Possible to condition yourself to suppress aspie traits?

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I'm sure anyone who ever knows me would say that I don't show any aspie traits at all. But what i project on the outside is completely different to how i feel on the inside. It's difficult to explain. If it were that easy, it would be fantastic, but the gruelling truth is, it's not. Not at all.

Since my childhood, leading up to now I have somehow forced a large portion of myself down into the deep depths of a void. And i've done this for a number of reasons.

1, when i was a kid I was always looking to other people in regards what to say/what not to say, or do, how to act in certain situations and all things like that to be able to get by and be as human as possible to fit in, blend in. I never voiced any issues i had against a particular activity or behaviour because deep down i just assumed the difficulty or issue was normal, that everyone has such difficulties but it isn't socially acceptable to discuss them and I should just get on with it and do my best. Adult life has brought me to realise that this is not the case.

2, For the fear of doing/saying something wrong I always thought it's just best to not do or say anything. A lesson i learned during growing up (no event in particular but in way of observation) was that when someone does or says something out of line they will be judged and made outcast. I obviously didn't want anyone to judge me or outcast me so I remained a quiet individual who hesitated to part-take in anything to avoid any of the social hassle's.

And so, from adopting this kind of behaviour (or lack of) I feel like i have subconsciously, inadvertently conditioned myself into being as normal as i possible can be. This is not good, because the real me, the genuine me is lost. I feel like an empty shell most of the time, unable to make decisions, make judgements of a situation, understand my social environment and how i actually feel about it. Everything is suppressed.

I liken myself to being a round peg that has been forced to fit into a square hole, forced in that much that it's now stuck. It's going to take a lot of effort to get that round peg out. And i feel like it's time to take it out. I need to embrace who i really am. I am more conscious these days of how much i actually suppress my true self, and it's exhausting. The most important factor in this is just how damn exhausting it is to force myself into 'normal' day in, day out, every waking second. And i can't stop, because i have been living my life this way since forever and i don't know how to break out of it. And i notice a pattern where i push on through my day to day life, exhausting myself through all the social requirements and eventually it gets too much. I feel at breaking point, which is when i start asking stupid questions on forums (lol) and questioning everything so much more deeper!

This, of course, may mean i'm not an aspie. But either way, my struggle to part-take in this normal-acting 'social charade' is definitely real and i have had enough.

I don't do a very good job of it, that's for sure......

But it is possible, I believe.

It can cause stress, though.

I don't think you should force yourself to suppress your traits. It will just make you more miserable and exhausted because it's like being an actor who has to work 24/7, doesn't get vacation time or sick days, and doesn't get paid.

Personally, I think there are positive things about my being aspie. Like my attention to detail when I draw cartoons or my being able to memorize entire poems or dialogue from books and movies. But no, the media only wants you to think it's all bad and horrible.

The unfortunate thing: is that it's probably essential to "fake it" on the job.

When I don't "fake it" enough, I tend to get in trouble.

I got off to a late start in achieving a lot of normal adult milestones but I have improved quite a bit in a short time. I don't seem that different to others now. When I was a kid, I did a lot of the same things the OP mentioned. I was a lot more awkward then and my differences were far more noticeable.

I'm autistic and I relate strongly to the struggle you describe. As a child I built my own behavior out of things I saw other people doing, and it felt alien to me at first, but it allowed me to "succeed" in school and at work. My parents, some teachers, and other kids were often brutal about discouraging me from authentic autistic behaviors. I developed a fear of being ostracized or bullied for showing anything abnormal - having an odd tone of voice, stimming, showing feeling reactions that I would be told were "not appropriate", walking funny, looking around too much, staring too much, moving around too much, sitting completely motionless, etc., etc. I did well academically and professionally, although I didn't make any lasting friends. Now I'm (probably) retired, have lived alone for quite awhile and I find that like you describe, I don't know how to drop the act and be myself in a way that won't bring misinterpretations and bad reactions from people. It is a form of dissociation (between authentic self and behavior) that was strongly encouraged but it produces a miserable life and ultimately an "autistic meltdown" - there are quite a number of articles on it like: https://boren.blog/2017/01/26/autistic- ... d-passing/ Almost all the articles and helpful people on Wrong Planet encourage autistics to "be yourself". But I haven't run across any descriptions of how to start doing that. I'd love to hear some and I'd really like to take some steps in that direction. I used to go to an adult autism support group here in Boulder county, but everybody there was "passing" as normal even in the group. And the facilitators would present useful info on coping skills or other topics that didn't help adult autistics to behave authentically. I'm hoping there will be more responses on this thread. Authentic behaviors like slumping down on a desk, winking or moving my eyes in unusual ways, wagging my ankle and leg and rocking my body and bobbing my head, wagging a pen between my fingers really fast, making sounds with my mouth, looking down and drawing pictures while people talk seem likely to bring negative reactions. That's how I was for awhile as a child before I learned to be "adult", "respectful" and "professional". But it was a lot more free.

I decided to stop restraining myself and to be myself, whether other people like it or not, having to restrain myself and being "normal" for others around is very exhausting and even one of the reasons I have depression, can being boring and very sad the way others look at me, and I feel really bad about not knowing what they really think or feel about me. however difficult it is for someone with a self-esteem as low as mine to have to deal with people and exclusion even in groups of friends, I feel much more relieved and even started to be proud of who I am, an aspie, because being aspie is a wonderful and exceptional thing. In these moments of crisis I always remember the day of my diagnosis, that was a very happy day. never force yourself to perform 24 hours a day. and f ******* the others.

Just be happy with yourself!! ! You and we are all incredible.

I think you can suppress your Aspie side and I do this at work every day. It is, however, exhausting and I have 'come down' as it were when I get home, generally by chilling out with the internet. That can take hours, before I feel OK again.

The studies behind ABA therapy show that it is possible. However, it is highly unethical and NO ASPIE SHOULD EVER HAVE TO SUPPRESS THEMSELVES!! (Even though I know a lot of us, including me, do it a bit, with varying degrees of success.)

Not everything I do is acting. There are some parts of me that is just natural but "normal". There are times I really have to act, like if somebody says something that offends me but isn't an offensive thing to say, and I know that it'd be weird if I reacted negatively to it. So instead I just have to make myself not think too deeply about it, and move on.
Also I have to act when I'm somewhere near a screaming toddler. It takes all my energy to keep myself from yelling.

But, for some reason, I feel I have to put on an act more when out in public than I do when I'm socialising with family, friends or colleagues. Well, I'm completely myself around family, but with friends I only have to act a little, but when out and about in supermarkets or other public places I feel I have to constantly look confident, emotionless, relaxed, patient, and everything else I'm not. When I'm with friends, I feel like I can express my feelings more, but when I'm alone in public places it's considered psychotic to express your emotions, so I've got to keep my mouth shut, relax my facial muscles, and not show any emotion.

In my opinion, it's not recommended.

Just some suggestions:
Minimize your effort as inconspicuous as possible.
Find other outlets, and different yet more socially appropriate ways to express input/output. Best to find your own terms, than not expressing or processing it well for the sake of 'socially appropriate appearances'.

Don't overdo them. One would end up spending most of their waking lives coping than living. Restraint? Lower your tension levels as much as you could afford to. Because willpower is a very limited resource.

Learn timings -- the when and when not to do or express even the least 'appropriate' of all behaviors. This 'skill' is the how to get away with being odd or letting your guard down with little to no consequences.
It's a complicated skill requires a enough social knowledge and data. It's not about simply taking account of the data, or 'copying' outcomes.


Last but not the least... Do not fear the uncertainty.
That includes odds of failures -- social or not, expectations or not. It's a way to find other routes other than 'acting' out of 'worry' unless failure is truly not an option (i.e. actual life and death situation, not some perceived threat when it's not.)
And this also means, learn how to take a hit without internalizing or suppressing negative feedback -- criticisms, negative reviews, and other nastiness. Whatever banes perfectionists, but not of those with standards.

Find your pace as much as possible. If you're not allowed to, at least try to get a bit closer to that level.


As an autistic, regulation is mainly manual alright. But I wouldn't like it if I lead my life mostly out of fear, or all about everyone else's expectations without a room to be selfish or be human.
Besides, in my case, I actually wouldn't like it if people knows too much about me -- yet I wouldn't attain that via masking.

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I dont like the idea of that. Someone once told me to do that and it would make life easier. But I would be living a fake life. I try to maintain eye contact but its very difficult. I also think it is very hard to suppress stims. Handflapping feels amazing. Rocking does too.

It's called masking.

It's more common in girls than men, but can be seen in both.

It can cause depression, longterm burnout, and cause people to not really know themselves