Managing Anxiety About Seeming Weird

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I feel anxious about seeming weird to people and I'm trying to figure out how to stop worrying about it.

I'm reading some self-help books and they aren't very helpful so far. The authors talk about anxiety as if it's caused by unrealistic fears, but my fear is realistic.

According to one book, I should change the way I think about the situation, but how else can I think about it? It's a fact that people will think someone weird if she hardly ever talks, has trouble listening, doesn't look people in the eye, talks to herself, and has a facial expression that looks angry or depressed.

I can't completely stop caring what other people think because I have to interact with them to get what I want. So what to do?

Tough question. I find that my worries on that front rarely reflect the actual situation, based on my record of accurately gauging people's responses. So, in part, I just assume that I'm exaggerating their displeasure. That doesn't always stop my worried thoughts, but it does give me a conceptual way out.

I seem to need a lot of reassurance to believe that I really fit in. That can appear needy, though, if I ask directly for it, so I try to remain aware of any reassuring signals. I find it too easy to focus only on negatives if I don't make an effort to see positives.

Managing anxiety is something organic and self-help books often overlook that. I feel more anxious when I'm alone in a public place. That's because people often judge people who are alone. Especially when they see you alone often. Simply walking around with someone else reduces my anxiety significantly.

The nourishing comfort of a warm bowl of homemade food helps. Food is fuel and the better quality it is, the more smoothly our mind runs. I've found a back massage does wonders for anxiety. The cost of it though means I may never have another. I wonder why people don't give one another back massages just to help each other out. The lack of money is the root of so many problems in our society. Can't we think of a way of outsmarting that issue? United we stand, divided we fall.

Talking to people reduces anxiety too. However it has to be with the right people. That's why friendship or romantic relationships are so important to people. Some people are lucky to be able to get them more easily than others. I asked people on here if anyone wanted to Skype with me (where you do a free phonecall over the internet and interface using voice and/or webcam) but no one wanted to. I'm still open to offers.

Some anxiety is necessary to survive. It exists sometimes as a means to avoid danger. Freud wrote about something called the superego which is the part in our brains that judges ourselves according to what our parents and teachers taught us. A lot of anxiety comes from there too. We hold deeply seated prejudices within ourselves that were taught to us that we consciously don't even believe in. It's hard to overcome them. That's why change takes time and why older generations of people have different values to younger. People carry with them a lot of baggage. At least understanding that can make it easier to overcome it.

I think this has to do with Theory of mind. I found that in my teens and 20s I had gained enough awareness of others to start being worried about what they thought of me. Prior to that time I feel like I lacked awareness and was just sort of blissfully uninhibited. Once you know that you're missing something, it's hard to relax.

Some people seem to just not care, but that has never been me. What I can say is helpful is finding a person whom you can talk to about this, someone who will explain things and put social exchanges into context for you. My therapist does a lot of this for me and also my husband. It's not a task everyone can tolerate (many people seem to think you should just get it or not worry so much.) but if you find people who do this for you then hang on to them. I don't know if you could ask for this from to people who are in your life. I'm pretty direct about my insecurities. I'll just tell my husband, "I feel stupid and ugly. Can you make me feel better."

Also, if I feel my ASD traits are obvious to someone then I'll just go ahead and self disclose. I'll be like, "I'm on the autistic spectrum, so my brain just does this sometimes."

Sorry. I also wanted to ad that I have found prescription medications to be hugely helpful for letting go of anxiety and for not dwelling.

I get very anxious about it. Not only anxious, but unsettled and miserable about it. I worry about how I look in public as well as with people at work and my NT friends and my partner's family (not so much my family, my non-NT friends or my partner). I have ADHD as well as ASD, so I can come across as a bit childlike (like when I am easily amused by things like bright colours). I worry about what younger people at work think of me more than older people.

But my social anxiety is more severe in public settings, especially when I'm on my own. I feel like I am constantly being observed, judged, mocked, all the time, by females of any age (not so much the elderly). If I see (from my periphery vision) someone turn their head towards me as they pass me, I think that they are looking at me critically. Or if I hear people laughing, I think that they're laughing at me.

But I think all this has been triggered by past experiences. When I was a teenager I DID look awkward and I acted sometimes a bit embarrassing. So obviously it attracted negative attention from other teenagers (usually whom I didn't know). It still carried on right up until I was about 20. By then I started working on my posture and fashion sense and behaviour, which has got a lot better. But I still can't help worrying if I look weird.

I've just noticed that your profile says you live in England. I was wondering if you've ever looked into therapy? I think, for your anxiety doing some cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) could be extremely effective.

I've actually done this for a very similar issue. The focus of my CBT was trying to reduce the anxiety that comes from the uncertainty of what people thought of me as a mother, when my children are being "odd" in the grocery store or at school. I hate feeling stared at and that was a huge thing for me.

There was a worksheet I would fill out every time I experienced my trigger situation. I'll put the link below. https://psychologytools.com/cross-sectional-formulation.html Over time the anxiety did start to get better. I became more aware of the cycle that my feelings had on my thoughts and then on my behaviour, and after a while they didn't build as much.

Another exercise was to use the STOPP technique https://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/stopp.htm Have a look if you're interested. I found it very useful.

CBT isn't like talk therapy, which I referred to in my last post. A talk therapist might be someone who could help contextualize social exchanges. CBT therapy is much less personalized, and not always what someone needs, but it is helpful for reducing the impact of anxiety.

I can relate to what you're saying. I have ADHD too, and I know I'm more impetuous than my same age peers. In my 20s I was a little embarrassed to be immature and off in La La Land, but I really feel like as I get older I'm happy to have my youthful outlook and enjoyment of life.

I'm not autistic, so presumably I don't have poor ToM.

I have a therapist and yesterday I asked her how I could stop feeling anxious about people misreading my facial expression (thinking I'm angry or sad when I'm not). She basically said that I did look worse than I felt and suggested that I think about happy situations so that I look happier in public.

I'm not sure about following that suggestion. I resent having to play mind games with myself just because complete strangers misread my face.

You seem weird - call it unique. The world would be really boring place if everyone was the same. Your existence is bringing a new perspective to people you met. It's a new experience for them. And people live for collecting experiences. Good ones and bad ones.
You hardly ever talk - call yourself a silent person. It can be a good thing. Not everyone likes people who talk all the time or just can't stay in silence.
You have trouble listening - so you are a perfect listening material for people who just want someone to talk to. Just learn how to nod every now and then and you can get lost in your own thoughts - they won't even realize but will be happy you "gave them your ears".
You don't look people in the eye - it isn't that hard when you realize eye contact isn't some kind of magical connection but a simple gesture, very similar to pointing a finger. By looking at someone face near the eyes you tell them "I'm talking to you/I'm listening to you/Paying attention to you/I realize you are there". That's all there is to it. And you don't even have to do it all the time, just at the start of talk and every a few minutes so they don't think you are ignoring them.
You talk to yourself - everyone does. It's good to talk with someone on exactly the same level. Besides - it increases focus. I seen a lot of normal people talking to themselves. Just don't overdo it and you will be fine.
You look angry or depressed - it can be fixed with practice. Watch some TV series you like, choose an character you like and look at their facial expression when they smile. Then try to mimic it every chance you get. It doesn't have to look exactly the same expression (you won't get it identical anyway) - the most important thing is to make your face used to smiling. Soon you will be doing it all the time unless you are really tired/sad/focused. And if someone mentions your face expression then: just tell them - "I am just tired/sad/focusing".

Nodding, looking people in the eye and smiling can be learned and once learned they easily become habits because they tend to make most of social situations easier and give you benefits for nothing.
For example I got a higher grade at the end of year from a subject I didn't pay much attention to... for my smile. Teacher himself told me that. "I will give you an A because you are always smiling".

I am aware I am weird and my facial expressions aren't natural. There is a lot of situations where my facial expression doesn't fit what I am saying or my mood but I don't make a big deal when someone points it out or gets confused. Most of the time a smile (combined with saying what is on my mind even if it is something bad) fixes everything. It's a game. You smile, people smile back(they do 90% of time) and everyone forgets the weird thing you just did or said or just has no motivation to point it out anymore because you played the smileball with them and increased their mood (smile is contagious and smiling has positive effect on the mood https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cu ... your-smile - make sure to remember it).

Your fear is realistic because you have no methods to deal with the reasons. You are thinking there is no hope and people will hate you or make fun of you - it doesn't have to be the case.