never trying THAT again...

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alright... a week ago i was invited out to a concert (which i never been to one before). a friend of mine bought a extra ticket and wanted me to go. to anyone with autism you KNOW that concerts and sensory sensitivities don't mix, but i thought to myself "well if i can handle a shopping mall maybe a concert wont be so bad" and my friend assured me that it was just a small band in a bar, so not a full blown concert. i figured worse scenario i would just shut down and not be able to speak for the night. so i agreed to go. part of me actually convinced myself i am NOT autistic and i would do fine.

so i went and it was in a very very dim basement and there were all these wall lights everywhere, it was so weird because it was dark everywhere except for these stupid lights that were probably dim to anyone else but they were BLINDING to me, i tried to ignore it and kept my mouth shut but damn they were EVERYWHERE.

it was really hurting my eyes and i couldn't see anything, i started pressing on my eyes to alleviate the pain, my friends thought i was upset but i said " no, these lights are too bright.." and they said " no they aren't Emily, its pretty dark in here" and i said "no! i have sensory sensitivity." and immediately their attitude changed and they offered to step out to give my eyes a break but these stupid lights were outside too! i went back in.

tried to keep my mouth shut and we found the darkest corner in the basement. at this point i cant even open my eyes at all, one of my friends sat on the floor with me and held me while the other tried to look for sunglasses. i said to my friend "I'm gonna cry" and sure enough i broke down in tears in a mild meltdown. he tried to give me a deep pressure hug but it didn't (usually doesn't work with people, usually works with surfaces or dogs)

i trembled for a bit but luckily my friend walked me to a corner store and bought me sunglasses and we returned to the concert, i brought my own noise cancelling headphones and i was actually was able to stay in the concert while wearing the glasses and headphones (with only a few breaks).

Now this isn't new, i have ALWAYS had sensory sensitivity, school dances always ended in meltdowns, i used to scream at the sound of airplanes,the sound of cars would make me meltdown (and still do) but i don't know, this time felt so weird and so like "wow! i really am autistic" which is weird because ive been diagnosed for 6 years (diagnosed when i was 14)

It was a weird night because i was still able to enjoy myself and im EXTREMELY grateful for my friends being so caring and understanding and accepting, it has definitely made me see them in a different light. but yet.

Before that night i felt that i wasn't autistic anymore because everyone kept saying how good of progress I'm making and how good my social skills are getting. i was really hoping i could just be normal and non autistic, even though I KNOW that autism is life long, and i will ALWAYS be autistic, no matter how normal i look or how good i can hold a conversation or how long its been since my last meltdown its always gonna be there.

Sorry about my rambling, anyone relate?

6-7 years ago, yes I could've relate. Except no one understood that I have sensory sensitivity then. No one understood that I get overwhelmed, and get exhausted.

By then, all I could do is outright tell my mom that I won't be going out from the house. At all. Yes, my solution then was too extreme.

And, I had vow it will never happen again -- being overwhelmed and the exhaustion.. That doesn't mean I won't be going out ever. So I plan to overcome supposed temporary that caused trouble in the long run -- anxiety and depression. I figured triggers. I figured my sensitivity that made me turn to sensory overload. Until I no longer associate sensitivity with sensory overload.
Autism? That's permanent. But that doesn't mean being autistic means living in triggers and chaos and coping.



But alas, it happened again -- after more than 6 years, it happened. It was about 2 months ago.
Away from home, first time attending some seminar in a retreat that lasts more than a day. No sensory accommodations, no breaks -- with good company too. First time I had been in a PWD seminar. I did enjoyed it -- I socialized with two groups of strangers that day.
Took me more than half a day to start being overwhelmed, and worn down. Of course I tried ignoring it. Of course there were worried people, offering me to take a break -- I refused. I swam during a rain, and sat on the coldest table -- knowing that cold is my major sensory sensitivity. And had talked with my roommates even if I was sort of on a state of shutdown. I had broke down a bit the next day.
3 hours of sleep, I ended up going home sick. Took me a week to overcome the exhaustion and regain my defences back.

Then I realized my true limit -- it just happened that it'll took me more than things that happens day by day. I questioned then: am I satisfied with this amount of 'threshold and stamina' that it is enough for me not to be exhausted and overwhelmed for years? I haven't answered it myself. At least I know what to do next time.

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It's nice when you feel like you can trust and like people.

You (Zombie) would probably like a concert in a park where you can lie on a blanket, eat picnic food, and listen to nice, live music.

Yes, the physical sensitivities are a definite problem. I do recommend sunglasses for those with light sensitivities, noise canceling head phones for serious sound issues, and pick out your own clothes to buy to avoid skin issues from the clothes and foot gear.

I have a pair of glasses that darken when in bright light, but they don't really darken enough, so I also have clip on sunglasses. Really loud noises and certain types of noises bother me, but I am not as bad that way as many others on the spectrum, as I don't need to use noise canceling headphones. I do have to be careful about what clothes and foot gear I buy. Many shoes and sneakers have a rough area at the back of the shoe that will cut into my heel and make it bleed, even though it doesn't happen to other people. I also can't wear any types of sandal with a divider that goes between the big toe and the others, as that will also cut into me, and again, it doesn't seem to happen to other people. The tags at the back of the neck on tops bothers me, so I have to remove them. The seams on the toe area of socks chafes me, unless I turn the socks inside out, which I have been doing since I was a child, and I am in my late 50s now. If I get pet fur or my own molted hair inside my clothes it makes me itch terribly. Everytime I am stuck in the bathroom due to my IBS, I take my top off and look for any loose hair or fur stuck in it. I no longer have pets, but relatives do, and so I still sometimes get pet fur on me and my clothes.

What it comes down to, is if you have such sensitivities, you need to take measures, like sunglasses, noise canceling headphones, etc. to deal with these problems, so that you can interact a little easier with the NT world.