Does this sound like aspergers?

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I'm wondering if my ex partner (female) has aspergers? She literally cannot see how and why things upset me. Examples include being half hour late for a dinner date for my birthday, thinking I over reacted. Asking what time my train was in as she was in town, then raced me home as opposed to collecting me from the station she passed and I walked from.

She says inappropriate things and without understanding why they were upsetting. When friends suggested she might pick me up from airport she said she wouldn't. When I asked why she said because I never asked! Tells me she is going to bed but spends hours online and on Twitter what seems liking flirting with another girl yet doesn't recognise same girl if we pass on the street.

She takes on extra work by choice and I have to leave straight away with no notice. Is taken advantage of by boss in that she can't say no to extra hours. Drinks extremely heavily on own at night, drives only hours later and doesn't seem to realise implications or dangers. Is very childlike in ways and interests, innocent and kind hearted. So her behaviours don't really match up.

She is rigid in diet in terms of food types and regularly only eats 3 food products. She doesn't buy any of her own clothes, her mother does that. For a long time she couldn't look at me when out for dinner, not just a lack of eye contact but very noticeably looking all around the room or away from me. She is obsessed with films and facts about those in them far beyond a normal level of interest.

She can't answer any questions as to why she may have done something upsetting, just sees it as an attack. I'm heartbroken by certain behaviours (& our breakup which I called for) and a huge part of me wants to believe maybe they were beyond her control or perception.

She has apologised for stuff but I can tell it's only because I asked for apologies and not because she genuinely feels she has done anything wrong or has anything to be sorry for. The only logical conclusion I can draw is maybe her brain is wired slightly differently. Could this be the case? Maybe I would have been more understanding or forgiving if this was the case.

IMHO, I would give her a highly likely regarding being an aspie.
She may have other issues as well.
It doesn't really change your situation considerably as she doesn't seem to be making an effort to figure out why/how she is perceiving things differently than you.
I'm impressed you figured this out though, do you know other aspies?

Thanks Beady, I would know some children but not many adults. Or if I do know it's not in a close enough capacity that it would be immediately noticeable. I don't think my exes friends for example would notice anything much. Yes it doesn't change the situation but I do feel guilty for berating or constantly looking for answers from someone that can genuinely not give them. She is just such a good and kind person that I racked my brain as to how she could be saying and doing such hurtful things repeatedly. I thought maybe it was the alcohol problem but I think that's an attempted coping mechanism perhaps.

Caveat: I do not know you or her or what your relationship was or is. That said, "Aspies" often like to compartmentalize I find it hard to understand why you would be spending time wondering about an ex's neurology.

There are some Aspergers traits you described that could also be traits of other conditions as Autism and other conditions share many other traits.

Last edited by ASPartOfMe on 12 Jun 2017, 1:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Hi, thank you for your response. I suppose the reason I am wondering is because I believe her to be a good and kind person but certain behaviours she has shown were neither and apologies have been insincere. I know it is pointless after a break up but I am wondering are there reasons why her behaviour was off (that may make no sense to anyone to be fair, aspie or not, but I'd rather work out if things were perhaps misunderstandings than intentional hurt and therefore easier to forgive. I would also imagine I owe apologies if that were the case).

If she is on the Autism spectrum her apologies might have been sincere but delivered in a way suggestive of insincerity. We often express non verbal language differently that is often interpreted as rude. She might not understand or only partially what she did "wrong" but be truly sorry that she did something "wrong".

Thank you, that makes sense. Is it rude/wrong to ask someone if they might have aspergers?

IMHO a diagnosis of any kind should be a private matter. Disclosure should be left to the person who received the diagnosis.

With Aspergers and the autism spectrum in general, it gets more complicated. Autism in adult females is believed to be not diagnosed or diagnosed with something else in fairly large numbers because the original diagnostic criteria for autism was for how it presents in young boys and for only the most severe cases. So you have Autistic people not knowing they are autistic. I did not know until I was age 55. If you tell a number of people that you think they have a condition they are going to react in widely varying ways based on their personality. From what I have read here it is no different with Autism. What people often do if they believe a person has an issue they do not know about is leave subtle hints. This is less likely to work with Autistic people because we often miss the subtlety (We tend to speak in the same direct way coming off as rude). If you just go out and say it and they are not ready they might resist the idea and thus their realization will be delayed.

Autism is a complicated business and often a minefield. Step into it if you must with caution, caring and plenty of knowledge.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write that response. Yes, I would imagine disclosure to be a very personal thing. I suppose it may be harder for females also if they are adept at masking their differences and put so much energy into doing so then disclosures ruins those efforts. She may have a diagnosis or she may be oblivious. If she knew and disclosed I think I would have reacted differently in many situations and causes less heartache for us both. Lesson learned to never assume anyone can see things through someone else's eyes.

Good lesson.