RE: Aspie men and the chase

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Hi All,

I wanted to know a couple of things from a male aspies point of view please.

When starting a new relationship was you full on with texting, emails, calls, video calls etc ? Then when you have the lady you wanted almost turn the other way? My aspie chased me so much in the beginning I felt like a special interest it was intense. We have been dating over a year now and it seems to have gone the other way completely.

He has lots of women friends which I found hard to deal with at first, though read somewhere that aspie men get on better with women. He’s been on citralopram for 9 months I noticed the change in contact around this time plus he was going through redundancy so lots going on etc.

I also noticed it’s been 4 weeks since I have seen him though he calls me every morning and evening. I give him space etc as he’s had lots going on. I mention it’s been 4 weeks and his surprised it’s been that long etc. How can I communicate to him that I would like to see him more though happy to give him his space etc.

Is it that he hid a lot of his Aspie ways at the beginning and now I have accepted him and love him for who he is he has got more comfortable etc? And is showing me the more relaxed Aspie ways ? Also is it usual for an Aspie men to be disinterested in sex from time to time?

I do try to understand what the bigger picture is however sometimes I do struggle. I love him very much for the person he is and for his quirks his a truly awesome person I am just trying to adjust to his ways etc.

So Aspie men can you give me your opinion on this I would be so grateful.

Many thanks

there was no chase with mine. He seemed disinterested right from the start. We have been married 7 years and yet he is so detached. I decided to divorce him. I waited 7 years thinking he’ll come around but he’s just weird and unaffectuonate.

I am also wondering abt the sex part. It is very weird and not anything like I had with NTs. It was ok at the beginning and then it was just twice an yr thing after that which both of us don’t enjoy now.

What about it? It's on TV.

Aspies play a lot of video games and watch a lot of shows that will warp their perception of the buildup to a relationship.
But very rarely anything that deals with the monogamy and hardship of resolving disputes in those relationships.

As such, the thrill of the chase is the game, the relationship is the objective.
And with games, once you complete objectives, you seek a new challenge.

Is it normal for an Aspie to not want sex, not listen to issues in the relationship, miss understand how someone is putting something across to them. When I am unhappy with something I talk in the same relaxed tone throughout and he said he likes the fact I don’t shout at him. Personally I don’t see the point in shouting as it accomplishes nothing. I have read that aspies put relationships last after the first initial golden period where they chase and chase etc is this true? Also will an Aspie try to push boundaries in the bedroom is that normal ?

It is normal for people to do all of these things.People tend to put relationships last, especially once they've achieved what they wanted from the relationship, such as children -- almost every married man I know has told me that their wives treat their relationships more like a duty or an imposition once the kids were born. Some people marry into money, and then practically ignore their spouses once they get their hands on their "share" of the wealth.It is normal for people to want novelty "in the bedroom", especially once the honeymoon phase is over.

Look, we Aspies are people. We're not some new breed of human-like creature that is anatomically compatible with humans. Stop looking at us like we're aliens or something.

Are we pets or shirts? "My" Aspie?

You want someone to control rather than a real person. I wouldn't want that.

Sorry if my message came across like I was insinuating aspies are some sort of alien. I don’t see it like that at all I am not so knowledgable of things just trying not to be ignorant and understand my man. I love him for him just want better understanding etc please don’t take offence it wasn’t meant that way.

Why the need to understand? We're people. You can talk and listen but at the end of it all...

One thing you can be certain of is that we aspies can be very touchy about being treated as anything other than people. For many of us, being marginalized, and even abused, by 'normals' has led us to taking even the hint of more of the same in a very negative way.

The problem is the psych abusers not normal people.

I say that it's both, especially those 'normals' who pretend to have 'psych' knowledge, and who use what little knowledge they have to abuse others or to give ad hoc diagnoses that are simply not valid.

[derail=topic]

Case in point: A teacher tells her principal that a boy in her class has a morbid obsession with death because he draws everything in black crayon. The principal calls in the school nurse, who can't get the kid to talk. The nurse calls in the parents, who are shocked and horrified to learn that their child is a potential sociopath. The parents call in a psychologist who sits down with the kid and asks him to draw a picture. The kid takes out his crayons, and the psychologist sees that the kid has only black crayons in his crayon box, and he asks the kid why. The kid looks up, all teary-eyed, and tells everyone there that the reason he draws everything only in black crayon is because his classmates have stolen all of his other crayons and threatened to beat him up if he 'squealed' on them.

The teacher, the principal, the school nurse, and the parents all over-reached their qualifications by assuming to know enough about psychology to condemn a bullied child to electroshock treatments at a mental institution, simply because (unlike the psychologist) not one of them bothered to ask the kid what the real problem was.

Would you care to make a guess as to who that kid was?

[/derail]

We are all different and that’s what makes us all unique though we carry our own set of traits etc. It’s like being in a relationship with someone who speaks a different language, you want to learn their language to be able to communicate without it being a big row or without it coming across wrong etc. NT’s are different to Aspies we are all miss understood it would be nice to build that bridge of misunderstandings and to be able to communicate with the ones we love etc. Your right some people want to control, manipulate etc however that doesn’t make for a healthy, or particularly happy life. We should all be able to voice our oppositions without being judged or bullied etc.

Says who?

Granted, bullying is a horrible thing to do, but judgement? C'mon! Really?

Let's take the subjects of grammar, spelling, and punctuation, for example. If you were an employer, which of two otherwise identical candidates would you hire: the one who uses proper verb tense and pronouns, who understands the difference between homonyms (i.e., their, there, they're, et cetera), and who uses the Oxford comma, or the one who practices none of these things?

As an employer, I would call in the candidate who knows how to write, because: (1) He or she cares enough to communicate clearly, (2) He or she understands the basic rules of communication, and (3) He or she probably has a greater awareness of what he or she is writing about.

Thus, judgement IS important, and I would judge sloppy grammar, improper punctuation, and poor spelling as the products of someone who may not know what he or she is talking about, and then I'd offer the other person the job -- all else being equal, of course.

Doesn't that make more sense to you than "Judge not..."?

Last edited by Fnord on 10 Jul 2018, 9:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

What do you want?

Hello NatalieHI.

Some of the things you said about your boyfriend strike me more as neurotypical behaviour but since he's into meds, I assume that these are working somehow and could be changing his attitude. Also, I am assuming that he's been officially diagnosed.

It's not because your partner is an aspie that he will behave in a completely different, even opposite way than other males. He's still male and human. The things you said there apply to any person and relationship going for some time, neurotypicals and aspies alike. In the beginning, every relationship is hot text messages by the minute, smiles that last all day, sex every night, random surprises and lorry loads of cute gifts. As time goes by these things tend to wane from either end, be it the man or the woman (or maybe both), what doesn't mean that the relationship is over. I know I'm not saying anything new here but since you asked, here it is.

Have you talked to him? What did he say? Do you believe him? That's all it should be to that. You seem very insecure about your relationship now. You're talking of other women and everything. Focusing on that will do you no good. Anyway, it's no use to stay with someone you don't believe in, you'll only be torturing yourself.



Myself, I'm not feeling particularly offended by the words "my aspie". Came across like a way to keep the sentence short rather than, say, "my boyfriend, who happens to have Asperger's and that's why I'm in this forum". Anyway, I think you should avoid that because these days, some people feel offended by the slightest things. They see problems everywhere. For one, there are people who have read your post but instead of offering any suitable advice, they replied just to throw flames on that exact short excerpt and disregarded everything else important that you were writing.

Anyway, looking at how you wrote your post, I too get a brief (and maybe incorrect) feeling that you may be interested on him because you feel like you could "own" him somehow. If that's the case, maybe you're now seeing that in reality it's the other way around, it's the aspie who "owns" you, and that makes you feel unstable. Maybe that's unconscious, or not. Maybe you want so much someone you could have "only for yourself". Again, if that's the case, I don't think that's healthy for you.

As usual, I'm here trying to help but I have very little clue on what's it you're really looking for. How may we really help you? What is it that's really going on inside your head, specifically? Are you afraid that he will leave you for someone else? Are you afraid that you're not good enough for him? Are you afraid that his interest for you is starting to diminish? All these things? I'm assuming that you're insecure about your boyfriend leaving you because he's showing less interest on being present. If that's the case, I have some things to share but you'll have to bear in mind that not only I am a completely different person, my girlfriends also were completely different than you.

Anyway, hope this helps or else, maybe you could be a little more specific because I'm not sure that I understand what you want. Cheers.