I'm writing an article, please answer these questions!

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Hello there my fellow Aspergians,
I am being given a chance to possibly write a freelance article for VICE on the topic of dating on the spectrum, and I need your help! I have here a list of interview questions, and I'm looking for a few Aspies to answer all of them, (don't worry, your name and identifying information won't be used in the article,) with preference towards those with some dating experience, especially those of you on the site who are married or in long-term relationships. Please note that unless you expressly say otherwise, that by responding to this you are giving permission to be directly quoted in the article, and also that I may comment or private message you with follow-up questions, or to ask you to elaborate or lengthen your answers. I also retain the right to edit the wording and spelling of your answers if needed to make them more interesting and engaging, (but not to change the meaning of anything you say of course.) All that technical pseudo-legal mumbo jumbo out of the way, here are the questions in no particular order:


How have you met most of your past partners?
How old were you when you started dating? How consistently have you been in a relationship over the course of your life?
Are you married? Do you think you will be?
Have most of your partners known about your ASD? If so, when do you tell them?
What’s the worst reaction you’ve gotten to telling a partner you’re on the spectrum? The best?
What’s the hardest thing about dating?
How do you know somebody’s “the one” for you?
What do you think is the best thing about dating an Aspie? The worst?
Have you dated other Aspies or Neurotypicals primarily? If both, which have you had better experiences with? Why?
What are some things that you and past partners have had disagreements over that were related to your ASD?
If you could tell your current or next partner anything about your diagnosis, what would it be?
How have you handled sex and physical intimacy in your relationships?
Is there anything else you’d like to say?

How have you met most of your past partners?
The pub..

How old were you when you started dating?
17.

How consistently have you been in a relationship over the course of your life?
I haven't. The longest was a year.

Are you married? Do you think you will be?
No, probably not.

Have most of your partners known about your ASD? If so, when do you tell them?
No but that was because I was undiagnosed for most of my life.

What’s the worst reaction you’ve gotten to telling a partner you’re on the spectrum? The best?
No bad reaction!

What’s the hardest thing about dating?
Everything

How do you know somebody’s “the one” for you?
Your senses are heightened for that person in positive ways. Chemistry and all that jazz.

What do you think is the best thing about dating an Aspie? The worst?
The best and worst thing? They're Aspies.

Have you dated other Aspies or Neurotypicals primarily? If both, which have you had better experiences with? Why?
Both, and I prefer NT's. In spite of all said here, their capacity for empathy ties in very well with capacity for love, and that has the potential to rub off on you!

What are some things that you and past partners have had disagreements over that were related to your ASD?
When dating another Aspie, it was dating/social etiquette e.g. giving me space, or them space.

If you could tell your current or next partner anything about your diagnosis, what would it be?
Nope, you gotta complete the Sudoku by yourself. No cheating!

How have you handled sex and physical intimacy in your relationships?
I'm Asexual so you might want to wait for a better survey sample. It's not that I haven't had sex or been intimate, it's just that beyond curiosity I've done it begrudgingly out of "social expectation" and "duty" so my answers are more than likely to be biased and negative.

Is there anything else you’d like to say?
I've seen a lot of VICE articles on Facebook. Try to write your own thing, and not bend too much to what they want you to write.

What is "aspie" in this context? If you are writing an article, you need to be a lot more specific than asking "aspies" what they think. Aspies can be everything from professionally diagnosed with ASD to self-identification or suspicion. If you only want answers from people that are diagnosed with ASD, say so. If you want people on the broader autism phenotype, ask people about their AQ score or their Aspie Quiz judgment.

That being said, I'll answer as undiagnosed but on the broader autism phenotype:

"How have you met most of your past partners?"

School, dances and outdoors.

"How old were you when you started dating? How consistently have you been in a relationship over the course of your life?"

I never dated, but I had my first crush including mutual game playing when I was 14.

"Are you married? Do you think you will be?"

Yes, since 25 years.

"Have most of your partners known about your ASD? If so, when do you tell them?"

I'd never tell them if I were diagnosed

"What’s the worst reaction you’ve gotten to telling a partner you’re on the spectrum? The best?"

NA

"What’s the hardest thing about dating?"

It's something that NTs do and that aspies should refuse to participate in.

"How do you know somebody’s “the one” for you?"

If I have a crush and then get a spiritual connection with a girl, then I know it is very special.

"What do you think is the best thing about dating an Aspie? The worst?"

Compatibility. You don't need to fake a lot of things and you can be yourself.

"Have you dated other Aspies or Neurotypicals primarily? If both, which have you had better experiences with? Why?"

I don't think I ever was interested in an NT.

"What are some things that you and past partners have had disagreements over that were related to your ASD?"

NA

"If you could tell your current or next partner anything about your diagnosis, what would it be?"

I never would. Not their business.

"How have you handled sex and physical intimacy in your relationships?"

I'm asexual. I dislike typical intimacy but enjoy hugs.

How have you met most of your past partners?
Online

How old were you when you started dating?
I'm not sure how to answer. I had a date at 19, but it was an isolated event. I started "looking" at 21, and found a partner at 22.

How consistently have you been in a relationship over the course of your life?
I wasn't in a relationship until 22, but I have been since. I'm 27 now.

Are you married? Do you think you will be?
No. Not unless laws change in my country.

Have most of your partners known about your ASD? If so, when do you tell them?
I'm very open. So much so that my ex never got explicitly told and somehow didn't know for 5 months.

What’s the worst reaction you’ve gotten to telling a partner you’re on the spectrum? The best?
It didn't happen when he found out *that* I was on the spectrum, but when my ex found out what my limitations were, he was pretty mean. The best would be "that's not gonna scare me off"

What’s the hardest thing about dating?
Trusting someone not to hurt me. Risking getting mocked everytime someone finds out how little adult independence I have. (No job, driver's license, own place)

How do you know somebody’s “the one” for you?
I don't think it's possible to ever know for sure.

What do you think is the best thing about dating an Aspie? The worst? Not sure what your asking. You mean *a* person dating *an* Aspie, in general? Or what it's like dating an Aspie *as* an Aspie?

Have you dated other Aspies or Neurotypicals primarily? If both, which have you had better experiences with? Why?
I think most would be considered at least Neurodiverse, but not necessarily Autistic. I am dating an Aspie, but I couldn't tell if it's any better.

What are some things that you and past partners have had disagreements over that were related to your ASD?
The aforementioned ex basically accused me of being a sheltered wuss once he found out all the things I can't do, or do safely. He also gave me the classic "but I knew someone with Asperger's, and they could..." Another partner forgets that I need more time to process when I'm upset and I often get talked over during an arguement. He also (and I know how ironic this is) is very pedantic about my word choice, and gets hung up on a word that isn't the best fit for what I'm trying to say. Honestly, I'm starting to wonder if he's doing it to be manipulatative...

If you could tell your current or next partner anything about your diagnosis, what would it be?
That I hate the negatives as much as you do/will, but I'm doing the best I can.

How have you handled sex and physical intimacy in your relationships?
With communication and compromise.

Is there anything else you’d like to say?
I'd like to note that I practice polyamoury, and the relationships I mentioned overlapped.

Hi guys! OP here, thank you so much for all of the responses so far! Just wanted to let you know that I'm still taking interviews, and to make a couple of clarifications about the article. First of all, please try to remember that VICE is written primarily for an NT audience, and this article is being written with the goal of educating NT's on us Aspies, so please try to keep that in mind with your answers. Pretend you're answering all of these questions when asked by your new partner who is NT and wants to understand you better, and answer them in that light. Also, please feel free to go into more detail. I'll be contacting the people who have already responded with follow-up questions, but these questions are meant to encourage discussions and anecdotes, so please feel free to make some of them a bit more in depth. Finally, in response to one of your questions, I do prefer people diagnosed with ASD or Asperger's Syndrome, however, I am open to including one self-diagnosed individual in the interest of showing the diversity and scope of the Aspie experience provided that the person has good reason to believe that they're on the Spectrum, like being told by a physician or teacher, or taking a fairly reliable online test as the poster who brought that up mentioned, rather than just a vague suspicion, (not to diss on people who have only a suspicion, I just think this article may not be the right place for those sorts of people, as it might make things a bit confusing for readers.) Anyway, thanks again, and please keep the responses coming in!

How have you met most of your past partners?
honestly, being a tutor. A few brief work hook ups and once through tinder, but it became platonic.

How old were you when you started dating? How consistently have you been in a relationship over the course of your life?
17 at first attempt, failure. first success (though unintentional) 26, I was tutoring by then.
Not often. a rarity actually.
Are you married? Do you think you will be?
No, Not that i can see. I wouldn't mind, but I don't see it happening...

Have most of your partners known about your ASD? If so, when do you tell them?
No one on first meeting or 'date' though at least with the girls I tutor, it does come up when I explain learning styles, but they seldom are judgemental (note these are usually foreigners from Asia, and they know me by now so this information does not effect their view of me very much, or they think I am kidding)

What’s the worst reaction you’ve gotten to telling a partner you’re on the spectrum? The best?
Honestly, i have yet to get a positive or negative reaction, they just find it interesting, again these are not westerners I have 'dated'

What’s the hardest thing about dating?
The formality and the metric your behavior needs to be weighed upon. calling it something other than a date does help take the edge off though

How do you know somebody’s “the one” for you?
No bloody clue. I hope its some one who is as smart as you, but another direction, or something... don't know....

What do you think is the best thing about dating an Aspie? The worst?
Not enough info to answer this...

Have you dated other Aspies or Neurotypicals primarily? If both, which have you had better experiences with? Why?
Not enough experience to answer this.

What are some things that you and past partners have had disagreements over that were related to your ASD?
Not enough experience to answer this.

If you could tell your current or next partner anything about your diagnosis, what would it be?
Not enough experience to answer this.

How have you handled sex and physical intimacy in your relationships?
Been kind of scared of the whole thing to be honest, but that is also alot of negative re-enforcement I recieved from my mother and sister at an early age.

Is there anything else you’d like to say?
Nah, sorry if I am not the best representative sample.

Hey guys, looks like I need a couple more interviewees after all! Specifically looking for people that are under the age of 30, and who haven't been married. I'm especially looking for participants who are asexual, primarily use online dating to meet people, people who are currently not dating at all, either because they tried and didn't have any luck, or by choice, (but not because of a current relationship.) Please comment or pm if you are interested. Please keep in mind, that due to a request from my editor, all of the remaining interviews will be conducted by phone, so please only respond if you are comfortable with giving me your phone number and arranging a time to speak sometime this week. Don't worry, you will still be completely anonymous.

Sorry, I forgot you contacted me in private.
I chose to decline answering any further questions because as far as I was concerned I shared everything I was willing to share already to the general public in here, and Vice would be reaching a larger audience. Anyone with enough time on their hands could eventually find their way here.

I hope you get the information you seek for your article.

How have you met most of your past partners?
Most i have met online or trough friends, although i am just starting to date someone i met at an event designed to do so
How old were you when you started dating? How consistently have you been in a relationship over the course of your life?
Actively dating? i was 30, but i had my first partner at 27 (i wasn't actively looking back then, yet)
Are you married? Do you think you will be?
I am not, and i can do without personally, i do not see the added value of an official marriage.
Have most of your partners known about your ASD? If so, when do you tell them?
They did, i will tell them when i feel relaxed enough to let my guard drop. If i slip up before that, or if the relationship starts getting intimate, i will tell them at least the relevant symptoms, and dropping the bomb is the easiest way to do so.
What’s the worst reaction you’ve gotten to telling a partner you’re on the spectrum? The best?
One person decided they did not want to continue knowing this, because they didn't want to deal with the associated issues, but most have been understanding and willing to work around it.
What’s the hardest thing about dating?
Knowing when someone is interested, and signalling my own interest back at them.
How do you know somebody’s “the one” for you?
No idea really, but i don't even think a real "the one" exists. I like to think i will just feel it when i meet her, but this hasn't happened yet
What do you think is the best thing about dating an Aspie? The worst?
The best would be that we understand each others' issues and difficulties, but the fact that neither of us will have standard 'neurotypical' skills will be an issue.
Have you dated other Aspies or Neurotypicals primarily? If both, which have you had better experiences with? Why?
I have mainly dated Neurotypicals, but i did date one other aspie, shortly. (well, to my knowledge, the one i know is the only one that disclosed, but i didn't see any symptoms either). i preferred the NTs, as they helped me navigate the strange world of dating.
What are some things that you and past partners have had disagreements over that were related to your ASD?
Until now, i have run into the communication issues associated with ASD, not not being able to communicate what we really want and mean (this goes both ways too, honesty requires me to say)
If you could tell your current or next partner anything about your diagnosis, what would it be?
Not sure, that depends on what they already know. I usually give them a full Q&A after i disclose, so they generally know all they want.
How have you handled sex and physical intimacy in your relationships?
Luckily, when feel emotionally safe with a person, my touch issues flip around from almost painful into greatly enjoyable. I do give hints and a set of "instructions" for if (well, when), i do get in a sensory overload.
So far, everyone that didn't recoil from the initial disclosure was easily willing to put up with that, unless it would happen too often. Luckily, it wasn't needed yet.
Is there anything else you’d like to say?
I wish that the 'dating dance' would get different priorities. My biggest peeve is that most advice articles place an enormous emphasis on eye-contact and small unexpected touches, which are the two things most likely to push me away personally; there should be caveats mentioned.

How have you met most of your past partners? Prior to leaving school, at school. After school mainly online either through games or websites.

How old were you when you started dating? How consistently have you been in a relationship over the course of your life? 9, was with him for 7 years before my parents moved me half way across the country. Then I seem to bounce quickly between relationships as I hate being alone. My current partner 4/5 months but my one before that 4 years until he decided to cheat on me.

Are you married? Do you think you will be? No, but I'd like to think one day I'll get a fairytale wedding, but that seems unlikely.

Have most of your partners known about your ASD? If so, when do you tell them? I didn't get diagonised until 24, so no, but I generally do tell people (mainly everyone) about being on the spectrum.

What’s the worst reaction you’ve gotten to telling a partner you’re on the spectrum? The best? None, as they've all been understanding. My current partner is also on the spectrum so it was probably the best as I didn't need to describe quirks, although we have different ones.

What’s the hardest thing about dating? When people don't do things I want or in the way I want them done. If I made plans and they get sick I have a complete meltdown over it as the plan is now broken and I then play out endless scenarios to fix it. Similar with doing things the way I want. For example if I gave instructions in a list, but not in order I'd expect the other person to logically work out what was the most important and sort that out. Also I like to rush things, so this time I'm taking things slow is frustrating me as he whines about things and if he'd just speed things up then he wouldn't have to worry about them.


How do you know somebody’s “the one” for you? I'll tell you, when I find the one

What do you think is the best thing about dating an Aspie? The worst? Routines and special interests. Although its great we have routines, sometimes I'd like to break them and do things spontaniously which drives my partner bonkers and he moans a lot about it, but its also good as you know what your doing. Again special interests are good as they can amuse themselves with theirs and I'll do mine, but I also have a kid, most of the time he's pretty good, but my daughter had a ballet performance and the rugby was on so she took second place although she adores him.

Have you dated other Aspies or Neurotypicals primarily? If both, which have you had better experiences with? Why? Both. It depends. I had a NT try and kill me, so that went well.... but my next was an aspie and he was cheating on me left, right and centre as I'm a nice person. Of course I've had good experiances with both also, so I think its more down to the person rather than the NT/apsie thing.

What are some things that you and past partners have had disagreements over that were related to your ASD? Probably the amount of attention I need. I'm pretty full on and need constant updates and reminding that my partner likes me. I don't mind if he doesn't declare it over social media, but I do more or less need daily reminding.

If you could tell your current or next partner anything about your diagnosis, what would it be? I play a hell of a lot of video games and if I'm engrossed in one and ignoring you, probably leave me alone, but I will get back to you.

How have you handled sex and physical intimacy in your relationships? I love both, so very easily. Although my ex had a higher sex drive and ended up raping me multitude of times due to it. So as long as both consent its fine.

Is there anything else you’d like to say? I wish I would hurry up and find Mr right. The whole dating game is exhausting.