Amy Gravino - “Dr. Ruth of Autism”

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The Montclair resident is working on a memoir, "The Naughty Autie," about her escapades in the dating world as a woman living with autism.

"It's like 'Sex And the City' but with someone on the spectrum," she said, likening herself to Carrie Bradshaw, minus the impeccable social skills.

Amy Gravino, the self described Dr. Ruth of the Autistic Community is working on a memoir about her escapades in the dating world as a woman with autism. The working title is "The Naughty Autie”

She hopes her book will offer insight to individuals with autism on the dating scene.

For starters, she suggests that people on the spectrum try not to come on too strong: "If you've just met, telling someone you really like them puts a lot of pressure on that person. Give it time." She notes that it's not uncommon for men on the spectrum to be accused of "stalking" when they believe they're just being friendly or romantic.

When Gravino entered her first serious relationship during college, she says, she had no idea what to do, so she tried to mimic the girlfriends she saw on TV. In retrospect, she realizes, "I just needed to be myself."

That mistake is frequently made by her peers on the spectrum, she says.

"Sometimes when you like someone, you want to do things for them, including changing who you are so they will like you better. This is exhausting, and unfair both to you and to them. Be who you are, because nobody else can do that.

After college, Gravino fell for a man she had met online, a waiter who was two years her junior. She thought it was true love so, acting impulsively, she moved across the country to be near his Seattle home.

Within a few months, she discovered he had a mean streak and a girlfriend, who left insulting messages on her phone.

Today Gravino is a wiser woman for that catastrophe. "I had to learn the hard way. I was inexperienced and vulnerable. I loved too deeply."

She is now more careful about whom she dates and is mindful not to rush into anything. "I have more confidence, I can afford to be picky."

A public speaker, she works as a certified college coach for students on the spectrum through the Fairfield-based company she founded, ASCOT Consulting. She is also on the board of directors of "Yes She Can," which does job training for women on the spectrum.

She has spoken twice on United Nations panels on World Autism Awareness Day. At her most recent address, on April 5, she spoke about empowering women with autism and noted that women, in particular, are frequently targets of bullying.

Gravino is somewhat of an expert on that topic.

She was bullied through elementary, middle and high school by her peers, who called her "ugly, freak and loser." They mocked her for being different because her disability made her impulsive, anxious, awkward and extremely sensitive to noise and smell. On at least one occasion, they urged her to kill herself.

She desperately tried to fit in by adopting mannerisms of other girls in her class. But it never worked. Nobody would be her friend.

Her parents were concerned about her meltdowns and took her to various specialists who were perplexed. But one day, the 11-year-old ended up at the Child Psychology Department of Stony Brook University on Long Island, where she was diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome.

The label itself didn't change anything. "I already knew I was different even when I didn't know what autism was. And I knew that different was bad." It would take her years to understand what autism was, and even longer to not hate it and hate herself, she said.

She points out that many girls are never diagnosed with autism because they are able to mask their symptoms.

Low expectations are a constant challenge for people on the spectrum. Experts told her parents she would never graduate from high school, but she eventually earned a master's degree in applied behavior analysis.

Today she speaks to audiences internationally and runs a successful business. She says autism is very much a part of her identity and something she is proud of.

Yet in many ways, she's just another 30-something in search of true love.

For autistic people dating a neurotypical
Don't come on too strong. It's normal to have strong feelings for someone, but if you've just met, telling someone you really like them puts a lot of pressure on that person. Give it time.

Be yourself. Sometimes when you like someone, you want to do things for them, including changing who you are so they will like you better. This is exhausting, and unfair both to you and to them. Be who you are, because no one else can do that.

Take a break! Take time for yourself and engaging in self-care. If the person you're with tries to make you feel bad for this, they are insecure and do not truly care about you. You deserve better!