I wish I was as sure of my parenting as my son is of himself

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Bit of a ramble ahead - I have just joined this site: I wish I was as sure of my choices as a (neurotypical) parent as my lovely 5 year old ASD son is of himself. So many people telling me what's right and wrong with him, what needs to be 'worked on', and my anxious, self sometimes agree and sometimes my gut tells me otherwise, although I often doubt my 'gut'. I want my son to be happy, and to learn. He's confident and sure of himself. Stims constantly (literally flaps his hands every waking second unless he's in the car) but he's chatty and bright and funny. The stimming has only started to be an issue in my mind since the kindy teachers keep harping on about it and admittedly since I've noticed that it's started to affect his already problematic attention and focus. Do I just need to take a chill pill and let him stim all the time? He likes to stim and pace when he's not occupied (doesn't really occupy himself). Etc etc etc!

Teachers (and pain in the neck relatives) tend to be the ones most annoyed with the stimming. Your son needs to stim. Stimming is used for regulation. Sometimes it is calming and sometimes it is the opposite and they use it subconsciously to stay alert.

A school environment tends to bring out the stims because there are a lot of periods of boredom and overstimulating stimuli--noise, harsh lights etc.

Personally, I would make sure his teachers know that, and you can also add that if they have an occupational therapist on district staff, perhaps that would help figure out when and why he gets especially stimmy and they can provide workarounds to help--like headphones and the like.

The other thing I would like to add, is that as long as his stims are harmless, I would be especially careful because often times if well-intentioned (or not so well-intentioned people) people try to take stims away, kids often develop replacement stims that are not as harmless. It is never a good idea, IMO, to attempt to extinguish a stim unless the child willingly prefers the replacement and obviously that it is not more harmful than the one you are attempting to replace.

Don't try to take away the stims!! I can't stress that enough. I'm NT and mom to two ASD soon to be six year olds. Stims are necessary for their socio-emotional regulation, and I also believe in my heart of hearts, their cognitive development.

One of my boys was a spinner. He spun everything that could be spun, many of which surprised me by their spin-ability lol! He has since moved on to other stims, but the spinning was the one that gave us challenges because he would do it non-stop, which meant that he wouldn't be doing anything else with his hands, like learning how to write, draw etc. His focus was also so extreme that he wouldn't seem to be paying attention to the world around him (although that proved to be false, he actually heard everything!).

What we focused on was extending the time between his stims. We never used stimming as a reward, but we did use an activity chart where spinning was heavily present amongst other activities, I,e, 5 min ABCs, 5 min spinning. It wasn't exactly like that as I can't remember the time allocation, but it was similar. And we also had free time in there where he could choose his activity. If it was spinning, that was fine. Slowly, his spinning became more functional, and then it started to diminish. It was replaced by others - watching water go down the drain, popping suds, tracing circles with his fingers, I can't even remember all of them. There was a definite circle theme, though, which the mathematician in me enjoyed.

Now, he stims consistently throughout the day, but most folks can't tell that that's what he's doing. We didn't try to get him to do less noticeable stims, he just gravitated towards them as his interest level in other things increased. So he'll read a book to me, but his finger will trace all of the circular objects in the illustrations. Or he'll use the bathroom and stay to watch the water go down the toilet. That kind of thing. Small, very consistent stims.

If the hand flapping never goes away, I wouldn't worry. I'd just pay attention to making sure that he's getting to some other things in between. And you might be surprised that as he gets older, the flapping might be replaced with another stim that gives him his "fix", but still allows him to pursue his other interests at the same time.

Remember that raising a child involves some triage. If your priorities are for him to stay happy and learn, then the stims stay. As he matures and develops other self-calming mechanisms, you might be able to triage into teaching him time and place for the stims so that he adapts better socially. If the stims become a huge issue for bullying, you might move up the process. I think with 5 year olds you should be able to get the message to other kids that everyone is different, and the stims are just your son's way of coping with his day. 5 year olds are only as focused on individual differences as we allow them to be, so if you can get the teachers on board with letting it go for now, I would. As others have noted, stims are an ESSENTIAL process for ASD individuals.

You can apply the triage process to all the "advice" you get. Stay tuned into your son so you know what he needs to be focused on most, and then help him do just that. Other skills and concerns can wait.

Some of the advice I was given early on that I found most helpful:

- Pay attention to your child. If you are well tuned in, he will (in his own way) tell you what he needs.
- Remember that just because your child is drawn to something, does not mean it is good for him or that he can handle it. My son was a sensory seeker, but as much as it lit him up in the short term, he always overloaded in the long term.
- Read, read, read and read some more.

Ultimately, no one knows your child as well as you do, so trusting your gut will be very important. Just be careful to sort out your wants, needs and priorities from his.

Good luck.

Thank you everyone, it's been really helpful hearing your thoughts. Nice to get a different, more accepting perspective.

Let the stims stay! Unless they are getting in the way of something your son wants. If it's getting in the way, help him figure out another way to fullfill those needs.

One thing I'll add to help you understand the autistic mind. A lot of us appear to be more capable and confident than we feel. Adults will think we are so wonderful because we talk like little adults when we are young. As they get older, therapists might be impressed with our "maturity." But it's not really true. I mean, yes, there are great gifts there. But the confidence is a NT misinterpretation of autistic behavior. Our tendency to rely on more scripted language means that we often sound confident when we aren't. So, as a parent, it's your job to learn his own language. Come to understand what's going on with him emotionally without listening only to the way he's verbally expressing himself. For example, he may stim more if he's feeling a strong emotion. But he might not be able to say that he's excited or scared.

Over time, it's great for us to learn how to express things verbally instead of just saying what we know we are expected to say in a given situation. But I'm 42 and I'm still working on that one. Your 5 year old is going to need some patience in this area.

I guess what I really mean to say is that one should pay attention to what the stimming may mean. Is it happy stimming? Nervous stimming? Overtired stimming? It can be a communication if you pay close attention.

Thanks somanyspoons - I do try and assess why he's stimming at a particular time (and why he does other behaviors like randomly throwing things or kicking at the dog when three seconds before he seemed content). There's different reasons, but he's a bit of a puzzle to me sometimes. I feel like I'm fairly in tune with him but there are always those little mysteries.