Aspie friend withdrawal

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I am a neurotypical woman. I was in a professional relationship with an Aspie male, and we started to become friends. Before becoming closer as friends, he was always kind to me, even though perhaps not so much to others. I saw it in his interactions with others, and I recognized it as "Aspie moments". As we became closer, he started being cold for what seemed like no reason, making me feel like he was cutting off communication with me each time. This always followed some act of closeness, even if just a close talk. We've never been physical. Each time obviously means we would talk again, after a period of withdrawal. We talked at length a couple of times, and I expressed how I felt about him, truthfully. The problem is that I care about him so deeply, I love him. I guess my mistake was being fully open about all this emotion, including both my deep feelings for him and the amount of hurt I felt as a result of the things he would say to me. Basically he ran the other way. I think this overwhelmed him. The thing is, I am pretty darn certain that I mean something to him. I understand that expressing emotion is hard for someone with Asperger's. But in this case, I don't know if he realizes what I mean to him, or on the other hand maybe he is afraid of how much I mean to him. Or maybe he's afraid of how much he means to me, now that he knows that.

I feel so strongly for him that I am willing to work through things with him, to be there for him when he wants me to be, to try to understand him, to see the world through his eyes. I care so much, yet I think knowledge of this freaked him out. He is absolutely brilliant but emotionally under-developed as of yet. I knew of his Asperger's even under our professional relationship, however, since our interaction was within the confines of his area of expertise and therefore comfort, I truly never saw the Asperger's come through, until the friendship started and I saw for the first time the emotional struggles.

What's hard for me is that I desire to be that person, whatever he wants me to be for him, in any capacity--close friend, girlfriend, whatever. But he seems to not want anything to do with that. You can't be "that person" to someone who doesn't want "that person" I guess.

What's going on? Did it mean anything at all that he never said mean things to me before the friendship, in other words, could that mean I did matter to him? What might he be experiencing that he is not able or willing to express? Is it possible to reach through to him?

Last edited by imhere on 20 Jun 2017, 9:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Doesn't really sound like a friendship if since you've gotten to know each other better he says mean things and acts cold.

I wrote this about my friendship with an Aspie man . . .. . It may help?
So I guess I am NT . .. I am over emotional , very caring, very aware of others feelings and emotions to the point of it becoming overwhelming at times. I guess I am popular and have many friends. . .a lot of them have been friends for 20 plus years (male and female) I do however enjoy my own company much of the time, and am considered by others to be a strong woman willing to face troubles and adventures head on. I laugh a lot and like to use humour to cover some of my own emotions. My friends consider me somewhat a loner, they often fight hard to get me to join social events and parties.

Why am I telling you this? Because we then move onto my close friendship with an Aspie man I met about 18 months ago. After the initial stage of our friendship when he was constantly texting and messaging me, chatting all day every day often late into the night things began to change. I realise now that he is Aspie ( i didn't at the time) I used to be offended by some of his apparently abrupt answers. I used to read purely direct answers without emotions as meaning he didn't want to do something or didn't care. I would often make statements such as "if you aren't v bothered let's call an end to this" it felt as if I was always the one making arrangements. .. .. etc etc all the usual things that an NT with limited understanding of the effects of AS complain about. However I never gave up, I did begin to understand more, I read and read and read and cared enough to take a step back and not let my emotions run away with me.

Speaking on behalf of my Aspie friend. He met someone that he found fun, humorous and interesting . .. .then suddenly she started to act in a way that seemed to be constantly tripping him up. Always wanting to talk about emotions and how does he feel. He would take time out then come back and try and sort it out, then it would soon start all over again. I can tell he found it exhausting. He chose not to answer what he considered to be no win situations. Often feeling that whatever he said would be the wrong thing, and finding it easier just to ignore. . . . .however he also never gave up. He never walked away and was always ready to answer within 5 minutes when I had calmed down and text him a simple "hi"

My point for all this ramble is that the dynamics of an AS /NT friendship are harder than normal friendships. I found that I became all the things that AS folk complain about. I was needy, irrational , over emotional and demanding. This is not whom I am normally in my friendships. It is a reaction, I believe, to not understanding the cues and responses because they don't follow the normal social pattern of friendship. I would state how much I enjoyed his company, how much he made me laugh and smile. In response I would simply get a text stating "thank you" now I would smile and be happy with that but initially I would think "well he doesn't appreciate me, where is the reciprocation of things he enjoys about me" etc etc. Then I would begin digging for compliments, and my Aspie friend would run and hide until I shut up!

So I think we bring out the extremes in our personality types and that can make the clashes big . . .. . We have far less now. I do still remind him sometimes that even though what he has said is rational and in the context of the words used perfectly true The problem is I am never going to be able to stop adding emotional weighting to some statements.
In the same way I accept that he will never feel comfortable discussing emotions. Instead would like me to accept that the fact that he is still around as enough sign that he doesn't hate me!!

I wrote this as I see many posts complaining about NTs needy irrational behaviour and thought it would help to explain that this is often a response to not understanding a situation that doesn't follow our normal social rules. Also I thought it may help some of the NTs in relationships with an Aspie to understand the journey I have been on, and to see the difficulties from my friends point of view also

Anngables, thanks. That helps a little. It doesn't help me to not hurt. I feel like I am experiencing perhaps the same panic and fear over his absence and my worry that I'll never get to care about him again as he is experiencing for the exact inverse--worrying what to do with all this caring crap from me. I don't know.

I'm totally lost. I don't know if I should continue to contact him to show support and to let him know that I'm still here for him, even though he appears to be ignoring me (he starts a new job soon that he was stressed out about, don't know if I should wish him luck) , OR if I should back completely off and let him come to me if he needs me, but from what I can understand it is unlikely an Aspie would do that even if they want that contact (is that common?). I fear that if I don't make that occasional contact that he'll be gone forever. But if I do make that contact and it is unwanted right now, that it will push him further away. I don't know how to balance smothering with his demonstrated tendency to not want to be the first to make contact after one of these distancing episodes.

Yep I completely "get" that. I don't actually know what the right answer is . . .. . . I have learnt to just let my friend be . . . . . Sometimes it feels like we have no friendship at all and yet when he turns his attention to me it feels like he is my very best friend. It just a very different way of being . . . I am learning to just get on with my life and not be upset that he no longer seems interested in knowing what I am doing much of the time . . .. . . I enjoy our time when we spend time together. Bottom line is I still would rather he is in my life than not . . . .. however I do sometimes think the risk is this friendship will just stutter to an end, . . . .. and that would be no ones "fault" just I think a symptom of how difficult it is to merge our needs from said friendship.

My perspective is that your friend struggles with your talk of emotions . . . He doesn't know what you want from him and may be needing a lot more time to process how he feels after your time together. If you push him during that "processing" time he may react to you coldly . . .. try not talking emotions instead discuss things you did that you enjoyed, or around one of his interests. If he has special interests that you would like to know more about, ask him questions, show an interest. He will feel comfortable in these interactions (I believe) and most aspies enjoy sharing their knowledge and are happy to help others to understand.

My friend loved sharing his knowledge of geology. We went on long walks, and I gained a real love of it also. I find it very inspirational being with someone who is so genuinely passionate about a subject. In return he planned the walks around things I had mentioned I wanted to know more about or had enjoyed. He gave me presents of rocks and minerals that I found "pretty" . . . . . .does any of this help?

There is no easy answer to the question does he care for you . . . I think just time .. . Not pushing him and enjoying activities then later down the line you can ask him. My aspies answer always is "I'm here aren't I"

I'm kind of on the other side of this so let's all just stop freaking out. I just asked her to get back in touch if she's free before her next off day because I have too much work on my plate as well & that's where last weekend went. My work among electronics makes me way too nervous about texting or social media; it all just feels like screaming in a library. I'm not entirely myself at a touchscreen so I'm just digitally a quiet type which helps me remember what I'm wanting to say.

We *aspies* just have such an alien means of articulating the same feelings ergo it's important to remember we're adherent to the same facts of life as anyone. We're the same people we aready were. I can't speak for others but when I feel something unconditionally it encompasses my conscious mind & I reciprocate rather than get sidetracked explaing myself.

Thanks cberg . . .can I ask how do you reciprocate?

cberg, I'm curious how you would feel or how you would process the unleashing of emotion from someone else like that on your end. Is it scary? A turn off? Something you just don't know how to respond to leading to a possible shutdown? Would you want to know how the other person feels definitively or would you rather them not say anything at all about emotions like this?

I was going to ask the same thing!

I'm honestly not exatly sure but IMO confusing is the opposite of scary.

I should be more reciprocal.
Hugs, free tech support, cooking & weird jokes but mostly hugs.

srry for the typos, I'm on my phone

Last edited by cberg on 20 Jun 2017, 8:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I know the feelings I shared made him uncomfortable, he was at least open about that. I just can't tell if it was uncomfortable because he didn't know how to process it or if it was uncomfortable because he does not feel the same or if it was uncomfortable because he does not understand how he feels. From what I have observed with him it can be any of these. Now he's withdrawn so I don't know how to understand him better on this.

From your viewpoint I'd imagine it being difficult in the moment to realize none of those possibilities interfere with anything mutual. For aspies it's normally about anxiety over our own bizarre social graces.

OP's question is tough but it's more more about Alexithymia than even miscommunication if I understand correctly.

I think everyone just has their own means & pace of conveying emotion. I'm kind of watching a metaphorocal timelapse through a desk fan.

It might be that he is overwhelmed and fears rejection even if you've put your cards on the table so he's pretending he doesn't feel anything in case his feelings aren't reciprocated. A bit how like a teenager will be mean to someone they fancy because they don't want to give the game away.

If he tells you how he feels, he could "lose" you. If he doesn't, there's always the idea he could be with you some day.

Add to that, relationships can be scary. He might not want to disappoint you. Again as a friend he has little chance of doing that as "you're friends, it don't matter!", as a partner he has every chance of doing that.

This is how I used to interpret the world when I was a good 10 years younger and when there were women who did want to get closer to me and I felt the same way. I hope this helps.

I guess the only advice I can give, as unfair as it may sound to you, is to just outright say you like him and whenever he'd liked to talk about it you can do so somewhere private. I'd also say this in discretion also. If he's anywhere near as shielded as I was, people knowing someone likes him or he likes someone would be enough to overwhelm him because of the sort of fuss it attracts. People telling me a women likes me now still messes with my head because I then have to deal with a situation I never previously had to deal with before, like there's an expectation to force something rather than allow it to happen naturally.

These responses are all very insightful. Also, I will mention that I am a bit older than him, plus I'm divorced whilst he's had only limited relationship experience. Based on the above posts, could he possibly be feeling anxiety about measuring up? It pains me to think he might think that, if he does, because he is amazing to me and I adore him. But if that might be the case, or even if it is a combination of what TheSpectrum and cberg said above, then what can I do to help him cope? What can I do to make him feel at ease? Or is there nothing I can do, and he has to work through this on his own? I hope the latter is not the case. I can be patient and understanding. Though difficult, that is so much easier than being left in the dark alone.