Feel like I'm in a big rut, and don't know what to do
Hey guys,
This is going to be a long one, so please bear with me. Also, I wasn't sure whether to post this in the 'Social Skills and Making Friends' or 'LGBT Discussion', but thought this area suits my problems best. I've recently asked advice on here regarding dating a short while ago, and that'll come into the following story below. However, let me, if permitted, start of by saying I'm a 22-year-old guy with mild Asperger's. I don't need to say that routines feature MASSIVELY in my life. I live at home with my mum and younger sister, and work both as a composer of concert ("classical") music, and when, at periods, the money doesn't roll in with that, I work with my dad's business as a landscaper. I haven't had a friend since I was 12, and being not yet out of the closet as a gay man, never had a boyfriend/partner, either. I do the exact same things every day: eat the same breakfast at the same time each morning, then either go to work with my dad, or work from home on compositional duties. If not working in either field some days, I'll always be found at home reading a book. Come 6.30pm every day, I take a shower, and then proceed to make dinner (same food every night), and following that, I'll retreat to my room, and either watch a film, read some more, or play piano. Next day, the exact same thing. As stated, although embarrassing, I have no friends, and, other than going to work with my dad, only really leave the house if I need groceries, etc, and ask if I can join my mum in shopping. Other than that, I go nowhere. Honestly, I'm genuinely sick of this routine. I'm a 22-year-old man, and want things many take for granted: an actual social life, friends, and someone significant to share my life with. Recently, I decided to join various online dating sites, and after a few weeks of chatting with a guy, I managed (God knows how) to work up the courage to meet up. I did so in complete secret (my mum and sister were both at work). Since said guy lived pretty close to me, we decided to meet up in my town, in a local park. It wasn't a success, as the guy was a bit "off" (this is referring to my previous post mentioned at the start). However, I've recently started talking to a new guy who lives about an hour and a half drive away. We appear to get on good, and have a few things in common (he's a bit geeky, like me). After much online chatting, I suggested it may be nice to meet up. He agreed, and we're planning on meeting up in the city basically in-between us both (well, much closer to me, though). He said he'll book train tickets whenever is best. However, for me to get to the city we're planning to meet up in, I'd have to take a 15 minute train journey, or ask my mum or dad to drop me off. I know, however, that I can't do either of those things. I literally go nowhere on my own, so if I said to my mum I'm taking a train to [city], the surprise and concern on her face could win an Oscar. Also, actually getting on a train alone would make me incredibly nervous. I'm completely comfortable with my sexuality, but haven't managed to tell my family yet. They'd have no problem whatsoever, as they hold progressive views, and have gay and lesbian friends. I just feel 'uncomfortable' revealing it. I'm a closed book with my emotions anyway, and even get uncomfortable discussing things such as shaving my face. Another thing: I've worn the exact same pair of clothes every day since I was about 16 (cotton jumper, jogging pants, and trainers). I do, however, want to change my clothing to more formal attire if meeting this guy, as he's quite big on looking well-dressed. However, if I changed my appearance, my family would know I was 'up to something'. I feel like I've got just two choices: carry on with my incredibly frustrating lifestyle for God knows how long, or I could speak openly with my family about my sexuality, and say that I'm going on a 'date'. However, the latter option is painstakingly uncomfortable (and still would be awkward even if I was straight). I just don't at all know how to bring myself to talk openly. I really can't continue with my current situation, though. I'm well aware it's pathetic, and I'm absolutely ready to change it, but just don't know how. Some days I honestly feel like I'm in prison. Another thing I'm concerned about is if I did, miraculously, meet this guy, I CANNOT carry a conversation. The first guy I met with was on the autistic spectrum himself, so was just as edgy/nervous as me, and we talked mainly about family backgrounds. However, this guy who I really want to meet, despite being a little shy, is, as far as I know, a neurotypical, so I'm going to feel twice as awkward, as he's a 'regular guy', and pretty confident, traveling everywhere via trains to work each day. What (if the meet up takes place) should the conversation cover? Chatting online, we've mainly just talked random stuff, and the basic points of our interests, but nothing "deep". In person, though, what should I talk about? Family? Work? Aspirations? "Should we meet up again?" I genuinely do not know what to say. I'd be most grateful for any advice or suggestions from anybody. Thanks in advance for any help and for reading my 'essay'.
Owen.
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