He's gone-

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Hi - I am a mum of 4. Aran age13 has just recently got his diagnosis of ASD. Fine.

But I can't let go. I had a child that one could not tell apart from all the other kids (as his school teachers said)- he was making eye contact, smiling, talking- presenting as NORMAL....everyone who knew him is in shock..it looks like he has had a nervous breakdown.

My child that I had is gone. It is like one of those horror movies where his body is here but someone else is it it.

I am in such a fierce grief, that it stuns me. I cannot let go of my child that I knew for 12 years. We knew eachother to the core. Where is he. I am supposed to bury my child but without a body or a funeral. I do not recogonise him. How do I let go of my child.....please someone tell me. I don't know how to.

Did his personality suddenly change overnight? Did he suffer head trauma that changed who he was?

Or did you finally have to face the reality of having raised an autistic child?

He's still the same person. He's still there. It's your impression of him that's gone.

Love him. He is your son.

I'm sorry you're going through your grief.

Sometimes, it should be noted, the prognosis for people with autism isn't as grim as what is painted in the media. Many autistic people succeed in life.

If you feel like it, could you tell us about your son?

Thanks very much.

Welcome Justine.

I am sorry to hear how devastated you feel. It is not unusual that a child's autism diagnosis is an extreme shock to parents, especially if autistic behaviours seem to have suddenly appeared out of nowhere.

The main point that I would like to make is this. Autism is a life-long condition; it may not have been apparent before, but it was certainly there - beneath any autistic behaviours, your son is the same person he was before, no matter how the shock of his diagnosis or his current behaviour might make it seem otherwise.

When we grow up with autism, we have no way to know why the people around us behave the way that they do, and no way to know that what goes on in other people's minds is different to ourselves. So we do the best we can by copying the behaviour we see around us without really knowing why that behaviour is expected. This takes an awful lot of brain power, and sometimes there comes a point where we simply can't manage the amount of effort required any more. This reveals the autistic traits that have been lying unseen beneath the surface. It is not uncommon that this happens during the early teen years as there are many changes to cope with at that age, not least the onset of puberty.

I think that you have done the right thing by coming to a community like this one seeking help. There are people here and on other similar sites who have been through what you are experiencing now. You are not alone in this.

You might want to find out if something traumatic happened to him. Did you make it clear to the person diagnosing him that, that was not how he was before? Maybe ask the teachers see if something happened at school...maybe some other kids did something really nasty to bully him. Have you asked him if anything happened, since the change occurred?

Your focus should not be letting go of your child, but helping him...try to get to the bottom of this and help him. If something bad did happen to him he might need some therapy or something. That just sounds an awfully lot like how someone might act after having something traumatic or devastating happen to them.

I mean it would be extremely abnormal for a person with ASD not to develop symptoms of it until they are 13. But another possibility is the symptoms have only became more apparent now...maybe he was able to fake it when he was younger and now he can't. Perhaps other kids started noticing he was different and are ostracizing him....and he's depressed about it.

Have you talked to him about what is going on at school, how he feels...or talked with him about the diagnoses? Or is he likely wondering what you're grieving about hoping he didn't do something wrong to upset you? Basically the WORST thing to do is treat him like he's not there anymore.

I don't understand. Why do you need to let go of him?

How does he feel about the diagnosis?

Any time now someone will chime in with a more direct autistic perspective on this - most of us here are autistic, hence we tend to view this sort of situation from the perspective of the child. We tend to be pragmatic about things, which can sometimes grate on the nerves of someone in a crisis.

I did eye contact, talking, laughing.....still autistic, though. Did quite well in school. It may be that autism isn't what you think it is. Btw, are we not supposed to laugh? I never heard that one before.

I understand that this has been a shock to you, but I think he might need you now. If this comes as a surprise to you, it may be that he's been trying extremely hard to be like his siblings, and that he is now exhausted and in crisis. He might really need a bit of patience and understanding from people around him.

I have not "come out" to any of my family or friends about my diagnosis -- I paid in cash, and the college psych profs use a number for my file instead of my name.

I'd hate to think that my wife would go into mourning because she would believe that she had "lost" me. I mean, here I am! I'm not dead yet! I'm still the same loveable, furry old Fnord that she fell in love with!

Would a diagnosis that explains my behavior drive her to put on widow's weeds and "go a'wailin' in the boneyard?"

I can't take that risk. People already treat me differently for having had a heart attack, and that didn't change who I am, either!

I am sorry for the delay in getting back to you all.Thank you - each and every one of you for taking the time to reach me and help me. I know it sounds awful but it is like his mind shattered and I see very very little trace of my son. It was last Summer when he suddenly took severe risks with his life and doing odd things that clearly were not like him. I am not being dramatic or silly when I say that I no longer have my son. I have worked with autistic children in my career and know a fair bit - but this feels like something different. I am able to accept ASD- but not when I cannot feel my son's old presence any more. I am speaking frankly with with you as I have not really broached my feelings too strongly with the specialist. I thought she would think that here is a mother who refuses to accept his diagnosis. I do love my son. I also mourn him. Is there a chance he will return to himself? He was a very sick baby- in severe pain with undiagnosed lactose intolerance and dairy aleregy. So waking screaming for the first 10 months of his life. Then became a severe asthmatic- hospital ambulances etc. He was the youngest of 3 boys under 3. More reserved than his older brothers but bright eyed, busy, lively, not ever a hint of anything to keep an eye on. All teacher reports good. When he was 11, his best friend moved away. He had a terribly mean teacher who treated him unjustly for 2 solid years. I never knew. Aran never said a thing to us. Parents eventually came and told me but it was too late. He failed his transition to secondary school - lasted 3 weeks and asked to go back to primary school. By now the school teacher had left. His first day of secondary school was not so great as he got on the wrong bus which took him to a completely different direction to a place he did not know. He got the red bus.....as told, but the label on the window was green. So a mistake easily done. The last 2 years were tough. I don't know of anything traumatic (over and above the mentioned) that happened. I have wondered and searched for answers. So should I accept the diagnosis. I am not a coward but actually a determined purely loving mother. I know he is gone somewhere else. I just don't know where and how to get him home. Please do not think I am anti ASD. I know mankind would still be in the cave without the individualism of autism. I know the brilliance an brutality it can be too. I would rather slap myself than bring any kind of disrespect to any one here on this forum. I am sorry if my post ruffled anyone. Not my intention at all.

Hi Fnord, I doubt your wife would leave you.....you managed to make me smile while ticking me off!! ! So you are clearly with it and some!
Aran is not making sense when he is talking. His thoughts are all over the place. He cannot hold a conversation in any normal way anymore. His thought patterns are bizarre and disjointed. I am not alone in noting all this. Close friends of the family and even his best friend who moved away, is stunned by his change. So , just to be clear, I don't want anyone to disrespect my mothering of my son. I can promise that I have been as good and giving a mother as I could and can be. I will continue to LOVE Aran. I have the right to mourn the child I had. He was bright eyed and had insight and could engage well and was present to us. He is not present now. Please let's be kind to eachother. I came here speaking truthfully and in pain. I think Fnord that your wife will probably know all about you and a label doesn't alter that. You were/are functioning in life......enough to catch what sounds like a lovely wife. I wish that for Aran too. So very much.

I'm thinking you should get a second opinion.

This doesn't sound like "autism" to me, somehow. It seems more like some sort of other mental illness.

Obviously, I can only speculate. And not really speculate that well. I can't make any sort of conclusive anything----but I would try to go somewhere very credible, and get a second opinion.

The treatments and intervention for autism and for other mental illnesses like schizophrenia are different.

This doesn't mean I think he might be schizophrenic.

Sudden change of personality doesn't tally with autism, but it does tally with onset of adolescence.
And I can see it might be difficult for a kid to be dealing with becoming a teenager at the same time as discovering he has Aspergers, with all the excruciating self-awareness that can entail. Sort of a double whammy.
He's dealing with a lot, I hope you can support him through this.

That's really a good point, Ms. Peel. Should have actually thought of that!

Kids do frequently change in adolescence. Parents often think that they have "lost" their sweet innocent child at this point. "Normal" adolescent kids can seem like they are "possessed," as compared to their childhood selves. Parents often report that they "want their [kids] back" at this point.

He is still there.
He is still your son.
He isn't dead.
So don't bother grieving, it makes it much worse on him.
He is probably regressing do to burnout- he is just over his capacity, and at thirteen just starting puberty which comes with major changes for everyone.
If the diagnoses is wrong like many here suspect, none of this changes.