weird dream that I had

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I was comming home from visit to my mother. For some reason the time difference was greater than it usually is. Its like 10 hour time difference or something despite the fact that she lives in CA and I live in MI, both in states. So I am not sure which location she moved to or whether we took a trip somewhere. I simply don't remember the first part of the dream. But either way I was comming home and then my mom called me and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was going to sleep. She was surprized because I was moving with the sun so in my time zone it was still morning. I was explaining the whole thing about time zones in a rather pushy manner to her. And then, noticing just how pushy I was talking to her, I began to wonder about two things. First, in the past the scenario was the opposite my mom wanted me to relax while I always wanted to study more and more. Now the reverse was happening and yet it didn't bother me; despite the fact that in the past I was always using pushinness in order to try to demonstrate my commitment to studies and my hatred of rest. Then I was kind of htinking over the comments that Anne made a while ago. She is the girl I really wanted to have a relationship with, but she told me she doesn't want one and one reason she gave was that I am used to my mother's sheltering me. It never made sense to me because I was always mad at my mom for nosing in and I took the forcefullness of my voice as an evidence of my independance.  But now it all of a sudden made sense because the reason I was talking in a loud voice is that I was trying to force my mom to agree with me. And I needed her to agree with me because this, in some way, implies that whatever I am doing I am doing "with" her since she agrees with it.

Either way then I was in a computer lab. And there were certain religious websites that I were only allowed to visit at certain specified times... they were related to some religious sects dealing with either non-standart views on non canonical gospels or non-standart interpretation of bible that we do have... which were also confused with some "towns" I am to walk into at htose times which are nothing but rooms in the same building with computers. It is really hard to explain... So I was waiting for my turn to use a certain website and meanwhile was trying to use up that time that I was waiting by looking at other websites on the computers at the neighboring room. Also religoius websites. Then my turn came but some technical difficulties prevented me from taking full advantage of it. And I was back to the old computers waiting for another turn. But meanwhile I managed to continue to look at taht religious site, just using computer at a different room or something.

Again, something prevented me from actually reading its contents althouth I really wanted to because the title was interesting. Strangely enough, the name of that sect was the one I never heard of before and yet I could almost guess what it was. At first I felt enthusiastic about it because I was about to learn something completely new. But then somehow I began to suspect that I wasn't learning anything new after all since that "obscure" name of the sect might actually be something the author just made up and that whole sect might be non existant but rather the whole website might be specifically author's imagination.

Then the author of the website was sitting next to me. And I tried to ask him that above question as to whether that sect actually exists. He could never understand my question. Part of the confusion was that I couldn't really spell it out what I mean by the difference between "one person sect" and "many people sect". Another part of it was that he was Chineeze and didn't know English very well. Eventually the screen changed and I saw that unknown name next to some other name that I did hear before, which was some kind of eastern religion but I forgot which one. It didn't surprise me at all because I somehow expected the website to be "in that dirrection". I asked him whether those two religious names are synonyms, but again he couldn't understand my question. So I simply gave up asking and perswaded myself those were synonymous just to make myself feel better.

Then that guy asked me his own question, probably in order to get some point across or see how much I understood. He asked me what was, in my opinion, the purpose of his website. I answer him that the purpose was to get people to understand that there were pre-adamic civilizations. I never read his site and I didn't even know it preached it but I guess I just guessed that he believed in pre-Adamic civilizations. I knew there was a distinction between something being one of his beliefs verses somethng being the purpose of the whole website. Yet something made me want to answer this way. Either way, he answered me that my answer was correct.

Then somehow I remembered how Aryan Nations too preach pre-Adamic civilizations; namely they claim those are blacks. So I realized that Aryan Nations aren't Christians but pagan. After all even pagan sites, such as his, still have Jesus in them just a false one. So the halmark of paganism has to be lack of standart views on creationism, which would include Aryan Nations. So then I took this thought further to think that perhaps a lot of other anitsemites really ARE pagans and ppl just see them as Christians for reasons that make no sense, which made me feel that all those years I was thinking about "christian antisemitism" and trying to evaluate whether they had a point, I was really thining of something that doesn't even exists.

Either way then I repeated a question as to whether there is such a sect or its just his personal beliefs. This time the question was understood; but he was somewhat frustrated that I asked it so many times. I was told that the answer to my question is that there is no such sect and it is completely his personal beliefs, just like I suspected. Furthermore, I was told that he just took down his website. I am not sure whether it was him who told me the website is gone or someone else who was also next to me. I kind of realized that my repetitive questioning was why. BUt it really surprised me becauase I was just one person. Besides, he was sitting right next to me and didn't have key board with him which made me wonder just how did he manage to take it down. So I tested what he said by reloading the screen and found out that it says that the location is non-existant, just like he told me.  This made me feel desperation because I really wanted to know what he had to say, just out of curiocity. Fortunately, I had the other window with his staff on it. But I had to go somewhere and I was really worried that if I were to walk away someone would close that window (it was crucial to keep that window open since that staff isn't on the net any more). BUt I really DID have to go. So I decided to reload that window to reassure myself that it is still on the net. It did reload and I did see the same thing. So I felt reassured that I can safely go wherever I have to go. However I still left the window open as I left, just in case.

Then the scenary changes. I am sitting in a car next to a driver, on a front seat. My ex-girl friend, Sarah, was sitting in the back sit with a couple of other people whom I don't remember (we broke up when I moved to Michigan from Minnesota a year ago and neglected to call or E mail her which led her to cheat on me and we never talked ever since since she was mad at me being mad at her cheating). Either way what kept bothering me is that there weren't enough room for me between the front seat or the window. Well to be more specific, there was enogh room if I were to sit straight and look forward. But if I were to turn then there won't be enough room for my shoulders unless I kind of pull my hands in. So I kept turning just to convince myself that I do have enough room. And also that seat that I was sitting in was moveable so I kept moving it back to allow myself more room, then I would prove to myself I have enough room but then again I will find that I have as little room as I did before.

Either way as I was doing it, just to keep my mind occupied I was trying to think back about that webiste that I was reading. Although I never had a chance for some reason to read more than few lines, somehow it struck me that one line that I did read is "you have to place your faith in Christ and in Christ alone". Somehow it surprised me in light of the fact that it was a pagan website. Then I realized that by "Christ alone" they were probably contrasting it with the "creation scenario" which in and of itself isn't the person of "Christ". So in other words they were saying that creationists are putting their faith in their theories about creation which means they aren't looking at Christ as the *only* savior. But then I answered myself that even if you do put faith in Christ you have to know WHO Christ is, and the definition of who he is would include what he did, including all things being MADE through him...

EIther way then finally that long drive was over. I was standing on the street. There was some kind of parade going on. I was walking alone the street. Then the car catches me up and the driver of teh car slows down and Sarah, my ex, is in the car. She is recognizeable but she looks younger, a little bit skinnier and more attractive than she was a year ago when we were in a relationshp. I could tell she was happy to see me. She asks me "guess who I am?" And I tell her "Sarah". But somehow I feel weird she asked me this way because part of me felt that it wasn't neceserely ironic but in fact she did try to find out whether I still remember her; and there is no way how I won't. Either way the fact that she was happy to see me made me hope that we could start a relationshp all over again. But what bothered me is that she is sitting next to a guy, and even though I never talked to her ever since we broke up nor do I know that guy, I just assumed its her new boyfriend. Somehow I feel too scared to ask this question because the answer "yes" would bother me too much. So instead I ask a different question -- whether or not she plans to mary him. In this case the answer "no" will be more likely. She tells me "no" and then she adds how the last name of her kids will be such and such. Even though I don't know that guy, somehow I know that the last name of the kids that she was going to have is NOT the same as his last name. That was reassuring. However, the bad part of it is that it wasn't my last name either. So I asked her just whose last name that is. She answered that it is acutally her mother's last name. Either something negative happened between her and her dad, or else she wanted to hide her origins, I don't remember. But there was *some* reason she wanted to adopt her mother's last name and for the same reason she wanted to pass her mother's last name on her kids.

Then feeling reassured she weren't planning to marry anyone, I decided to try to ask her to have a relationshp with me again and I began to explain that I learned some staff within the year we weren't together and I thought about things a lot to the poitn that I realize my mistakes. However she didn't want to listen and ask me to E mail it to her instead. Somehow I decided that the reason she did it is that she anticipated some kind of long detailed dissection of every single thing that went wrong which she had no patience for. After all, that was one of the biggest things that led to our break up. So I decided to simply say it anyway to make her see that it wasn't what I was going to say and say that "the only thing that I wanted to tell you is that I learned something..." I deliberately tried to be overly brief and only said 2 or 3 sentences but I could tell she didn't even listen to those. She simply kept reiterating that I should E mail her. Then a minute later, as an afterthought, I realized that may be the reason she was saying it is not the fact that my explanations are too long but rather the fact that she didn't want her boy friend to hear it.

Anyway then once she was gone I began to wonder just how lucky I was to meet her. She is in Minnesota and I am in Michigan and she came there for whatever reason and I happened to be walking at just the right time. But then I begin to realize taht I have seen her a few days BEFORE that time when I was walking on the street (this referrs to when I was sitting in that car myself; but somehow I forgot about the car and I just remember how I "met" her few days before). But then I begin to think that may be it wasn't so much of luck because after all it was carnyval so that is a good time to find people.

Then the scenary changes. It used to be a night. Now it is day time. I walk alone the street. And I am handed a 4 page tract with some text in the middle of which it says in large letters "Buddha will not save you". I realized that it is just one more tract with a standart Christian message and it was just a creative way to draw people's attention. However I decided to read it anyway simply because I was curious to see what that "creative way" is. I read the beginning but somehow I got disracted by the conversation people who walked with me were having. Then I was walking with my mom (non-believing Jew) and her friends, some Christians and some aren't. Then we see a Jewish guy approached by a missionary and being offered a DIFFERENT tract from teh one I had but also with basically a standart message of salvation. My Christianity was still a secret from my mom. However since in the past she saw some similar tracts in my house and I told her I am fascinated with collecting things for no reason, and that lie worked, I felt like I was safe to get that pumpet in front of my mom without her suspecting my christianity. Or at least even if she does suspect it she wouldn't confront me with it. We already passed but I kind of turned back to get that tract. But he didn't pay atteniton to me. Instead, he approached some stranger, who was a non-beliveing Jew and offered HIM that tract. He refused. Then he said "here is a different tract, specifically for Jews". Instead of a pumpet he gives him a huge book, Jewish New Testament. He gladly takes it. Everyone amaizes at such a great success and praises that guy (both my mom and her friends). I decided to test their reaction by trying to redicule him. But then I stop myself and decide to do so in a subtle way by saying "what a Jew you are taking Jewish bible". But then I realized that the phrase that I used were ridiculing anyone and everyone EXCEPT Jews for Jesus!! ! So I began to worry that this would lead my mom to suspect my Chrisitanity. But, predictably, she didn't say anything. Probably she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, as always.

Anyway then the scenary changes. It is day time and I am standing in a corner of some other street. I am meditating over my mother telling me that I shouldn't lie to Sarah because who knows may be we will have a relationship again, and she told me the story of a couple who also broke up but then met again at the most unpredictable location. So either way I was meditationg over the fact that my mother was right. Then the car passes by with Sarah sitting there and I just see her eye, looking at me. Even though I only look at her eye, I know she is giving me a happy look. Partly happy, partly the one to entertain me as a kid, the way she did when we were in a relationship. I staring right into her eye and I know we both know abuot each other staring at each other. Then the car passes and I have to turn my head slightly to continue to look at her. She turns her head in return.

I haven't E mailed her yet, but I already assumed that there were a good chance that we WOULD have a relationship and I keep wondering if we would then what should I do with the other girl friends that I have -- Anne and Megan. And then I wake up.