Not Coping - ASD kids acting different in separated houses

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Help!
I am not coping!
I myself am Aspie, I have 2 kids (daughter, 8 and son, 6) who are ASD
They have been identified as such by a psych, but require formal assessment in order for us to get funding to get help for them (Occupational therapy for my son for sensory issues, he has sensory processing disorder as well) and psych and school help for my daughter.

Their Dad is refusing diagnosis (we live apart), he says they behave near on perfectly with him. Meltdowns are few and far between.
I know my son wets himself at his dads and hides it because he is scared he will be in huge trouble if his dad finds out.
They come home and they are both out of control, meltdowns etc.
They seem to be getting worse and worse, I'm not sure if it's just getting worse as a whole or if it's just the crazy busy time of year...
Either way I am not coping. My ex (their Dad) says whether or not they are ASD it's my relaxed parenting that is the issue... I don't get it at all.... amongst my family I am one of the strictest parents, my cousins and aunts are always commenting that I am good with boundaries and discipline (sometimes they even comment that I am too hard on them) etc
But because he is super strict (most recently he threw my son across the room for doing something wrong) and then they don't act out for him he thinks that it's not there
But then I get it two fold when they come home to me.

I am really struggling. Am I the problem?
Their behaviour is getting harder and harder to deal with, their meltdowns then trigger meltdowns in myself and it's a horrible cycle.

I truly don't know what to do anymore

I'm so, so sad reading this. Can you look into stopping his access if he is violent? Throwing your son across a room is totally unacceptable. Do you have family that can help you?

There is little I can think of to help... except for telling you that you are right, strict upbringing wouldn't do your children any good. And that throwing children across the room is abuse.
Is your psych in good contact with the children? Maybe they could be an ally in this conflict.

Sounds kinda like my family situation - my dad is also refusing my diagnosis and says it's all my mom fault for spoiling me. Although I believe that if anyone is at fault for how I grew up it is him - he was abusing me from a very young age so naturally my mentality is in pieces.

It would be best to you and your kids to stop seeing him. He is abusive so it shouldn't be difficult to restrict his rights.

As for why he refuses their diagnosis - don't you think he might be in the spectrum too, just undiagnosed? It seems to be the case for my dad - he definitely has traits and we are fundamentally very similar. I just I developed differently because I promised myself I will never be like him.

That could be the reason why he thinks the kids are normal - he sees his old self in them and admitting they are autistic would mean he himself is "ill" too. High functioning autistics, especially males can grow into abusive adults, if not guided properly during childhood - due to theory of mind issues and comorbid conditions developed during lifetime of being different.

Here's my guess at what's going on:

Dad refuses the diagnosis and refuses to admit there is an issue. In doing so, he is forcing your children to live in his NT world according to all the social norms that entails. Your kids probably have good NT world coping skills and figure out how to fit in at least during the time they are with him. Unfortunately for them, the stress of doing so builds up and has no release -- Dad would not tolerate it and the kids have learned to cope for the period of time they are with him. If the kids lived full time with Dad, my guess is after some weeks they would start suffering from major, uncontrollable meltdowns -- much worse than you see now.

Once they are back with you, they feel comfortable but there is incredible amount of stress built up in them. Their poor behavior is likely their way of getting rid of that high level of stress.

Some ASD kids see the same with school. They are forced to live in that full NT world for several hours a day. Many do it well and are seen as good students by teachers. Once they are at home and out of the NT world, the de-stressing/coping mechanisms kick in. Some kids just go to their rooms and play video games all evening by themselves or whatever other way they can find to relax. The next day it just starts over.

It's likely this is what's happening to them. Unfortunately, finding a solution when your ex is not on board might be nearly impossible.

This sounds very likely. It doesn't sound at all as if you're the problem. I don't have any answers for you though, hopefully someone with similar experiences will be more help.

He threw your son across the room? Sounds like he is abusive and shouldn't be allowed to spend so much time with the children if he is 'throwing' them for making mistakes. Could also be part of why their behavior is difficult when they come back to you. They probably try to 'behave' better than ever around him so he doesn't hurt them...but then they have to let out their frusteration at some point, so that happens when they come back to you. Because while you may not just let misbehavior slide you're not hitting or throwing them. So it is probably 'safer' for them to misbehave with you than their seemingly violent father.

Throwing your son across the room is not “super strict”—it’s domestic violence. If you know your ex abuses your children & you do nothing about it, you are a part of the problem. It’s understandable you are not able to cope. You & your children need professional help.

I reported him for this incident and I went to child protective services, I took my son to a psych to try and get him to tell an independent third party what happened, but he just shuts down and won't talk about it.
I sought legal help to have his custody removed... He was contacted, he told them I was lying.
My word against his and that was it. The children seem otherwise well when in his care to outside observers and so I got told there is nothing I can do

He has domestic violence issues - emotional abusive, control issues, which is why I left - he was never physically violent to me, only threatening.

He took me to court for custody and was awarded 35%... I can't get it reduced and they are too young to have a say so I have to send them there. They are happy to go most of the time, but without fail they come home upset and with stories of what happened (like my son having a meltdown because of shorts that felt bad for him, and his dad forcing him to leave them on because our son "needs to know he's not the boss"

I have tried to discuss with him that there is a line between being firm and being cruel, he says I am exaggerating and the kids are exaggerating and it's all out of context.

I really don't know what else to do at this point, short of literally running away with my kids.

He knows he was in the s**t after that incident and has been sucking up to the kids since then, buying them heaps of toys and crap, trying to bribe them into wanting to be at his house.

He causes meltdowns in me, because I can't deal with him, I feel sick when I know I have to speak to him. He said just last week in front of the psych that he understands the sensory issues and will work to make sure he has clothes that are comfortable for my little boy. He went over meltdown management etc.... but as soon as we are out of the psychs office he says he thinks it's all a load of s**t.

I don't know how I can fight against someone who puts on such a good show for everyone else, and the only people who can help me is my kids, but they don't want to say anything because they don't want him to be mad and they don't want him to stop loving them (their words). So even when they tell me stuff now they beg me not to say anything to him because they don't want him to know they told me.

Your ex is gaslighting. Your kids aren’t there to help you. You are the adult. You are there to help them. It’s natural they do not want to lose their father’s “love”. Your ex could also be asd or just a narcissist. Asd & narcissism sometimes (not always) appear similar on the surface. No doubt the way your ex is treating your children is the way he was raised. You need emotional support from other survivors of domestic violence. The meltdowns are indicators of a much larger problem. Not that they make anything easier, but who said life was easy?

I only mean help me in so far as telling the people that can help stop his behaviour or get them away from him, so that the stories are believed. When it's only coming from me and the kids won't retell their stories judges and lawyers just shake their heads and say I'm being the 'bitter ex wife'


Narcissist is something I have suspected for a long time.
I do wonder about ASD, he is a very social person (which is why he claims that there is no way 'it came from him') ... But it's always about what other people think of him. (which is why he doesn't want to acknowledge the kids ASD, in his words he 'doesn't want to be the dad of two autistic kids' he is worried about what his friends etc will think.

He is also a pathological liar.

I wonder if his domestic violence is his meltdown? I know when I melt down, I want to hurt others. I do it with my words. Just as much/even more damaging to myself & others. I learned how to communicate & have unhealthy boundaries from my dysfunctional family system & then the dysfunctional relationships I chose later reinforced the pattern. I’m becoming more aware of how I hurt others. It’s a painful but necessary step to grow as a human. Keep learning about asd, meltdowns, & domestic violence. I like to write notes in a composition book, just stuff I want to remember, & then reread what I’ve written later. Knowledge is power.

Wow, so sorry to read all this.

Know one thing: you are NOT the problem. Your children feel safe with you, that is why, unfortunate as it is, you get the brunt of their negative behaviors. Everyone experiences negative emotions and stress and they can only be supressed for so long.

Perhaps a good stress-relieving activity or exercise would be a good thing to do as you reunite. You will have to figure out the best activity and timing, but you could encourage a gripe session (yelling out everything that has bothered each person), a paper ripping session (that is my daughter's stress relief of choice), a nature hike (my son's choice for getting himself centered; maybe after a gripe session), or ??? I encourage you to get creative and experiment, see if there is any chance of releasing that negative energy in a healing way so that you don't have to deal with as much unpredictable behavior later.

Oh boy! You have just described my Father. My Father is not autistic, my Mother was an Aspie. People like my Father do seem to be attracted to people with ASD. My Father is able to turn on the charm to the point where people would tell me I was lucky to have a Dad like him but when they were not around, he was a vile excuse for a human being.
I am so, so sorry you are dealing with someone like him.
My Mother never sought help or support for herself or us. It really didn't exist back then. One time she went to the police after he tried to stab me but he was drunk at the time and missed. He stabbed the wall instead. The police told Mum there was no law against a man stabbing his own wall. I understand your children not wanting to share their 'embarrassing secret' with a stranger. I would have felt the same way as I always blamed myself for the way he was. If I only behaved better he wouldn't lose his temper. If I was nicer he wouldn't hate me. If I wasn't so stupid he wouldn't say such horrible things. I suffered tremendous guilt.
My only suggestion would be to find a psych that you and the children can build a relationship with. When they start to feel safe, little things will start to slip out. They can't be rushed into a full disclosure. A good psych can also help them hold on to some self respect. My Fathers behaviour has undermined my sisters and my entire lives. Neither of us have anything to do with him anymore and we have a pact. When he dies, he's being cremated and we are taking his ashes to the tip. It's the perfect place to dispose of rubbish
People like your Ex do terrible damage to children. They need support but in a low key, non-threatening way.
My thoughts and very best wishes go out to you.

Very, very good advice. Find a good psych and slowly build relationship.
Only a good one, I remember a psych who was concrete sure my sister had been molested because she drew a tree with a hollow No more questions asked, accusations thrown My sister still hates psychs after this.

I proposed a homemade test to tell a narcissist from an aspie in another thread: how he reacts to dubious flattery? Does he smoothly absorb any bs if it flatters him or looks startled and disoriented, spotting incorrect parts?

Gosh, my husband can be agressive when he has his meltdowns! Only after that he is really sorry, apologizes and tries to repair as much as he can. And he tries to limit himself not to really harm anyone. I don't know if he's ASD, it's possible (introverted nerd with poor social skills and sensory issues...) I'm sure he's not a narcissist. But I worry a bit about the kids. I could handle his violent outbrusts myself, to the point we forgot they even happen, but the kids are not as strong as I am
But it's a totally different story.

That would be smooth absorption of anything that flatters him. If it makes him look good he will roll with it, truth or not.
He will lie to make himself look better too. Like at the psych for my son he told the psych all about how he bought a watch for my son to remind him to go to the toilet (I bought the watch and set the alarms), he said he had initiated meditations before bed to help our kids sleep (I pestered him for months to start doing it because we do it at our house every night and the kids tell me he uses it as blackmail - they can either call me to say goodnight or have a meditation but not both etc) there were heaps of these little things that he took credit for that are either things I have requested or straight up things I know he doesn't do.