life is a nightmare

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I don't understand why I keep getting up and going to work. I hate it. I hate every day of my life. Every day feels like the same day. People don't like me. I don't like me. I anethisize myself with whatever entertainment I can find enjoyable whenever I can, but sometimes you just sit there and have to suffer through a bad depressive episode.

I hate that petty problems that I would like to be strong enough to just blow off, trigger such strong, negative emotions in me. I hate that I don't have a likeable personality. I hate that even though I want a relationship, I also can't stand most people. I hate that I'm so sensitive to sound and light. I hate that I'm posting here as it strikes me as unhelpful to me as it is to you the person reading this. I'm sorry person reading this. There I feel a little better now. (but only a little-ish)

No need to be sorry, venting from time to time is nice! When i was working i also hated myself and was very negative. What makes you think you're unlikable? Just because people don't like you doesn't make you objectively unlikable.

Well, to me its like art. Let's say there is a movie with a sub 20% rating on imdb or rotten tomatoes. True, taste in entertainment is subjective, but there can be a high rate of consensus that something sucks. In this analogy I am that movie. People mostly seem to be either hostile or indifferent to me, even when I try to put myself out there in my own awkward way. I also catch myself criticizing people's beliefs, being patronizing, disagreeing with people quite frequently. And I don't know that that is very likeable behavior.

When I try to connect with people I like from my past, it is almost always one sided. They never contact me. I contact them.

Hmm i kind of see what you mean. I also sometimes think i don't have a pretty soul or something. But then i think that's not my problem, since i didn't create this ugly thing. And i stop feeling responsible. I think maybe you can try the same. It's not like you're the artist who paints the art piece so why is it the painting's fault? Also some of the things you say can change.Even being aware of your faults is a step.For example if you disagree with something again, you can simply not say anything if it isn't helpful. Monitoring and changing your behavior is very much possible.