Coworker driving me crazy

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Hi,

I made an account just to create this thread, because I have nobody to talk to about it so anyhow, just think of this as a venting thread. I've had this job for a little while now, which for me felt like a big milestone. I'm already sick of it, and really want to move to another state. Most of the interpersonal stress at my job comes from one person in the cubicle across from me. She's on my development team and I basically have to communicate with her on a near daily basis. I'd say that most of the time she is friendly or netural but sometimes she is just very unpleasant to be around. She can be moody, cliquish, and rather stuck up at times.

Today, I asked her, "can you do a code review" and her response was, "I am capable of doing a code review". And then utter silence. So I tried rephrasing it in other ways and she ignored me . I look over and she seems to be upset. I'm not a mind reader, but I think she would have been unpleasant even had I used the more grammattically correct word "would". So eventually she came over. Now, I think that a normal, emotionally healthy person would have just been unfazed by that. But someone like me, that ruins my whole day. I can't stop thinking about it. I even went to a yoga class after work, and was stewing about it the whole time.

I just wish that I could figure out how to not let something like this affect me. I tried to think of what I could have done differently, or what strategy I could adopt to handle this type of situation in the future, but I still feel like I can't come up with a better solution for dealing with it beyond ignoring it. She is seemingly well liked by everyone around her, and has been working there much longer then me. So I feel like all I can really do is just suck it up and count the days until the day when my skills are enough to swing an out of state job and get out of there.

Unfortunately I've had a harder and harder time coping. I've been trying to develop more "grit" but as a 37 year old man who has been single most of his life and lucked into an entry level developer job, I think maybe this is as good as it gets for me. Anyways, this is just a semi-pointless ramble. Anyone who had the patience to read it, thanks.

I'm going to echo Chronos' reply and add that she might just be having an 'off' day, maybe it doesn't have to do directly with you. Maybe she just doesn't know how to not vent whatever frustration she's feeling on easy targets (people who take it and don't complain).

I wouldn't beat myself up over it.

If I were you, next time she uses you as a punching bag I would try disarming her with "is everything alright?" Whatever her reply to that is, it will give you greater insight into her state of mind, and greater insight helps when it comes to knowing what to do next.

I think i have the same problem.

I have worked with a lady for 4 years, She is an emotional wreck (in my eyes). She started off as my supervisor, but with in the first 3 months her boss put me directory under him removing any power she had over me. My mother used to work in a different department and she sometimes come in to tell me stuff, anyway she had a disagreement in the way i did one of my project`s and she started shouting at me, but when i raised my voice to tell she to stop shouting she threw out this line "you do not talk to me the way you talk to your mother, i will not have this, you will not treat me like you treat her".

I was gobsmacked i never raise my voice to my mother.

We have talked to each other about 6 times this year, once she started the crocodile tears to another employee, because i was being sarcastic to her.

Well, I appreciate your responses. I thought about them and I've calmed down somewhat, but its still in my head. I've been thinking recently about tit for tat in game theory, and how it might apply to situations like this. I was curious about whether I could bring myself to emulate that sort of strategy with people; as previously I've been one to hold grudges, where once a person has crossed a line with me, I am done with them. But maybe that's not the healthiest or most realistic attitude to have. It's just that my emotions don't fall in line with what I would like to see happen and avoidance has been one of my main ways of coping with stressful situations.
BTW Dave, that lady sounds nutso.

[quote="Mantis"]Hi,

I made an account just to create this thread, because I have nobody to talk to about it so anyhow, just think of this as a venting thread. I've had this job for a little while now, which for me felt like a big milestone. I'm already sick of it, and really want to move to another state. Most of the interpersonal stress at my job comes from one person in the cubicle across from me. She's on my development team and I basically have to communicate with her on a near daily basis. I'd say that most of the time she is friendly or netural but sometimes she is just very unpleasant to be around. She can be moody, cliquish, and rather stuck up at times.

Today, I asked her, "can you do a code review" and her response was, "I am capable of doing a code review". And then utter silence. So I tried rephrasing it in other ways and she ignored me . I look over and she seems to be upset. I'm not a mind reader, but I think she would have been unpleasant even had I used the more grammattically correct word "would". So eventually she came over. Now, I think that a normal, emotionally healthy person would have just been unfazed by that. But someone like me, that ruins my whole day. I can't stop thinking about it. I even went to a yoga class after work, and was stewing about it the whole time.

I just wish that I could figure out how to not let something like this affect me. I tried to think of what I could have done differently, or what strategy I could adapt to handle this type of situation in the future, but I still feel like I can't come up with a better solution for dealing with it beyond ignoring it. She is seemingly well liked by everyone around her, and has been working there much longer than me. So I feel like all I can really do is just suck it up and count the days until the day when my skills are enough to swing an out of state job and get out of there.

Unfortunately, I've had a harder and harder time coping. I've been trying to develop more "grit" but as a 37-year-old man who has been single most of his life and lucked into an entry level developer job, I think maybe this is as good as it gets for me. Anyways, this is just a semi-pointless ramble. Anyone who had the patience to read it, thanks.[/q


Could you back up? Were you asking her if she knew how to code or were you asking her if she could help you code the data? In your case, it sounds like you were having a communication breakdown along with her personality bothering you. On the other hand, she sounds like someone who has a problem with getting offended easily due to a pride and arrogance problem. It's best to deal with her as little as possible and only talk to her about work-related topics but ignore her otherwise.

A few solutions:
1. If she is going to be ugly to you, know that it's okay to run off somewhere to cry for a while and maybe go find a space where no one will find you. I heard that scientists cry.
2. Do you have a mentor at work? (Not a job coach) someone who you can talk to about this sort of thing?

Code review is something we are all required to do before we check in a fix/change to the code base. We have to ask another developer to review it. There was no ambiguity about what I was asking her for, its a daily practice there. At the time she was the only developer on my team who was around since it was around lunchtime. I have decided to cut down more on my interactions with her and just not ask for code reviews from her at all. She never asks me for them. However, I can't 100% avoid talking to her. Sometimes, she's the person I have to talk to if I get handed a defect which touches on her part of the program we are developing, or sometimes I'll ask another member of the team about something and they'll direct me to talk to her.