My son, inappropriate touch

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I could really use some advice. My son has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and Non Verbal Learning Disability. When he was sixteen he came upstairs from his basement bedroom to get a drink late at night. My two step daughters were sleeping on the two couches in the living room, wearing shorts and t-shirts. My son "poked" their legs. After this he started coming upstairs late a night and if the girls were sleeping on the couches he touched their legs. Eventually one of the girls, who had awoken to find him poking her legs, told her mother (my partner). My partner reacted very strongly to this knowledge, packed up her girls and left. The police and child protective services became involved as well as psychiatrists. My boy spent two weeks on a mental patient ward being assessed. My partner felt that her girls had been molested. 3 months later my partner and her girls moved back into my home and measures were taken to insure that my son could not come upstairs after a certain time at night. A year nad a half later my partner and her girls were no closer to being able to forgive my son who never attempted to repeat that behavior. He did not understand the social implications of touching a girl's leg while she was sleeping. Once he understood how this had made them feel and how it had hurt them he was very, very ashamed to the point of becoming suicidal. Everyone tried to explain to my partner that my son intended no harm and did not, at that time, have a complete understanding of the meaning of his behavior. It did no good. The tension in the home was heavy and even when my son came upstairs during the day he was treated like a monster. At the end of February of this year, my partner and her girls moved out again.

My questions:

Has anyone else ever gone through something like this with a son similarly diagnosed?

If so how were you able to help the "victim(s)" put what happened into perspective and reach a point where they were able to forgive and move on?

My partner is talking about going to family counselling with the goal being to re-join our family again. The girls have had a very exagerated view of what happened for so long that I'm not sure any amount of counselling could now help them accept coming back here. I'm afraid of them coming back and ending up going through this all over again. Any advice on how to explain to the girls that while what my son did was wrong and inappropriate, he did not understand the full impact of his behavior would be much appreciated.

Thanks, Leah

it doesn't seem like they want to understand it. if they did, it would be solved long ago. you would really like to live with people who treat your son like a monster? apparently i judge them without really knowing them, but they don't seem like good people to me.

Last edited by tomamil on 28 May 2007, 3:13 am, edited 1 time in total.

The police? Psychiatrists? Child protection? Family therapy?

Didn't anyone think to just tell him not to do it?

they apparently did it worse than it was. maybe they wanted to feel important. maybe they wanted to cover their own issues. and maybe they just didn't like their mother forcing them to live there, so they used it to get out of the house back to their previous lives. the question is not, how to explain it to them, so they understand; the question is, why did they go so far, what was their real intention?

This is REALLY traumatic for the girls. I totally understand their reaction. They WERE molested and there is no point denying that. Getting this behind them is not an easy process. It'd do you good to read some child sexual abuse literature to understand how deep this kind of trauma goes and what the recovery options are. It doesn't matter what the intent was, this is not a logical process. The girls need counseling and the boy needs a good sex ed course. Family counseling is a great idea, but make sure to find a good therapist, there are a lot of incompetents out there who have no skills to help you or can even make matters worse. But a good therapist will help a lot.

I'm European and this far it would never go here, I think. Maybe here people tend to be more down to earth in such matters. And poking or touching a leg of sleeping girls as an automatic "have to do thing" is not rape or a real sexual assault. Though it's wrong to do so afcourse.
As long as the people around these girls don't overreact so agressively, but take care of them in an understanding calm way, they will not become traumatized. Instead talking about it, involving the victims and the one who did it, will reach somewhere. No familytherapist needed. Just sound minds and staying understanding to eachother. That's at least my point of view.

I'm a mother too, and I do understand that mother of the girls in a way that you want to protect your girls whatsoever. But try to stay realistic and know what effect your overreaction can have on both the victims and the one who apperantly didn't see what he was doing wrong.

I am willing to bet that the OP is from America and in America the following issues incite large amounts of press and strong reactions:

1.God
2. Sex
3. Drugs

Everything else is tolerated to an extent: corporate corruption, poor healthcare even violence as evdient by the cotinueing BS war and bullying.

This thread also highlights the narrow mindedness, ignorance, and lack of compassion going in America today. The police, CPS, and psychiattrists did NOT have to be involved. This could have been discussed openly without all the drama. Gotta love America!!

Last edited by jman on 28 May 2007, 7:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

I fully agree with most of the posters here. This was a total over-reaction to an innocent act. The girls only feel "molested" because of their mother's irrational reaction.

You are far better off without her. If you ask me, you have to decide whether your son or a highly unstable and intolerant woman is more important to you.

I would choose the former.

I have experienced similar situations from all three perspectives on multiple occasions, recipient and mother of both an abused and accused child.
I strongly feel that it is the reaction of the adults surrounding the situation that determine how "serious" it is perceived and the effect it has on the children. If living together is causing continued trauma to either your son or these girls because of the mothers attitude then it is not healthy for anyone.
Be certain that there is no risk of further inappropriate behaviour by your son but then support him in having a normal life and not being further stigmatised which could interfere with that.

I'm sorry they left but I'm also really glad for your son, must have been hell if they were treating him that way, living in your (his!) house.

Another vote for "good riddance". This is probably not the reaction you are seeking. Your son should be more important than a potential mate. She tried to get rid of your son, plain and simple. That is not loving, caring or even intelligent. She would destroy a child for what? vengeance, perceived insult, to blame someone for her daughters' discomfort?
She didn't think that she could ask for the whole story?

Sadly, while my son is only 7, I warn him about this kind of trouble. I tell him that other people will call the cops if he steps over the line of "acceptable behavior".

none of my kids have ever been accused, but 2 of them have been molested to varying degrees. .......... the real issue at hand should be getting help for your son and the girls. if your partner wants so desperately to re-join the family, then she needs to get her girls to counseling. you both need to realize that a healthy family reunion under one roof may never happen.
as a child, i was molested by my grandfather. i would never in a million years want to be under the same roof as him....the degree of molestation that occured, and how it was internalized is really the interpretation of the victim.~ what i mean by that is that no matter how mundane or small the molestation appears to you, it may appear much more grandiose & traumatizing to the victim (s). this doesn't mean that the victim should be blowing the incident out of proportion, but realistically speaking~ you weren't the victim. how do you know how the victim(s) felt ?

people with aspergers have sensuray needs they like to touch people or objects i went on a course we covered things like that a lot of asperger adults have been arrested becouse thay have touched someone they dont know the police should be better trained on people with a s d so they dont get treated like a criminal for a inocent mistake