Emotional control/conflict resolution - help

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Just this morning, I started crying and stimming uncontrollably, just from learning that my boyfriend thought he could leave the dog with me until next week, but he can't because I'm working in the weekend.
I was freaked out because I started thinking of how I can't both have the dog and go to work, that I can't go shopping when the dog is here and there's no food, and how I won't be able to go to the support group on tuesday, and the stuff my boss wants me to do, and that my boyfriend was annoyed that I was going to work, and even more annoyed that I started crying, and a bunch of other things that really hasn't got anything to do with the current situation.
My mind goes on a rampage and I make a huge deal out of something that could've been easily resolved if only I wasn't so scared of conflict.
It all bottoms in my inability to communicate properly with my boyfriend, and most of all the irrational fear to ask for a favor, or say no to one that's asked of me. Suddenly I have to please my boss, my coworker, my boyfriend and my dog all at the same time. Which is impossible, and I'm making it all worse by getting worked up like this.
I should've just said no to taking that extra shift, or asked the boyfriend if he could take the dog on saturday and sunday.

Similar situations occur about once a week, and I really need some help to deal with it.
Does anyone have any tips for me?
Are there any good strategies for controlling your emotions in stressful situations?
Or be less scared of conflict?
Any help at all is appreciated.

May I ask whose dog it actually is and who it usually lives with? You called it both "the dog" and "my dog". If it's a dog that you have joint responsibility for then obviously communication needs improving to make sure it's taken care of. If it's his dog and he just assumed that you would be a dog-sitter as though you have no life or right to make a decision to take an extra shift, or go anywhere, and he assumed that he could just dump on you then boy would I have some choice words for him.

I'm pretty much the same.

I'm not too worried about upsetting most people these days, but the thought of conflict with a person of personal importance drives me to intense panic.
So if I think my partner is angry or upset with me, I just meltdown. An instant panic attack with a huge hit of adrenaline. It's debilitating, I can barely speak and I feel sick.

Also, what's started happening lately, is if I have to say something to my boss, where I'm not sure how she'll take it, I start getting stuck in vicious thought loops, and I slowly drop into panic, stimming away like crazy and pacing around uncontrollably.

The only thing I find I can do is grounding myself, where I'll attempt to break myself out of it by trying to focus on something else that's around me, like sounds, or even running my hand over a nearby surface. Anything that you can focus on that's a physical stimulus. You know, a real physical thing, that'll pull me out of the imagined thoughts about what might happen.

Works most of the time.
There's probably loads of posts on here about grounding.

I find it very difficult to say no to people, I feel that I cannot do this without an excuse that the person will understand. This has meant that as I try to keep my life as simple as possible so that I can cope with things, other people see I don't have a full life and try to fill it, it's a vicious circle. I had to leave my last job over it. I am looking for a new job but I am also preparing fake things (yes really) to have in my life as valid excuses. I'm a writer and experience has shown me that people think that is something that should only be done when there is nothing else to do. I'm thinking of inventing an online caurse with assignments, as I can lie, but I need to prepare for it as it is not a comfortable thing for me to do.
I know it's dishonest but this is a very recurring problem for me. I know when I was a child my Mum did a how to say no caurse, that might be something to look into.

(emphasis in the quote is mine)
The OP is saying that they experience extreme panic about any potential conflict. They're not trying to solve the actual situation with the dog.

I think you missed the point of their post.

Well, the dog is his, but I've agreed to help him out with it. It's a very anxious dog, and she feels better when she's with me, so I'm quite happy to help out. It can be a big anxiety trigger when there's been miscommunication, like in this instance, but the boyfriend is trying to spare me from the responsibility as much as he can.
These kinds of problems occurred before the dog came into the picture too. But conflicts are more frequent now that she's here. It doesn't have so much to do with the actual dog, as it is my poor ability to deal with conflicts and misunderstandings.

Thank you! That is a really good tip. I have this little bag with glass marbles in it, that is really calming to fiddle with. Just gotta find a way to remember to use it when I need it.

I'm sorry that you're in the same situation. It's so frustrating to not be able to have a constructive dialogue on a problem, when panic is right around the corner.

I've been googling like crazy on this matter, and there's not many valuable tips to find (so I turned to WP). But I found one thing that might be useful. That is to remember that I really don't know how my partner thinks or feels. It's really obvious in most other situations, but I've noticed that I forget it when it really matters. I only have to suspect that he's a little annoyed, and hell breaks loose. Later, it might turn out that he wasn't annoyed at all, and I've once again made a big scene out of nothing.

It's just so hard to remember these things when you're already worked up.

I should really come up with some excuses to use as well. I too can only lie when I've really planned it through, and I feel bad about doing it.
In the case of getting out of having to say no for no apparent reason, I think its justified.
It's hard to explain that when I don't have anything planned it doesn't mean that I'm free to do something. The plan is to do nothing! Many people won't understand that, and might be offended that you choose to do nothing over their thing, no matter if it's something work-related or an invitation to a party or something. Seems like the most convenient solution for everyone is just telling a lie. Then no one gets hurt, and you get out of doing something you don't want to.

That's the crux of the problem. Where we have a hard time reading people and their emotions, we can easily get stuck thinking through a million different scenarios, and usually, I get stuck in a loop thinking about the worst case scenarios, which leads to panic.

It's harder when it's like, text messages or messenger or something, because I can't even see the person to at least have some chance of figuring out their reaction.

Oh yeah, I avoid text-conversations unless they're for very mundane things like "I'll be there at 3", "ok". I'm glad I've never been in a text-fight, as I probably wouldn't handle it very well.
I have considered letter-writing though. Not sending a letter in the mail, but just moving the conversation from verbal to written. It seems like a good way to get the things out that I want to say in a thought through way. And there's no risk of being interrupted before getting to the end of the sentence (as you might in a phone-text-conversation). I could probably explain myself better while being able to process at the same time, and my boyfriend wouldn't have the chance of getting upset with me before I reached the point - that happens a lot.
It's uncertain if I could get him on board on that idea though.


I have now put up a few notes in eye-level around the room , saying things like "think before you react", "don't assume", "one thing at a time"... I hope that they can help me remember these things when I need it. It's likely that I'll oversee them in the heat of the moment, but I won't know for sure until a situation like this occurs next time.
It looks like a crazy person's house now, but hey, what if I am? It's worth a try.

Anything to keep you grounded and stop your mind running away with itself is a good idea.

I'm with you on not remembering these things when in the midst of an episode though. I try to remember to ground myself, but often I can't think of anything other than panic.

Silly thing is, I can control anger really well, but emotional panic is something that still gets me.

Actually, I was a bit concerned that someone was being dumped on and suffering from needless conflict in a situation that was not their responsibility and that they should not have been placed in. I just wanted to clarify what the situation was. I was not about to give advice on how to cope with being dumped on indefinitely, should that have turned out to be the case. If I think someone is being wronged then I may well point it out regardless of what the original question was about. Do excuse me.

I am terrified of conflict too, and often worry people will be angry with me when in reality they have no real reason to be. It's hard, it can cause a lot of panic and emotional meltdown.

A therapist gave me one tip which has really helped. When I'm worried that someone is angry with me, I try reversing the situation. So I try to imagine - would I be angry with me if I was them? Say in your situation if you had a dog and you'd asked your boyfriend to look after it and he was finding it difficult because of work and stress etc - would you be angry? Usually if I flip the situation round it helps calm me down because the answer is often - of course not. Then I realise it would be an irrational reason for the other person to get angry. I think the initial panic will always be there, it's almost instinctive. I just have to find a logical way to talk myself through it. I also sometimes just have to ask the other person whether they're angry because it's better than panicking and obsessing over it.

^ I worry a lot that people might be angry with me, I'm going to try this. Thanks for suggestion.