"It doesn't effect me so I can't relate"?

Post Reply New Topic

I have a friend, and half the time I tell him anything he just shrugs and says I'm telling the wrong person. He says if it doesn't effect him, he can't relate, so there's no point in talking about it. Is this the kind of thing a real friend would say?

You don't have a friend, I'm afraid. A friend will care about what affects you because they care about you, and the things that affect you are a part of the package.

I'm sorry. If it helps any at all, and I know it doesn't really, you're better off finding these things out sooner rather than later.

Unfortunately, a lot of people in this world have that attitude. I think it is best steer clear of people who only care about things that effect them because their attitude is very selfish and they are not friend material.

Adam, you deserve better than that.

My friend is also my coworker. One of the guys I sit next to likes to play music really loud. I told my friend it was getting on my nerves and his response was "I can't hear it, so it's not effecting my work, so I can't relate. Sorry." He does that when we're talking about video games too. I play on PS4, he plays on Xbox, and if a game isn't available on his system he doesn't want to talk about it because he can't play it.

He may not be able to hear the specific music YOU can hear, but he certainly knows what it is like to be subjected to an obtrusive noise and how annoying it can be because literally everyone has had that experience.

Your coworker is being intentionally obtuse. Some people think that makes them appear "edgy." It doesn't, it just makes them look like an idiot.

Oh, this guy is just nasty. I'm sorry you're stuck working with him.

Unfortunately you'll find these types of people at work because as*holes have to make a living too. Not much you can do.

Is it possible that you talk "too much" about certain topics, and this is that person's way of ending unwanted conversation?

I'm not saying this is the case, but I wonder if it might be.

It would be nice if our friends and co-workers (and neighbors, and relatives) wanted to listen to the things that matter to us. But honestly, most of the time, they don't. That is the norm. So a good conversational style is to address things that actually DO affect them. Not always possible, but a useful habit nonetheless.

but... isn't this a bit one-sided? Why should Adam have to cater to their interests when he's never been shown any reciprocal courtesy?

I guess my feeling is that goodwill is only worth preserving where it actually exists, and this guy has pretty well proven that he ain't got none to spare for Adam.

Yeah, we have to work with crumb bums, I did for more than 30 years. But it's not our fault, or our responsibility, that they're crumb bums. That's their choice; they have agency.

We're not obligated to spackle over their crumb-bum-ness either (see: Chump Lady on emotional spackling).

It's possible to see nasty behavior as nasty and decide to be bottom-line-civil but nothing more. However, once you know you work with crumb bums, you really do need to watch your back, because they're crumb bums, and they're going to act like crumb bums. It's what they do.

Don't expect any reciprocal support of any kind from them, and try to avoid being drafted to help them professionally, if you possibly can. These are the people who will try to stick you with all their work while they take cruises every two months, but will then refuse to take on any of your work when you need lifesaving emergency surgery. Trust me on this, I've seen it happen to people. (And most bosses are so gutless that they just stand there and watch the decent folks drown. Trust me on that one, too.)

(You don't have to hate them, you don't have to undermine them, but you probably do need to admit they're there, and they're what they are. For your own well being.)

*shrug* speaking purely from my own personal perspective, I don't care to be an irritant to other people. If they repeatedly tell me something doesn't affect them so they can't relate, I stop talking to them about stuff that's going on with me. This is called "taking a hint." I get annoyed, myself, when people can't take MY hints, so I don't want to be annoyance to others.

I did "okay" (not great) in my career by minding my p's and q's and not stepping in to help others with their work, for the most part, and not expecting them to do mine. At my last job, I did have one good buddy and we would cover each other, but the third person in our small work group NEVER offered to help out, or even participate in assigned team work.... and I made sure our boss heard about it.

I don't talk about myself to others at work. I sure don't want to yammer on about anything. Most of their doesn't interest me either although to be polite I display a moderate amount of interest. Enough to seem polite but not enough for anyone to think I'm aiming to be anyone's bff.

His phrase sounds like something a stereotyped Aspie might say since we're supposed to lack empathy. It sounds like that guy lacks it too.

^ funny isn't it... we're supposed to lack that, but most people here have it in abundance! Stuff gets in the way sometimes, but it's still there and it eventually shines through.

I agree. Autistic people are a great deal more empathetic than most NTs.

He's being honest in that he can't relate, which isn't horrible, but he's being a jerk in saying there is no point in talking about it. Perhaps he does not understand that sometimes people just need someone to listen.