Trying to understand friendship and platonic feelings

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Hello I've been (slightly obsessively) ruminating on these topics for the past few months and chatted to a few people about it, googled lots of articles and blogs, but maybe this forum is the best place to engage in such discussions.
It is really hard to find other people to talk to about this as most folk seem to intuitively get these things, or if they don't they don't express it openly.

I've read so much about how people on the Autistic Spectrum really want friends but have difficulty making and keeping them.
A lot of articles aimed at autistic people talk about how to make friends etc, but almost none of them actually explain what a friend is, what is friendship, what sort of feelings and emotions surround platonic relationships to help you identify whether they are just an acquaintance or a close friend etc. Or maybe I have just been looking in the wrong places.
Also so much info is based on children or teens, rather than adults and the more complicated inter-personal relationships that come with the territory.

I'm 34 years old, but I have only recently realised that I don't quite grasp the subtle concepts around friendship. While I understand the basic ideas around it and the 'theoretical' side, I'm not sure I even know what it is or what defines someone as a friend versus an acquaintance. I don't think I experience friendships in the way other people do and I don't know what to do about it. Or if I should do anything about it at all.

I think I am slowly starting to understand that many people feel a strong urge or desire to get to know someone and hang out with them. And a friendship develops that way....
Wanting to spend time with them, thinking about them, missing them or their company, admiring them etc.
It seems like the feelings and desires in a good platonic relationship are the same as that of a romantic/sexual relationship but without the sexual intimacy. Is that a correct way to interpret it?

I have always associated those desires with a romantic/sexual relationship as I have never felt it with a platonic connection so far. I didn't know that was what was meant to happen!
If I have sex with someone and start to feel this need to spend time with them and get to know them, then I will pursue the possibility of a romantic relationship, assuming they also feel the same way about me. If I don't feel the urge after sex has happened, then I assume it was a nice short-term / casual sexual experience but not worth pursuing in any sense.

Looking back on my life, I now don't think I have *ever* felt that strong platonic urge / desire when I meet people - the desire to get to know someone and spend time with them. Mild curiosity - yes.
I have always been very passive and usually find myself 'adopted' by other people in a sense. They come up to me and try to make conversation, or they start asking me to hang out with them or accompany them to an event or invite me to a party. And I say ok and go along, not necessarily because I want to or I am excited by the prospect, but because it feels like the right thing to do, the polite thing to do, a rule/script in my head that says I should say yes because this person is nice and is being nice to me. I also might invite them to an event or reciprocate in some manner because it feels like the polite thing to do.

I seem to be able to talk very openly about a number of personal issues. Although I don't expose a lot of vulnerability, I can speak very matter of factly about many things like mental health issues, past emotional abuse etc that maybe other people feel scared to talk about to others. I think maybe this behaviour of mine is then interpreted by the other person as me being open and vulnerable and so feel like some sort of friendship has been established?
People seem to tell me lots of things about themselves. When a person tells me a problem or worry, I try to listen as impartially as possible and provide a non-judgemental answer. I will talk about a similar experience I may have faced to show them that I might be able to understand where they are coming from, rather than it being a show of vulnerability on my part.

I have 'friends' but I seem to be going through the motions in terms of meeting these people or chatting to them on a regular basis because I understand that is what is expected of me. I really don't feel any attachment or urge to hang out with them. If I do socialise, it is to be polite or to follow a script to reciprocate their nice and kind behaviour, not from a desire to be around them.
I sort of like my 'friends'. They are nice people and I usually find them pleasant company, even if socialising can be draining. I have never explicitly asked these people about our 'friendship' nor have I felt a great want for them to be in my life. If by some means, they disappeared from my life, I might feel a little sad and occasionally miss them, but since I am far too comfortable with my own company, it wouldn't bother me overall and I might seek out new people.
I do value my 'friends' and want the best for them, especially those I have known for decades, but I really don't feel any sort of deep attachment.

It is only with sexual and romantic relationships where I feel a genuine urge to see someone and hang out with them and get to know them. I feel a deep attachment and longing that never happens with friends.
I've always labelled myself as misanthropic. I can be quite grumpy towards humanity in general. I'm friendly to most but it is very rare I find someone whose company I really enjoy. Sex is the only way I know how to really bond to someone. I only desire someone's company if our relationship also includes a sexual and romantic component. I can 'click' with more people romantically than I can platonically, now that I think about it. Not sure where that leaves me.

I think on some level I definitely want a new friend, someone I really connect with and feel excited to hang out with and get to know. I feel I've grown apart from old friends and the new ones I've accidentally made don't really enthuse me. But I don't know how to go about meeting someone like that.
Finding a friend you are really compatible with seems as tricky as finding a romantic partner!!
I wish there was a way to 'platonically date' a person and then say 'sorry I don't feel any platonic chemistry between us so I don't think I want to be your friend' or 'yeah I really like your company, can we be friends'....

I've been told I should find friendship among those who share the same hobbies and passions like me, but most of the things I like are fairly solitary activities or are quite specific / focused / probably a bit boring to most people.


Tldr

I'd be interested to hear how other autistic people define friendships and their platonic feelings.

* What is a friend?
* How would a friendship be described?
* How can you distinguish it from an acquaintance?
* What sort of feelings and emotions do people have in these platonic relationships? Could you describe what these platonic feelings are like?
* How do you know the other person also has those same feelings for you?
* It seems like the emotions and feelings people have in a platonic relationship are the same as in a romantic/sexual relationship, but without the sex. Have I understood that correctly?
* How often do you meet up with friends?
* How do you handle the 'maintenance' involved in friendships? Does it get tiring?

I'm not sure if I'm the right person to reply to this thread, since I presently do not have a circle of friends, and my history of friendships and social interaction in general has been very inconsistent. But I was intrigued by your description of how you perceive romantic vs platonic relationships.

*I would define a friend as someone you've built a relationship with based primarily on mutual trust. In my opinion, a friend is a always a confidant, a person you can express your innermost feelings and doubts to, and who can do the same with you. An important aspect in friendships in my case is common interests. If we can talk about the same topics that interest us, and do activities related to them, that's a good basis to sustain the friendship on.
*An acquaintance would be someone I meet infrequently but still every once in a while. I might know them from work, or from some hobby club or course, or just because they live in the neighbourhood and we had a chat or two prior. There isn't the solid base of mutual trust, but there is typically mutual sympathy. We greet each other when we see each other.
*With friends, my feelings are strong. I would put myself second and the other person first in a situation where the friend needs help. I am interested in what my friends are doing (creatively, professionally, etc), what's on their minds. I am often interested in spending time with them during my off hours. With acquaintances this is significantly less so, though it may occur that I might start thinking of an acquaintance as a potential friend, at which point my interest rises to a comparable level as with friends.
* Given my abysmal experience with friendships, especially in the latter half of my life (pretty much age 16 until now), a huge part of my problem is that I can often not tell whether the other person is reciprocating my feelings toward them. At times, I have thought they did, only for me to find out they did not. A good indication is that the other person asks me questions about how I've been or what's going on in my life, remembers certain things I've mentioned about myself in past conversations and brings that up again.
* It seems that for most people, there is a distinction between what they feel in a platonic relationship as opposed to a romantic/sexual one. For me, it's a bit backwards I think. Before I can be romantically interested in someone, a strong friendship must first have been established. So for me, the romantic feelings are kind of 'built upon' a pre-existing friendship, and are an expansion of that friendship. So it's fair to say that in my case my feelings for platonic friends and romantic partners are highly similar.
* In an ideal situation, which does not exist for me at present, I would meet up with friends at least once a week if possible. I would have frequent get-togethers after worktime and in the weekends. I would prioritize spending time with friends over other events of interest (say there's a zoology convention I'd have been looking forward to, but a friend has a birthday on that date, I'd prioritize my friend).
* This is something I have not put to the test, as my last significant friendships were in school when no such maintenance was required (because we did mostly hang out in school itself, and my time at home was pretty much exclusively 'me-time'. At this point, maintaining an actual friendship is purely theoretical, although I do maintain off-work contact with a small number of co-workers and ex-co-workers.

I hope this is at least of some use to you. I know my social life or lack thereof is quite unconventional even for WP standards.

Thanks for your response, CyclopsSummers!
Whether you currently have friends or not, it is still interesting to know what people's thoughts and ideas are about friendship.

Everything you have described about a friendship so far is what I would use to qualify a romantic and sexual relationship.

In other words, after I have slept with someone and established that I enjoy sex with them and there is a basic level of mutual attraction and curiosity, then I will try to cultivate a relationship based on mutual trust that grows over time. I will become very interested in knowing more about them and their life, background, interests, what's on their mind etc. I fairly quickly begin spending a lot of time with them when I can. I start to feel that they are someone I can express my innermost feelings and doubts to and they do the same with me, so they become my confidant. We share a number of common interests / activities and talk about them. I have very strong feelings for them and would do my best to help them out. If they are sad, then I feel sad too and I want to do things to cheer them up or be supportive.

To me, that is what helps me separate someone from the crowd as a romantic and sexual partner. I get these thoughts and feelings and find it is mutual.

I don't get any of those feelings in a platonic setting and I'm not sure why. I mean I do care about my friends on some level and will help them out if they need it. But that's how a decent human being should treat everyone, not specifically friends. Maybe I just haven't met the right kind of people.

I'm very good at masking myself in social situations. For short periods of time, I can put on the role as you described below

I don't talk a lot about myself unless asked specific questions. I know most people enjoy talking about themselves, so part of trying to 'fit in' and 'pretend' to be normal is that I ask a lot of questions and appear very interested in what someone says. So I think it makes them feel nice and they keep talking to me. I don't feel close to them or have a strong attachment to them but I can play the part of a good listener fairly well.

I don't know how to have these platonic feelings with people. I didn't quite realise that's what people look for in friendships, otherwise I would have made different choices when it comes to friends

I'm terrible at the feelings/emotions part. I see the distinction between platonic and romantic/sexual the same way. Either there is sexual attraction or there isn't. It's the only thing that's different to me. I also don't develop friendships well or easily. I'm able to form acquaintance-like bonds okay, but actual friendships are almost impossible for me. I have 2 people I would consider friends, both I've known for 11-13 years. I made what I thought was a new friend, but it turned out not to be the case.

It doesn't matter a whole lot to me, either way, if I make any new friends or not. I'd like to meet people that share interests and neurotype, because the majority of the people in my life are primarily NT and it gets exhausting socializing with them. I'd like to not have to work so hard at communicating, and also not have to be relegated to one-dimensional neutral answers because I'm not interested in anything they're interested in.

I'd like to understand it better, as it seems you would too. But it seems like such a monumentous task, trying to grasp something that may as well be a dead language to me.

I also have issues with maintaining and growing relationships with my friends. Romantic and more platonic friendships are even harder. I have a few close friends and a fair number of acquaintances, but its hard for me grow relationships with my acquaintances, since its hard for me to tell whether or not someone wants to really be friends with me.