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Getting over being rejected from someone you love

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random23
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15 May 2018, 3:51 pm

I'll try to make this as short as possible, so here are the facts:

I fell in love with someone after talking to them a few times.
I then asked her out, but she allegedly didn't have time at that point.
After a while, I talked to her about my feelings for her and it turned out that she only liked me in a non-romantic way and didn't have the heart to say no directly back then.
Since then I've been keeping my distance from her and trying to move on, but I struggle a lot with this since I can't get her out of my head. I feel restless and unwell an find it hard, sometimes even impossible, to focus on anything. This is bad since I need to stay focused for my assignments at university.
I currently don't really care about anything nor is there anything that sparks my interest. This is also bad since it would be a good distraction. I have tried... but when I read a book, I keep loosing my spot; when I play piano, I sometimes stop playing in the middle of a song and there are periods in which I'm too overwhelmed by bad feelings to force myself to study (or really to do anything which requires even just a little bit of energy).

Has someone of you been in a similar situation? If so, how have you dealt with it?
And, just to make it clear, the "hard part" for me is not the rejection in itself, but the fact that I don't know how to disconnect emotionally from that person.



Vlady
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16 May 2018, 8:47 am

That is a hard one . Especially when rejection is not straight .



hobojungle
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16 May 2018, 9:16 am

When did all this happen? Maybe you need to just give it time?



ConcernedNtHusband
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16 May 2018, 10:12 am

random23 wrote:
I fell in love with someone after talking to them a few times.
You weren't in love with them. You were either in lust with, infatuated with them or a combination of both. You don't fall in love with someone you don't know. The feelings can be incredibly intense, but unless you've known someone for a while and it's a mutual relationship, you cannot possibly love someone. Love is a very deep and intimate state. Shallow knowledge of someone does not facilitate an environment where actual love can bloom. My advice, just keep doing what you're doing with regard to keeping your distance. Eventually you'll stop having those feelings or you'll find someone else to be infatuated with, and best case it's someone who is interested in you as well. Good luck.



modernmax
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16 May 2018, 10:54 am

It's alright. Try 4 years and hundreds of dollars spent on someone just to have it all go down the drain. I didn't cry like I thought I would. Maybe it was because I wasn't expecting the good outcome. I don't know, but I went to a party the next week, had a few drinks, and got over it. You will too at some point or another.


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hale_bopp
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16 May 2018, 12:20 pm

modernmax wrote:
It's alright. Try 4 years and hundreds of dollars spent on someone just to have it all go down the drain. I didn't cry like I thought I would. Maybe it was because I wasn't expecting the good outcome. I don't know, but I went to a party the next week, had a few drinks, and got over it. You will too at some point or another.


Does spending hundreds of dollars on someone mean they owe you a relationship?

Anyway, to the original poster, you’ll get through. It just takes time and physical and emotional distance. It’s not love, but it’s obsession, and it’s just as crippling.

Hobbies won’t fix it, friends probably won’t, but time and distance will.

Your desire for hobbies and a life outside her will return. You’ll be okay. Just stay strong.



random23
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16 May 2018, 1:49 pm

ConcernedNtHusband wrote:
You weren't in love with them. You were either in lust with, infatuated with them or a combination of both. You don't fall in love with someone you don't know. The feelings can be incredibly intense, but unless you've known someone for a while and it's a mutual relationship, you cannot possibly love someone. Love is a very deep and intimate state. Shallow knowledge of someone does not facilitate an environment where actual love can bloom. My advice, just keep doing what you're doing with regard to keeping your distance. Eventually you'll stop having those feelings or you'll find someone else to be infatuated with, and best case it's someone who is interested in you as well. Good luck.


Well, I guess it's a question of how you define love then. What I felt was certainly a lot more than mere physical attraction and it didn't come instantly either...
Anyway, thanks for your and everyone else's support. In some cases time seems to be the only thing that can heal the wounds.



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16 May 2018, 2:02 pm

Yes.

I went for long walks just to burn off all the anxious energy.

It takes time, but you do get over it in time.

It's a horrible road, but you just have to persevere.



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16 May 2018, 4:40 pm

Step 1: don't die
Step 2: love people anyway


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16 May 2018, 6:06 pm

ConcernedNtHusband wrote:
random23 wrote:
I fell in love with someone after talking to them a few times.
You weren't in love with them. You were either in lust with, infatuated with them or a combination of both. You don't fall in love with someone you don't know. The feelings can be incredibly intense, but unless you've known someone for a while and it's a mutual relationship, you cannot possibly love someone. Love is a very deep and intimate state. Shallow knowledge of someone does not facilitate an environment where actual love can bloom. My advice, just keep doing what you're doing with regard to keeping your distance. Eventually you'll stop having those feelings or you'll find someone else to be infatuated with, and best case it's someone who is interested in you as well. Good luck.


If he's as hurt as he is, than I think he was in love. Love means different things to different people.


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16 May 2018, 6:15 pm

random23 wrote:
I'll try to make this as short as possible, so here are the facts:

I fell in love with someone after talking to them a few times.
I then asked her out, but she allegedly didn't have time at that point.
After a while, I talked to her about my feelings for her and it turned out that she only liked me in a non-romantic way and didn't have the heart to say no directly back then.
Since then I've been keeping my distance from her and trying to move on, but I struggle a lot with this since I can't get her out of my head. I feel restless and unwell an find it hard, sometimes even impossible, to focus on anything. This is bad since I need to stay focused for my assignments at university.
I currently don't really care about anything nor is there anything that sparks my interest. This is also bad since it would be a good distraction. I have tried... but when I read a book, I keep loosing my spot; when I play piano, I sometimes stop playing in the middle of a song and there are periods in which I'm too overwhelmed by bad feelings to force myself to study (or really to do anything which requires even just a little bit of energy).

Has someone of you been in a similar situation? If so, how have you dealt with it?
And, just to make it clear, the "hard part" for me is not the rejection in itself, but the fact that I don't know how to disconnect emotionally from that person.


Sweet Pea hugs. :P

It hurts to be in love with someone who doesn't love you back. I went through the same things when I was rejected some years ago by someone. I even took a long break from a particular website that I associated with that person for a while. It's very difficult if you have a hard time keeping calm and carrying on. I have a hard time doing those things. I hope the next woman turns out to be Mrs. Right and that the love can be shared both ways instead of just given by one person.


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ConcernedNtHusband
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17 May 2018, 10:17 am

CockneyRebel wrote:
If he's as hurt as he is, than I think he was in love. Love means different things to different people.

He wasn't in love with the actual person, though. He was in love with the ideal version of that person. Until you're in a romantic relationship with someone and get over the "puppy love" stage, you cannot possibly develop love for that person, because you don't know them on that level until then. If we're going to start allowing people to define their own version of what love is, we're never going to get anywhere because there's not going to be any point of reference.

That said, it doesn't mean it won't hurt. The desire for someone who is suddenly out of reach when you have a strong urge to get close to them can be very painful.



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18 May 2018, 2:37 pm

I've found that the only time that really goes away is when you develop a new crush on someone else.

Seriously.

I had a crush on the same person for many years. It wasn't mutual. We've remained friends. I didn't stop having these thoughts about them until I met someone else that sparked such an intense crush. Then the same for that one.. until a couple years later I met someone else that sparked that same sort of crush. I know accept that the most recent one has no romantic interest in me whatsoever, but I still think about them every once in a while like that.. and I believe I will until a different person takes up that spot in my mind.

I just accept that this is the cycle of crushes I go through and try my best not to allow them to interfere with my life and other priorities like work/school etc. Just recently I was thinking "Summer's nearly here.. I'll probably have a new crush on someone I will never be with." :lol: But hey, at least it'll be a new fantasy, so there's that. Heh 8)


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