My story, am i really autistic?

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When i was a kid i was uncontrollable, i used to hit everyone and then retreat without speaking for a long time. I had none language delay, however i spoke very few, just to ask things and give my opinion. Also i was very shy and afraid to interact with most people except my mother.
I had a huge imagination, i could imagine passionate stories with alot of creatures and monsters, the bad side of it was that i was very often afraid due to my over acting imagination. Always thinking about horrifing things that were here to get me, i used to make alot of horrible nightmares.
I was also very sensitive and could cry for hours when seeing an animal being hurt, i was even making up scenarios in my mind were my parents were murdered or were abandoning me and could cry because of that even though i knew it wasn't real.

Because of my weird behavior my mother asked help and i ended in a special school. I had many symptoms(that i still have to some degree) like OCD, dyspraxia, echolalia and prosopagnosia. I ended up being dignosed with PDD at around 6. After growing up i left this school but never was able to sccesfully integrate into society, making friends,...

Last year i ended up recieving a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome. Since i have red alot about it and found that there are some similarities with my case, however i dont recognise myself fully in it.

The reasons are that i can speak normally and have no problem showing my emotions, i have no problems making myself being understood and i am good at understanding people(at least on day to day relations, in personal relationships it get harder). In the other hand i'am not good with hard logic which is supposed to be aspie's strong point.

I dont have that "autistic" feeling that you can get when interacting with some autistic people. I'am weird but it is more a "beneath the surface" kind of weird. It is something i know to hide, which makes it way harder for me. I know very well how people think and i can see how i'am different. If i avoid social situations and they tire me, it is mostly because i have to hide who i'am and play a role which is exhausting. This is due to the fact that i have strange interests and that i'am mostly immature, still a kid in my head with a high imagination. So i have to give an acceptable image but i hate it as well as this boring "realistic" world.

In the other hand i like being around people and going out, in the condition that those people understand me and share the same interests. I dislike being lonely, and my dream would be to be surended like minded people. Well i sometimes need to be alone to recharge, but i'am not the kind of loner who never want to see anybody. In fact during my teenage years i suffered alot due to the fact of having no friends nor girlfriend. I used to do anything to have friends to the degree of being too kind and being taken advantage of, i knew that but was willing to endure anything hoping that i would end up being liked by other kids.

However i have difficulties keeping up when in a group because it seems that every conversations goes too fast and i have so many things i want to say on each subject, i ended up not being able to form a correct sentence resuming all that i want to say. I prefere small groups where people will let me the time to calmly explain myself. I'am bad to react properly to jokes and to retort to them, when i do it feels unatural. Also i don't feel at ease when in crowds, there is too much informations i can easily get dizzy. However i don't have problem with loud music and sensory stimulations.

I found the psychiatrist who diagnosed me with PDD when i was a kid, and he told me that i had symptoms leading toward autism but that he was not able to put me in that category, he told me i'am atypical even in the realm of autism. So in fact he didnt gave me a real answer...

As you can see, i have symptoms that match autism, others that completly contradict it. I compared myself with alot of autist people but never could find the thing that could guarantee me to put myself in the "autistic" category. Am i doomed to remain isolated???

According to this informations do you really think it is ok for me to call myself autistic? or should i search further? What else could it be?

Thanks

I'm pretty sure it's a myth that Aspies don't have or show emotions. I think we feel emotions more intensely than most NTs, and probably show them a bit too much.

We also are just about on par with NTs reading other people's emotions, but often don't know how to respond to them.

Being "weird beneath the surface" sounds exactly like an Aspie who is good at "Passing".

I gather you were diagnosed under ICD-10? In the DSM-5 (and also proposals for ICD-11), both Asperger's and PDD-NOS are folded into Autism Spectrum Disorder.

So, from that perspective, your two psychologists are both in fact diagnosing you with the same thing: ASD. They're just seeing different aspects of it in you.

Sounds like your psychologists are working at trying to help you. My advice is to be patient. (Pun?) In the mean time, have you seen this?
http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

You've not actually said anything that contradicts you being autistic I don't think. Plenty of autists want friends, can converse, don't appear autistic.

If you identify as autistic then you are perfectly within your right to consider yourself so, but if you're not happy with it because you don't feel like it describes you, have you heard of Social Communication Disorder (SCD)? As far as I understand, people who would have been diagnosed with PDD-NOS (is that the same as PDD?) under the last DSM are now diagnosed with SCD, so you may feel like you fit that better? As far as I can see though, SCD is just a milder form of autism. Rather like Aspergers was to Autism before. They're all just labels at the end of the day I'm afraid. We're trying to fit uniquely-shaped things into square boxes.

I'm not sure if you are trying to state that having strong emotions proves you are autistic or not, but pretty much everything you said seems familiar to me and I'm an Aspie. Here are some examples:

When I was a kid, I watched this made for TV movie about this homeless lady who went from shelter to shelter for years, and all she wished for was to have a house in a rural area she could plant a garden in. In the end, after many struggles, her social worker somehow pulls it off and the movie ends with her being just thrilled and going into the yard and running her fingers through the dirt where she could plant her garden. After the ending, I cried for hours and my mom couldn't console me. I probably had a melt down.

I had a vivid imagination and when I'd go to the mall I'd imagine it was a space ship flying through space with myself and my two best friends in it, each with our own huge section of this mall/spaceship to live in. Of course there would be a central control center we'd meet up in just like in Star Trek and we'd have adventures but still remain safe in this space ship with powerful force fields (wow, I was such a nerd).

I still can get lost in large group conversations. Yet, in individual conversations I can be pretty good at reading facial expressions and sometimes even predicting the outcome of the conversation before it's over.

I also talk normal. Heck, at this point I even talk with good expressive speech that emphasizes my emotions i.e. if I'm joking or upset or being sarcastic. Of course, I learned this stuff by watching others and a lot of TV/movies.

You sound like autism is a strong possibility and you've even been diagnosed to boot.

I'm not sure if you are trying to state that having strong emotions proves you are autistic or not, but pretty much everything you said seems familiar to me and I'm an Aspie. Here are some examples:

When I was a kid, I watched this made for TV movie about this homeless lady who went from shelter to shelter for years, and all she wished for was to have a house in a rural area she could plant a garden in. In the end, after many struggles, her social worker somehow pulls it off and the movie ends with her being just thrilled and going into the yard and running her fingers through the dirt where she could plant her garden. After the ending, I cried for hours and my mom couldn't console me. I probably had a melt down.

I had a vivid imagination and when I'd go to the mall I'd imagine it was a space ship flying through space with myself and my two best friends in it, each with our own huge section of this mall/spaceship to live in. Of course there would be a central control center we'd meet up in just like in Star Trek and we'd have adventures but still remain safe in this space ship with powerful force fields (wow, I was such a nerd).

I still can get lost in large group conversations. Yet, in individual conversations I can be pretty good at reading facial expressions and sometimes even predicting the outcome of the conversation before it's over.

I also talk normal. Heck, at this point I even talk with good expressive speech that emphasizes my emotions i.e. if I'm joking or upset or being sarcastic. Of course, I learned this stuff by watching others and a lot of TV/movies.

You sound like autism is a strong possibility and you've even been diagnosed to boot.

You sure sound like one of us to me. There's a lot of aspies who don't get diagnosed with something like PDD at age 6 and put in special ed. That puts your case over the top and seems more genuine to me.

They didn’t have PDD when I was six.

I was diagnosed with plain ole autism at age 3.

Do you feel like you’re an emergent person, Fetus Man?

If Ezra gives his “seal of approval,” you are definitely admitted to the club.