OMG I WAS JUST KIDDING! #AutismProblems

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So when I was a teenager I had this issue a lot. People would joke but the jokes would hurt my feelings but I got really good at letting it roll off of my shoulders and giving the benefit of the doubt. Because I ultimately believed I was the flawed one for getting upset at a "joke". Until one day. My sister started dating this huge as*hole. And well he was in charge of driving us to school. Long story. Please don't ask.

Anyways while I was in the car, he and my sister, would team up and make "jokes". And usually they were mean jokes. At first I went along with them and laughed them off. But a lot of the jokes pretty much summed up to them as describing me as stupid and unintelligent. I started trying to bring up that they hurt. And the response was always "Oh MY GOD. I WAS JUST KIDDING. I TOLD YOU THAT." I actually believed them and thought something was wrong with me for getting my feelings hurt so easily. I mean why don't I just grow a thicker skin right?

I don't think my sister ever really liked doing that but she was and still is very insecure and will always take the side of the person she is with. She believes she's undesirable.

Anyways one day I finally had enough and I started getting mad at them and then they finally just started ignoring me in the car. But it didn't stop there. I could often see them exchanging looks and body language that I felt had something to do with me and they were communicating their displeasure of me. And ever since I had not tolerated anyone joking about anything remotely negative. This has led to many folks calling me over sensitive and "uptight".

I don't know how to gauge when a joke is real or not. I know there are two types of people. People who say something is a joke so they can get away with saying what they want. And someone who is making a joke intending to make others laugh and feel happy. The problem is I don't know where it ends or begins.

Does anyone else have trouble with this? Does anyone have any advise?

I sadly don't have any advice for how to distinguish the two, but I have had similar problems in the past. For me it was with my sister's long-term boyfriend (now my brother-in-law) who would always make negative remarks about me and get upset when I got upset. A couple of years ago my sister explained to me that he was simply making jokes because he liked me (as a person not in a romantic way) and was couldn't understand why I always got upset. To me his "jokes" were not funny and were malicious and hurtful. It doesn't make sense for me to make jokes that hurt another person at all. I will occasionally make a negative "put-down" joke with someone that I know really well and like a lot, but I make 100% sure that they know I am joking (and they do the same back to me). Eventually my brother-in-law stopped making these kinds of jokes except for occasionally (I think my sister talked with him), and when he does I try to put on a filter and consciously tell myself he is joking, but it still doesn't feel like a joke at all.

It is good to know I'm not alone in this feeling. Your story sounds very similar to many experiences I've been dealing with. Thank you for sharing.

So you don't know sarcasm?

Sir, please MEMES.

Jokes are mainly about 3 kinds of truth dissonance, hyperbolic, associative (verbal or pictorial) and contradictive.

Being "autistic" and interpreting things literally it's just a cognitive bias, you're just unexperienced. Lol

It's more about how you prononce, and the autistic expressionless flat affect doesn't help

Sarcasm is my modus-operandi, I like word playing to the point I'm seen like the greatest as*hole in the room, because sometime my jokes have 3 level of interpretation, and people only scratch the 1st level, the literal one and don't get it .

In my teens and early twenties, I was often the butt of jokes by both bullies and by friends. I couldn't always tell the difference between the two. And I still think there wasn't a difference in many cases, as I had friends who sometimes found my strange obsessions and long monologues intolerable (that had been years before my diagnosis with Asperger's).

I have always done long monologues but I never thought of it as an aspie trait. That is an interesting observation. I wonder if I try to shorten my speeches I would be less bothersome?

I find it hard to tell when someone is joking and when they are serious. I had a brother-in-law who would make jokes about my sister, I thought he was just being funny(you know guys and their wife jokes.) I would go along with it. Turns out that was what he normally said about her, which then made me feel bad because I thought they were jokes!

And I find it annoying when people do the "I was joking(but in reality not joking!)" crap, it irritates me. My brother does it a lot and now it's very hard to tell when he is being serious and when he is joking.

If you wish. Or you can be who you are.

Being who you are is being honest about your likes and interests and dressing how one is comfortable and not copying people. However that doesn't mean not to acknowledge ones weaknesses and never work on self improvement. Working on self improvement sometimes means changing your actions so that you are more successful in different areas. I know that may seem fake to others but what's fake is doing something that isn't working over and over again and pretending like it's working when it's not.

Its part and parcel. Dr. Hans Asperger himself described his subject kids as "little professors".

That is all true.

I've had these kind of problems too and, to some extent, still do.

From my personal experience I'd say that those who really say things as jokes that aren't meant to hurt people will stop if you make it clear that you don't like it. If they say things like "Chill, it's just a joke" and continue telling the same type of jokes, especially if you've told them multiple times, then they are obviously being mean on purpose (or well, there's always a small chance that they are really incabable socially, but in most cases that's not the reason.) If it keeps going on you should think "Do I really need this person in my life?" and if the answer is no, cut the connections or keep contact as little as possible. I mean if it's your sister or her boyfrien completely cutting ties could be hard, but you could try to avoid talking to them.

However, I think it's worth pointing out that even if you tell someone that certain type of jokes are offensive to you and someone promises not to tell them again, they might still do it because they don't realize that in your mind some new joke falls under the same category despite not doing so in their minds. For example if someone jokes about you having a crush on some guy and you tell them it's offensive, they might stop but might not realize that you think making jokes about you having a crush on anyone is offensive to you.

Of course, this is just how I see things and might not be a fitting advice for everyone, but hopefully it helps.

I remember getting upset with other kids for doing things and I didn't understand what a joke was. I also remember kids chasing me on my bike and my mom would tell me they were just playing and they are doing it to other kids. Then I heard kids screaming on the other block and my mom said "see Beth, they are doing it to those kids too, they're just having fun" and six year old me still thought those boys were being mean and they are being mean to those kids too and scaring them. In 7th grade I would get upset with other kids putting their hands in front of my face and my mom said they were just trying to get me to notice them and they do it to each other. I have learned to just roll with it and to ignore these things and not get upset by it and rather it was done to be mean or not, it doesn't matter. That is what I was taught anyway, it doesn't matter. Don't worry about it.

I had no idea people would say they were just joking to get away with saying mean things or putting you down. I know in some cases, someone will make a joke and really are intending to be funny but the other person takes it the wrong way and the joker goes 'It was just a joke, jeez.' Then I bet the victim feels bad for even being a jerk about it so they go "sorry." Then both people are happy again. Or it goes the other way around, the offended doesn't go sorry and just thinks their friend was being an ass and bam they are both mad at each other and not speaking because the joker thinks their friend was an as*hole and didn't apologize for it. Or the joker can apologize themselves saying 'I wasn't trying to insult you, I was just trying to be funny' and they never do a joke ever again with their friend because they wouldn't know if they will take offense or not.

This, people use "being who you are" to be annoying and to be a jerk and to not get better. Then there are some who probably take it literal so they use it to justify to not get netter and to not make improvements. I remember when one of my ex's warned me he is who he is and he won't change for me or anyone and I thought he meant "I won't change my interests or my opinions to satisfy you or pretend to like things or pretend to have certain viewpoints and I won't change my clothing style and my taste in music and TV shows and movies I like." But instead it was "I am a lazy as*hole and I will not make any improvements to get better and I just want to sit on my ass all day and play computer games and not work and you have to take care of me and I will joke all I want and if it upsets you, too bad. get used to my humor." So now anyone who says they are who they are, I write them off. Then I have noticed online when people say they can;t be who they are, what they mean is they can't be an as*hole and an insensitive jerk. Amazing how people abuse this sentence and now I always assume the worst when anyone uses this line.

I had a hard time taking jokes, so when I'd get laughed at it would really hurt my feelings.

Now I just accept it. Because I'm a teacher, I have a giant target painted on my back. I'm well aware of what kids say, so now if they laugh at me--and kids can be downright CRUEL--I laugh right along with them. I embrace being the oddball, and because I no longer do the knee-jerk angry response, kids are more friendly to me. I enjoy beating them to the punch, too. I let new students in on my mannerisms that generate the most ridicule, which in turn disarms them. I know they still talk behind my back. But what they do outside the classroom doesn't concern me.

I got nothing when it comes to adults. It's just like it was when I was a kid. So I just chuckle a little and ignore it. If they find humor at my expense, fine. Shrugging it off, even if I don't get the humor, has helped me make friends where otherwise I'd only push people away.

My own humor, well, yes, I do have a sense of humor. I keep it to myself mostly. I've been told I'm so dry and deadpan, and not in a habit of joking that most people don't realize I'm joking. So what happens is if I tell the same joke someone else thought was hilarious, they're like "How can you even joke about that? You @$$#o|e!"

Pranks--holy CROW! I don't get pranked. And I used to work in an environment where something was wrong if you DIDN'T get pranked. I still work there, but all the young goofy people quit. But I could pull the same prank and get called into a meeting for going to far. So I do what I can to stay boring. It's just better that way. If I ever did get hit with something, all I can do is play it up and try to be entertaining.

Long post short, just remember this: if you ever are the object of a joke, shrug it off. April 1 is a nightmare. I know it's coming. I can smell the bs from a mile away. But I play along, fake surprise and embarrassment, and laugh with them. When you DON'T fall for it, or you punish people for just having fun, you come across as a poopyhead. Taking it in stride speaks volumes for your character and will draw people to you in a positive way.

Caveat: it's difficult sometimes to distinguish between innocent pranks and deliberate abuse. Occasionally I'm forced to call people out--not because I get offended easily, but because NOT busting heads means I'm complicit with immoral or unethical behavior. Learn when to let stuff go (most of the time) and when to say enough is enough.

I struggled with it a lot as a child. These days I use a filter of sorts. If I am with my friends, I assume they are joking the majority of the time. If I am at work, I assume there are no jokes the majority of the time. But the most important tool has been asking myself if I thought someone was intentionally being malicious.

If I think someone is not intentionally being malicious, or has no apparent reason to be malicious, I assume the joke was meant with good or playful intentions. Even if the content of the joke was hurtful. Because I know exactly what its like to say something that hurts the feelings of others without intending to.

If I think someone has a reason to be malicious, then I take the joke as an active attempt to hurt my feelings or pull one over on me via word games, and respond appropriately.

So basically, context is incredibly important for me.