How to drop the mask?

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Looking for advice, tips, book recommendations, whatever on how to stop masking. Now that I’m aware I do it I would like to stop but I don’t know how. It’s my default mode even around my family, which is kind of embarrassing. I’m myself with my boyfriend and sometimes one on one with other people but once there’s more than a few people I either take on one of their personas or I get into a super quiet anxiety/fear/frozen state. When I was younger and socializing I used to self medicate with alcohol or drugs. Not a great long term solution but I have to admit it worked really well. I would rather find healthier, more sustainable solutions. I moved to a small, remote community to be with my family and then overwhelmed myself trying to work full-time in an office. It was a horrible burnout and I needed to isolate myself just to calm my system down. I’ve gotten much better at calming myself and want to start socializing again but I’d like to be more genuine and not have the socializing overwhelm and exhaust me.

I know this isn’t only a problem for women but I thought they might have more advice for compulsive masking.

Frankly, un-masking has been one of the main topics of my therapy since over a year. It's not so easy to drop habits that one has been using for all their life. I believe there is no easy solution. I still unconsiously get back to it every now and then.

Unmasking included learning to give myself space to quarrel with people. That was super hard, I'm scared of quarrelling because in my childhood it always triggered meltdowns that left me vulnerable and exposed. My therapist was adamant about finding my anger while I was believing I was simply incapable of expiriencing this emotion... after a year of trying my inlaws p*ssed me off to the point I released over 20 years of swallowed anger on them. They didn't take it well... but after a few months even my relationship with them is better than it used to be.

I don't know of any book or technique. It's just slow, tedious process of learning to identify my own needs and emotions, validating them and letting myself act on them. Learning new social skills that allow me to do it next to other people. Including quarrels.

I'm sure my parents are very uncomfortable with me unlearning all the "good behavior" they put so much effort into teaching me. I admit I feel some trolling satisfaction about it.

Thanks magz. Yeah it was that striving for good behaviour that got me in this mess.

I can relate.
I really woud like to be nice to people. But it turns out I've been doing it on expence of my own mental health.

It's so great joining this forum and realizing other people do things that you thought nobody else did.
I do this too and am wondering the same thing. It feels wrong in hindsight that I'm not being genuine and it's almost like I change depending on who I'm talking to. I wish I had advice but I don't.. best of luck to you.

Masking is useful in situations where you shouldn't let your guard down, when possible I try to limit those situations to help with my energy levels. With trusted people I cut down on the self editing or gently check myself when I overthink about how to respond or act, its meant that Ive needed to clarify miscommunications more often and make amends for being too blunt; but its also meant that I'm frank about there being too much noise and that I need a break from it, or that I cant focus on what someone is saying due to the jumble of background noises. A big part of it was acknowledging that I needed to start taking breaks, five or ten minutes to myself to feel less stimulated and then I can return feeling more able to be social.

I’m an opportunist. I’m always looking for opportunities to rock inconspicuously. I’ve even incorporated rocking into my morning meditation routine.

Leah bear

You want to drop the mask

And I want to put the mask on

How do you put the mask on?

Maybe like the, goal is to get adept at putting on and taking off the mask, when suitable

Numerous times, someone treated me differently, than they treated others, soon upon approaching

In some instances, cashiers have done so

Well I don’t think you want to do things my way. My masking came from a place of shame and a need to hide all parts of myself, especially the parts that are different than the norm. My grandparents were taken away from their families by the Canadian government and put in residential schools where they were traumatized into feeling shame for who they were. My mom passed that down to me and I guess as a child I figured my autistic response to the world was different too and fit into this same category as something to be ashamed of and I tried my hardest to deny and hide it.

I’m not sure what healthy masking looks like. I’m thinking none of it is healthy for me right now.


I have a hard time responding in real time and knowing what I want or what my emotions are until quite a bit later. Self regulation therapy has really helped me to feel in my body when things start to go wrong and I feel it immediately. I know that shrinking feeling of shame now and have been working on stopping it before I start spinning in it and refusing to allow it to control my behaviour. I still automatically answer yes when someone asks me to do something, but now I pause to see how my body feels and if it feels wrong I correct my response and tell them no. Baby steps