My marriage is dissolving.
Not in a bad way, not it got horrible and all that.
I didn't want that. I mentioned that we shouldn't wait until we hate each other to admit the truth, that it isn't working. Because he's a good person, overall. He's great. A beautiful heart. But we aren't right for each other. EDIT: he agreed immediately. We don't want to hate each other.
We just loved each other too much. We wanted to fix the wounded other. We wanted to love each other back to health.
But love isn't like that. Relationships don't really work that way.
We still love each other. But we can't give one another what we need.
Somehow this is worse than abuse. I've been in an abusive and cheating relationship. But this hurts so much worse. I feel like I could crumble at any minute. Fall apart completely. It's like a hunger, a desperate hunger. If you've never been poor or bad off enough to not have food for more than a few days, you'll not know what I mean. If you have, you will.
This black hole. This gaping emptiness.
It's been 10 years.
I don't know how to live without him.
EDIT on his request: We can't keep hurting each other.
I didn't know it could hurt so much. I didn't know I could love so hard.
EDIT again... I don't know what to do because I'm a runner. I run away when things hurt too bad. I can't. So I don't know what to do with myself. I don't expect anyone else to know or even be able to help. How can anyone really help with something like this? I just needed it off my chest. My friends are all in permanent relationships and happy. I don't want to tell them this.
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"So much of what she'd thought was truth before was merely tricks. No more than clever ways of speaking to the world. They were a bargaining. A plea. A call. A cry."
I am a Bookwyrm.
07 Mar 2018, 3:07 am
