Ex gf abused me for two years. I ended up slapping her.

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She was slightly taller and almost 10 kg heavier than me. We fought a lot because of my emotional unavailability. She ended up taking a habit of attempting self harm in front of me or giving me a flurry of slaps during arguments. A couple times she also jumped on top of me when I didn't want to have sex with her.
I was so confused and I thought I deserved it because I wasn't being a good partner. I tried many times to break up with her but for a number of reasons we were forced to live under the same roof and at the same time keep our relationship a secret.
I can't forgive myself for having slapped her, three times in total. I had never slapped or punched anyone.
I am now isolating myself because I'm too afraid and ashamed to start a new relationship and I don't want anybody to get near me.
I've given a look at her social media lately and all she does is complaining, from time to time, about how I never loved her. I am bewildered.

Forget her. Not worth your love or time.

At least you're rid of her now.

Agreed with both previous posts. Let this one go. You’re gonna be ok.

What happens with so many people is that they are so desperate to have a significant other in their life that they force the first person who gets close enough to them into a role. That role being what they want in a partner without any consideration as to "who" the person they are currently with actually is. You end up being forced to play a person's ideal mate and not allowed to simply be who you are. When I was in my early twenties, I dated a guy who bought me cloths, shoes, jewelry etc... according to what he saw fit for a woman to wear. I was none of that. I started to deeply resent him and eventually broke it off. I couldn't be myself around him. He even tried to modify my opinions and beliefs. He wasn't evil - just a pain in the keester.