Hoping to have finally landed on the right planet.

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Hey, my name is Tara and I'm 18. I have been diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder. A while ago I've been starting to doubt the latter diagnosis because I feel like something is missing. It doesn't explain and include everything I'm experiencing. I stumbled across Autism a few years ago, took some tests for fun and scored positive, however, I didn't think I matched all of the criteria then and also couldn't find evidence in my childhood, which is a bit of a blur in general. Memories are slowly starting to come back though and I do remember that I noticed feeling out of place, that I was observing and copying people a lot.
I don't know if it actually is Autism (I'm hoping to get closer to an answer on Monday), but if it is it would give an explanation for my whole life basically. A lot of my natural behaviours have been modified by the people surrounding me and it's left me in a bad, confusing place with no identity. I've been moving around and running away all my life to find a place where I could fit in as 'me', but guess what, I didn't.
Now I'm stuck, unable to work or finish the last two years of school to finally get my qualification for university.
My days currently consist of taking care of my horses (they keep me alive) and watching stupid series or doing other unproductive stuff. It's really upsetting because I used to be so creative, but when I try to do something I'm either unhappy with the results or don't get any.
Sorry, I started rambling. I'll finish this off now. Thanks for reading if you've gotten this far.

My advice is read more and talk to professionals.

Depression and BPD are tricky but also scary... There are a lot of things, even some specific to ASD that can appear to be depression that really aren't, but you can't screw around with a depression diagnosis just because you don't like it. Do the research, MANY of us take our own state of being on as a special interest and know more about how our own brains work than many of professionals we talk to do. HOWEVER... that doesn't mean disagreeing with them is really "correct," but challenging them (and yourself) with more depth and understanding is always valuable.

That said... I hear you saying you are masking a lot. That is what we call it when you are covering your natural behaviors with the ones you have learned to copy from other people. That is a thing we all do, but don't let it get in your way... particularly with your psych professionals... telling them what you think they are expecting is NEVER the right path.

Be safe. Learn. and WELCOME!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thanks for your replies!
I do research A LOT about psychology, mental illness, autism etc. and it's definitely one of my special interests (if I have them).
I'm definitely not doubting depression diagnosis! I, however, not sure about BPD. I read that they're not commonly comorbid and rather misdiagnosed in females. I'm not in the position to say that I'm not BPD, I just feel like it doesn't cover everything and that some traits might be better with something different. Also, I am hopefully getting some answers regarding this on Monday. We'll see what happens then.
Sorry, I probably did express myself correctly. I didn't want to go into too much detail, but also not be too brief - a very fine and confusing line.

Hey, I'm new here too, I totally get what you mean when you feel misdiagnosed. It wasn't until I was 19 that Autism was even brought up to me. I had been diagnosed with a slew of disorders, ADHD, OCD, Tourettes, several phobias, etc. Labels help in a way, they give a name and a reason to your suffering, it gives you that sense of relief, "I'm not just crazy." But labels only go so far, because labels don't necessarily teach you anything about what it's the label of. I had a name for my struggle but not an answer to it. It wasn't until I was diagnosed with aspergers that I had something to work with, because unlike ADHD, OCD, Tourettes, etc. I could actually learn about it because it wasn't just a label, it was a tangible part of who I was. I'm reading a book right now called "Living Well on the Spectrum" by Valerie L. Gaus, you should read it to see if it matches up with what you experience. Ultimately like the guy said above, see psychologists about it, but psychology is a funny thing, don't blindly trust the word of a single psychologist. It takes decades of experience for a psychologist to be considered reliable and even then psychology is still a very primitive and messy science, you know yourself best, if something feels wrong keep pushing for more answers.

Thanks for the recommendation!
I have 2 appointments with psychologists next week. One is specifically for autism and the other one is general.
I used to be label obsessed. It's gotten a bit better now. Like you said, I think it helps to be able to name your problems and also recognise and validate them as such. And ideally the label/diagnosis should help treat/cope with whatever the diagnosis is. Because every one requires a slightly different approach. For example DBT is supposed to be good for BPD. Autism needs a completely different method to learn how to cope because the underlying issues are different. Which also makes me wonder if my diagnoses are right because no treatment has worked or was ever close to working. I don't know if that says something about me, the professionals or my diagnoses though.

Probably a combination of the three, again, Psychology is messy. Hit me up if you want to chat or something.

I suppose it is difficult to figure out whether the symptoms stem from a trauma or a neurological condition.
My former paediatrician is convinced that I'm severely traumatised and brushed the idea of autism off before I could even explain myself. I don't feel traumatised though. Sure, some bad things happened to me, but I don't feel like they're bad enough to justify such a heavy diagnosis (BPD) and I think I'm over them (at least consciously), so technically they shouldn't affect me anymore, right? My struggles lie in the present: not understanding people and not being able to express myself correctly (to keep it short) and social exhaustion.
I have stims, sensory issues, repetitive actions and obsessions, but I guess they're not severe and obvious enough to others to be taken seriously. I talked to someone about OCD once, but the answer was that we all do that sometimes. I don't think I have OCD though because it's not a 'if I don't do this, this will happen' kind of thing, but rather my brain trying to calm me in stressful situations by hyperfocusing on something (sometimes it results in the opposite though because it can be annoying).
About the tests: I actually took the AQ test multiple times over the course of maybe three years and always scored above 40 if I remember correctly. I also took the one that gives your ASD and NT score out of 200 a few months ago and scored pretty high and low on it. I can't remember my score unfortunately.
I hadn't heard of Samantha Craft before, but yes, that list basically describes me! It's scary.
I also found Tony Attwood's 'Could it be Asperger's?' (I think) on YouTube extremely helpful. I almost started crying when watching it and it gives me such a sense of relief, like finally someone understands me and manages to explain my feelings and struggles.

Hello Tara and welcome to Wrong Planet!

You'll find that many of us, myself included, have a great deal in common with you as we are all trying to figure out this Autistic world of ours. Many of us also have several different neuroses, as I'm sure you do as well, that make trying to figure our world out even more difficult.

I myself have, in addition to Asperger's Syndrome, obsessive compulsive disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder.

All of that adds up to quite a big mix as I'm sure you have one or more of the above-mentioned conditions. Much of my childhood was also a blur and many of my memories are starting to come back to me too as my childhood was filled with a great deal of fear, hatred and anger.

Stick around on these forums and you'll find that your life isn't as scary as you might think!

Glad to have you with us!

_________________
*** High Functioning Autism - Asperger's Syndrome ***

ADHD, OCD, and PTSD.

Keep calm and stim away.

Hey xatrix, thanks!
It's scary not to remember clearly. I often feel as if the stuff happened to another person and I only remember the big changes like facts, but that's about it.
I still find the world scary and confusing, but I'm hoping to have found a community here where I might be able to fit in without changing my personality. We'll see.

Welcome!

Well, I don't call myself "her", but I feel as though it happened to a different person. Also I remember most things as facts rather than emotional. (sorry, if I said that before)

Also, my first autism-related appointment went well. The lady said she definitely recommends further assessment as it could be possible that I have Asperger's. She will help me find a place that can diagnose me and also refer me to other aids (like someone who helps me with day to day life and routine) and she'll also look into options for apprenticeships/work or getting a higher school certificate that allows me to go to uni.
Haha, she also offered me to find me a friend (another autistic girl) which is a bit embarrassing, but also cool because I have very few social contacts and don't actually know anyone with autism.
I hope I don't have to wait until the end of the year to move things forward. The waiting lists - especially for autism - are horrendous here.

How do you guys deal with patience?

I'm very much a now-or-never-person. Although it strongly depends on how important and interesting things are. The worst part is the worry though.

Yes, it makes sense!

Mh, I haven't actively learned those yet, but I suppose I can pull them off at times. It's hard though. Lol, I wish I had someone who could explain the world to me and teach me the qualities needed to pursue a happy life in this world.