Can People Tell Just By Looking at You?

Post Reply New Topic

I used to think I was able to pull off "normal but just a little shy" in most social situations, especially when meeting new people, but there have been at least two separate occasions in the past few months where I haven't said anything to the person about autism, but they somehow managed to figure it out just by my behaviour.

The most recent occurrence of this was last night when my sister and I went in to meet our new piano teacher for the first time. I was nervous and didn't say much, but I didn't think there was anything about me that screamed "This person has autism!" and I certainly didn't think that a random piano teacher who likely has no formal training in autism would be able to pick up on it. It was when we were leaving the store that my sister went back because she forgot her keys, and when we met back up at home, she said, "So he knows you're autistic." I asked her if she'd told him that (I was late getting there because I really really suck at directions, and she'd told him that) and she said she didn't, he just knew. She said, "I went back in for my keys and he said, 'So she's autistic,' I said, 'Yeah, how could you tell?' and he said, 'I knew from the second she walked in the door.'"

I find all this a little disconcerting, because it means my "normal person" mask is not as strong as I had thought, and it makes me a little uneasy to know that my invisible disability might not be so invisible after all. Can others look at you for a few seconds and pinpoint that there's something different about you? What do you do to pass for NT successfully?

Yes. I am lacking socially to an obvious degree.

I understand your desire of wanting to pass for nt, but how long can you keep that up & at what cost?

Better to strive for imperfect self-acceptance, I think.

Easier said than done.

First, I think most people don't know much about what high functioning autism/Asperger's even is, so although people probably think I'm strange and have funny quirks, I think that, even among people who know me relatively well, I think most don't know I'm on the spectrum.

As for noticing my quirks, I tend to think people can't tell just by looking at me, but it probably becomes obvious fairly quickly if they try to talk to me.

That said, people don't generally tell me if they know and I don't tend to ask, so I don't really know for sure...

Half a dozen people in my entire life guessed. All of these people knew at least a little about autism professionally and had known me for a minimum of three months...oh and one clinical psychologist at the last autism show in Manchester

A lot of classical musicians have 'autistic traits' since music is basically auditory math. That means he's probably been around a lot of people on the spectrum and so it's most likely easier for him to gauge than your average 'guy on the street'. I'm of the opinion high functioning adults shouldn't attempt to be an NT clone, rather adapt to fit into the group but accept that you'll always be seen as 'eccentric'. If you can't accept that you'll constantly be chasing a ghost that doesn't exist. Anyhow, good luck with the lessons.

Some people know about autism because they've spent a lot of time around someone who is diagnosed autistic. I'm sure a lot of them can pick up on some signs. There are some dead giveaways like a monotonous voice and a certain 'dark stare' that some autistics have, but lots of autistic people have no obvious tells.

Most people don't know much.

That's how I was found out I'm on the spectrum. Someone noticed that in some situations I reacted in a similar way to his autistic son and suggested the possibility to me.

No one's ever told me that I looked autistic. I have a very expressive face, no blank stares or lack of smiles from me. It's only my behavior that might tip someone off. Might.

No one has ever told me they thought I was Autistic (well, no "regular" person - my ADHD doctor did, and put me in, for the assessment)----but, then, I don't come into contact with anyone who would know that, unless they have personal experience with it (which, IMO, addresses the rest of your post----I'm thinking that man must have personal experience, with Autism).

In answer to your second question: Basically, I think I have been fairly successful, because I listen and respond to what someone else says----but, that has ALSO been something that has gotten me into trouble, because I, too often, I guess, take what someone says, at face-value. An example of when it went wrong, was when I took a class, and the instructor said "but we're not gonna do it, for you"----so, me being a person who likes rules, was glad that a rule was, IMO, spelled-out for us, so I did the assignment MYSELF; but, then, a couple of days later, another instructor DID it FOR us, and I 'bout blew a gasket (LOL), because, apparently, the rule CHANGED from "we're not gonna do it for you", to "we're gonna do it if you don't do it how we want it done"! !

An example of when I've been successful, has been when someone, who apparently needed to get something off their chest, was able to talk to someone who listened, and asked questions, and so-forth.

Now, that man in the OP only observed your mannerisms, and you hadn't said anything, and I don't know if I'd pass that "test" (and, quite frankly, don't really care [unless I was working for the person], because if they think I'm weird, maybe they'll leave me alone LOL)----but, again, I think it would take someone who knew about Autism, really well / had firsthand experience.

Yes I think most people don't know what ASD is anyway, though a few of them might have seen the media portrayals and try to use that as a (hopefully tentative) diagnostic tool. I don't suppose many people would want to study the subject in enough depth to bother making any serious attempt at identifying ASD in real people.

One supervisor at work was getting increasingly frustrated and puzzled at my behaviour, and then when I got diagnosed and told her, she said "that explains everything!" and suggested I was given specific tasks instead of messy open-ended responsibilities, so I figure she understood it.

A friend (probably) correctly identified a (probably) autistic mate of mine, who I think was very ASD, but when I said "I'm an Aspie too," she was surprised and said I hid it very well. She didn't see to treat me any differently, IMO she had her own head problems, but I liked her well enough and didn't particularly want her to change her attitudes.

My ex-wife who gave me a lot of trouble, was the first person to suspect I had ASD, but even after diagnosis she didn't seem to act any differently towards me.

My partner knew I had ASD before she knew me very well because I told her. She probably has it herself, and she has a daughter with severe ASD, and sees it in her father and her son too. I see it in her father, I've not seen her son very much so I've not noticed much there. She says she can see it in me too, and I believe her.

I don't recall any men that noticed my autism. Don't know what that means. Anyway, my experience is that most people don't describe me to my face, so I don't know what they might be thinking about what I might or might not have.

I probably do hide my ASD quite well, so it likely only shows up much to partners and others I work closely with. I try to copy the visible behavioural characteristics of people who seem likeable and sociable, though only when it doesn't fly in the face of my own values too much for my liking, and I try not to set myself up for a fall by using much of a social mask, because as time goes by they'd probably see through the mask, and I see social masks as rather dishonest anyway.

I think some people can tell or somehow spot I'm acting different. They might not necessarily see me as autistic but maybe just different then what goes for normal. Some people will comment on the things that strikes them as unusual, so I know it's visible somehow. Also some bad people will use my quirks against me. I may come of as naive and easy to fool and that has got me in trouble, often costing me lots of money

People instantly know there's something different about me but I don't think they can pinpoint it as autism. I think you'd have to really understand in depth what autism is to pick up on me having it since I could easily be mistaken for just being an awkward person.

I've only ever had one person identify my ASD and mention it to me and she was on the spectrum herself. I also suspect that a client of mine realizes that I have it as he has some fairly obvious ASD traits himself and has casually brought up the subject of Asperger's a few times. Most recently he mentioned it in regards to a special interest of mine that I brought up that he said sounded like something kids with Asperger's did. But otherwise I just don't think you'd recognize it in someone else if you didn't already have some experience with it.

That's why I try to stick to misfits. The normals are allright in their own way, but it's too easy for them to feel threatened by, or superior to, those who aren't quite like the crowd, and to use us as scapegoats or whatever, while misfits are more likely to be tolerant of other misfits, not necessarily of course, but at least they don't have a crowd of people just like them to compare me to, and they might well share my feeling of disappointment about normal people, and like me for it.

That's quite interesting, thanks for your input guys I know it's not healthy for me to be constantly trying to pretend I'm something I'm not, but I just get tired of people assuming I'm stupid and adopting the "little kid" tone of voice around me, or getting called weird or rude or standoffish behind my back. I just want to fit in and not be treated so differently. I'm still working on the self acceptance thing.

Yes. I don't talk or respond much to people, I don't use nonverbal communication and I stim a lot.

I'm not worried about anyone guessing I have HFA -- am more worried I'll accidentally offend them & then they'll decide to be my enemy without even telling me why. It happens frequently, so that is what I fear most. The fact I have HFA doesn't even register in my mind as anything important, because all it means to me is my mind works differently than the majority. This means when I say or do something I have different intentions than the majority would guess & their guess is wrong, which is why they get offended. I just don't understand why they wouldn't just ask me first, before jumping to negative conclusions.