Hello I'm new to the forum but my son is 20 with Asperger's

Post Reply New Topic

This is my first post. I've been looking for a forum to get advice and insight. I didn't want to so the Facebook thing because of privacy issues. My son hates me talking about him. He was diagnosed with Asperger's at age 10 but I knew he has it at age 5 we just didn't get it diagnosed. He has two cousins with it on his father's side so I had seen it. I have two neurotypical daughters who are 19 and 4. His bio dad isn't in his life and is a drug addict in and out of jail but he has a great stepdad he is close to . My husband is very patient. So I wanted to give a little back story but my real concerns are issues with Independence and freedom. He can drive and is pretty high functioning except he is late to work alot, he lost his keys again today, he tries to be social but is very awkward. He gets frustrated that he can't budget his money so he's broke alot, he gets frustrated that he has no dating life and he wants to move out on his own badly but I don't see that happening and honestly think it's a bad idea. His psychiatrist tried to talk him into applying for disability but he won't and works a low paying job and spends what he does make on video games and junk food etc... He is on Zoloft for depression and he tells everyone that is his only diagnosis. We are trying to give him responsibilities little by little. He makss friends who use him and he can't see it which is also a huge concern.

At 20, asperger's or neurotypical, he's an adult. You can't and shouldn't organise his life. He has his right to make mistakes and take the consequences of them. It's not your responsibility.
His frustrations about social and dating life are not your responsibility.
It's healthy that he wants to live on his own. Even if he were messy and often broke, it's good that he wants to decide on his own life. He's an adult and wants to live as one, even if it means lots of errors and challenges. Those are his errors and his challenges.

You did your best to bring him up, now he's adult to live his own life.

While I can't disagree with magz that your son is LEGALLY an adult, and in his own vision expects to be treated and act like one, the reality is that ASD involves developmental delays, and the deficits your son is experiencing today may well be things he can grow out of. Still, they are no doubt very real, and it sounds like he has the skills of a typical 15-16 year old boy. It could be helpful to both him and you to recognize and accept that (use your own judgment on if it would be helpful to him). We have never expected our son to act fully like others his age, based solely on his age. We focus on what he, as a unique individual, seems to be ready for. When they are legally adults but not really developmentally ready for it, it can create huge problems, but our son has, fortunately, always been on the same page as we are when it comes to knowing what he is or is not ready for (although he's taken his break up with his first long term girl friend super hard and that has racked his confidence on if he is ready for such a step. First love is rough for anyone.).

I remember reading from ASD adults on this forum years and years ago that most didn't feel they were ready to be adults in the same way as others until they were 25 or so. We actually talked about that potential time table with my son when he was young. It made easier on all of us to simply not expect him to be good at certain life skills until later, even though we've certainly never held him back from learning. Shoot, he's 20, too, and spent this year living overseas on his own, so it isn't like making that allowance forced it to become his reality.

A lot of NT men will argue they didn't "grow up" until they were 25, either.

Point being, I strongly encourage you to forget age = expectation and let your son finish growing up at his own pace. Continue being a mother to him to the extent he needs and wants you to be, all while recognizing that the law does legally give him all the independence he cares to assert. It's a fine line, but I think it's walk-able for most ASD young adults with good relationships with their parents. Reach an understanding that you do believe he will eventually acquire these skills, and expect that he work towards them, just on his own timeline.

The biggest thing you will probably have to totally let go of is the money issues. Unless he wants your help, if he is going to blow all his money, he is going to blow all his money, and the best you can do is to be his safety net so he will always have food, housing, and health care. I do urge you to continue to be willing to do that.

There are group homes for ASD adults in some areas and finding something like that could be a way to provide him independence while allowing you more peace of mind. A friend's son moved into one and has been very happy there. It is normal for him to yearn to be on his own, so I would look into situations that will be a little more controlled, with less for him to worry about. Be creative as to what that might look like.

It is important to keep him feeling like you are there for him, and not against him.

It's also normal for him to want a girlfriend, and you aren't going to be able to shield him from the pain of a first relationship that goes badly. My son dated a young woman who had an ASD brother and so she thought she knew what she was getting into, but my son isn't her brother and it still was basically the ASD that broke them up. I still think my son is a "catch" for the right girl, and I hope he meets her some day, even he is scared off a little right now (I blame the ex for that, I think she said things in the break up she did not need to say). I did spend YEARS burning one message into my son's brain: make sure a date wants to be touched, kissed, etc. NEVER assume. ALWAYS ask. Even if you've been dating a while (my son is sensory seeker, so I've always worried about him on that. He got the message). As with everything else, get the most important messages through the best you can, and then let go. You just have to.

I wish you all luck. I've long had the impression that this can be one of the most difficult stages for ASD individuals, as expectations changed on them abruptly, supports went away, and they aren't all ready for that. Even though every instinct for independence and companionship seem to hit at all the normal ages, the required skills aren't on the same time table. Its tough.