Rude and disrespectful or Aspergers?

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I remarried 2 years ago. I have 2 older girls (21 and 23) and my husband has 2 boys (13 and 15). The 13 year old is the one I need help with. We started dating when he was in 3rd grade and I knew right away he was different. I asked my husband if he had been diagnosed with anything and he said they had never had him tested for anything. After watching and interacting with him for about a year I suspected Aspergers. Now that I have researched it, I totally think that is what it is. However, his mom, dad and grandparents say nothing is wrong with him. His mom even took him to a counselor and the counselor said he was just a shy kid. Here are things I notice:
- When someone asks him a question he gets a panic look on his face and looks at his dad (who then answers for him)
- He speaks very robotic (when he does speak - usually one or 2 words)
- He uses very large words when texting - not normal words that a 13 year old would use. (when his texts are more than one word) (example: "I will inquire about that when I get to my mother's residence)
- Refuses to say yes ma'am or no ma'am
- When his dad or grandmother text him, they might or might not get an answer. If they do, it is usually one word
- never looks at anyone
- usually sits in a corner when we are around people
- vacations seem painful - usually several days of blank staring
- would stay in his room all day if he did't have to eat
- doesn't seem interested in good hygiene (but that could be a boy thing)
- keeps his hands in sort of a claw-like grip
- he does not act out or reply inappropriately like I have read about. He doesn't reply at all usually.

So is his refusal to speak or interact socially just him being rude and disrespectful or do you think he has Aspergers?
And if you think Asperger, how do I deal with it and how do I get his father to get him some help? I raised my girls to help around the house and the older boy is very helpful and polite. It is very hard to sit back and watch the younger boy act this way and members of his family say "nothing is wrong with him". (and I'm not implying that having Aspergers means something is "wrong" with you. I just think he needs professional help.)

It sounds like this kid's family understand he is different and have adapted compassionately to include him despite his difficulties. I can 100% guarantee that his behavior is not designed to be rude and disrespectful--why would anybody have that goal, and make their own life so difficult? If you go treating him like that is the case, you will make an enemy out of him and possibly eventually both of his parents. Talk to your husband privately about your concerns, sure, but let him and the boy's mother take the lead in how to treat him and arrange for his care. Your job is to help provide a loving home for him, not judgment.

To me, it sounds like he is on the spectrum, but unless there is info you have not given it does not sound like he is unhappy. If the child is not unhappy and is has no issues in school, he is likely fine as he is, although if he has questions about why he is different he might benefit from a diagnosis just so he can understand himself better.

Social niceties often sound nonsensical to an autistic person, though some can be "trained" to use them when necessary, but it does not come naturally because it is like content with no meaning. Some very rule-minded autistic people may learn it and be very rigid about them once learned, but that is obviously not your situation. If this is your main issue, I would completely let this go, as far as home usage goes, as it really is small potatoes.

As far as chores and that sort of thing goes--different parents have different ideas about how much/if any is required. I don't know if this is a parenting difference issue and/or if the child has executive functioning issue with doing these tasks.

I would lean towards teaching him skills for eventual independence vs. "helping out at home" but that's me. Your kids are grown so you don't even have to worry about him being a "bad influence" on your own children, which is often an issue for blended families. So again, I don't really see this as a hill to die on.

OP, the title of this thread you have chosen makes me wonder what your ideas about AS are and where you got them from. It implies that you may believe that rudeness is a hallmark characteristic of all AS people. If you have been misled into believing that myth, please accept my assurance that it is an ignorant and false assumption which you can safely abandon as of now.

Based in particular, on where the OP is posting from (The American South) and references to "Yes, Ma'am and "No Ma'am" I am guessing it is a cultural issue where a lot of social issues common to aspies would be interpreted by many there to be rude and disrespectful.

So while the title is grossly inappropriate, I disregarded that (and probably should not have) because I do believe that a lot of aspie behavior that would pass elsewhere as just being introverted (like giving concise answers or not being verbally responsive) would be interpreted by many in the US South as rudeness. I think that is the perspective the OP is coming from.

(Conclusion is based on knowing people who grew up in that region and having dealt with their perceptions of my autistic son)

A lot of boy sound robotic because they have a limited vocal range.



Refusing to say "yes ma'am" and "no ma'am" is not uncommon where I am, as saying such things is not part of the culture. I understand it's common to say such things in the south, though it's becoming less common.



This is typical of most people.



He could be shy or uninterested.



Typically of a teenager.



Extremely typical of a teenager.



Teenaged thing. Males in particular tend to get very oily skin and hair during puberty, and their scent begins to change, increasing their need to shower more, however their mind set takes a while to catch up with this.



Is this a habit or involuntary?



It could be a number of things really. Shyness, indifference, rudeness, apathy, depression, hearing problems, some deep psychological issue. Why don't you have your husband ask him?



Is he meeting important life milestones? Are his grades ok? Does he have friends he sees regularly? If the answer to these is no, you might formulate this to your husband in the form of concerns.

I'm a little concerned you have a depressed kiddo on your hands. Even though a lot of that is typical of teens, it's not normal. It's a sign of distress. Somehow we've decided as a society that it's just OK that a good bulk of our teen-ages are miserable. I'm not OK with that. It could be a really exciting time of life.

Assuming that you care about him as a son, I think it might be good to follow up on your feeling that something is up with him. I don't know that it's aspergers. Can't diagnose that online anyways. But it's hard being the youngest kid in a blended family. And 13 years just sucks as a whole, in my experience. Its just so hard.

PS - I'm from the north. Saying "yes, maam and no maam" just freaks me out a little. Those are not the social standards I was raised with and it would be awkward if I had taken that up in middle school. I wonder if the social standards among middle schoolers even in the south dictate that doing so is "not cool." But I do have aspergers, so there we are.