Advice on helping my son with mild traits

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I'm here looking for advice about my 5 year old. I had an aspergers diagnosis when I was a child, and while I recognise a few mild traits in my son he would fall far short of getting a diagnosis. He's doing okay in school and has started to form friendships so it's not that I'm worried about him. But as a parent I still want to help him overcome any traits which may otherwise cause him problems later.

He can be very shy and reserved until he gets comfortable with people, which can take a long time especially with adults. He is often quite consumed with his own thoughts, which takes his attention away from the task at hand. This can make him seem somewhat unresponsive at times, and can also make him a bit slow to react to things both physically and mentally. He's good at maths but the teacher wasn't able to give him a mark that reflects his ability, simply because he couldn't explain to her what he knows. It can be hard to get a simple and direct answer to a question from him because he will be thinking about it in his own way, during which time he will go quiet and be unable to absorb any new hints or clarifications. Then once he's come up with an answer he might have trouble finding his voice to speak it aloud.

I think much of his difficulty comes down to being sensitive. I think he feels himself, the world and other people so keenly that he needs to take his time and process new developments slowly.

He's only just turned 5, and again I know there shouldn't be anything too alarming about any of this. But I also know that early intervention can make a big difference and could potentially make his time at school a lot more productive and enjoyable. I am a firm believer in the plasticity of the brain, having throughout my life discovered many activities that greatly improved every single aspergers related problem I had. However most of these activities were discovered as a teenager or adult and required me to work hard on them. What I need now are some simple, fun activities that could gently help my son improve his concentration, responsiveness and confidence, and perhaps reduce his high level of sensitivity so that he is not so easily overwhelmed.

Any ideas would be appreciated. Ball games? Quick-reaction games like Snap? Music? Massage? More one on one engagement? More social time with other kids? What activities do you think would help him improve the issues described above?

Many thanks for your answers!

Overcome traits or overcome problems? That's, I think, the little philosophical question that should be asked first.

Next - you mentioned you discovered a lot of activities that helped yourself. Care to share? We could think of how to fit them to 5yo or if it is indeed a good idea.

My general advice: whatever he likes, whatever he is good at. He is starting to have some friends. Great! He doesn't need hordes of minions, a friend or two would be just perfect. If he is sensitive, you can't force him not to be. A rythm of intensity (social life or other activities) and quiet rest may help. A sensitive person can't bear being pushed all the time but can do a lot when they can rest sufficiently.

I recently discovered I had Aspergers. So I put my thoughts down in a short book. I discussed in this book,approaches for helping Aspies overcome problems. Here is a link to The Aspie Code
I hope it is of help.

Thanks for your advice!

I actually meant to say problems rather than traits. Still, I believe that children are constantly being shaped and formed by their experiences and activities. If the same child could magically be adopted simultaneously by 2 different families in 2 different parts of the world, I believe they would grow into 2 adults with more differences than similarities. I think trying to shape a child in a more conscious way is fine, as long as it doesn't become forced or stressful.


One of these things was ball games - improving my coordination also seemed to improve other seemingly unrelated problems I'd been having, although my son is more coordinated than I was. It might be quite tricky to find an equivalent for a 5 year old with many of the other things, if it's even appropriate. They included practice in actively listening to another person's issues with eye contact, without giving advice and instead focusing on what the other person is feeling. I'm also not sure whether or not my son will even have a problem empathising with others. So far he seems very considerate, plus I tried the Sally-Anne test on him and he demonstrated theory of mind. Meditation and mindfulness helped me improve my concentration greatly, and also to engage better with people and the world around me and to get less stuck in my own thoughts. These things might be worth a shot if I can find meditation/mindfulness aimed at kids and he happens to enjoy it. I expect the chances of that might be better when he's a bit older. The other things that helped me are way too controversial to even consider, and would distract from my main question.



I really like your advice about needing a rhythm of activities and sufficient rest, and I'll try to keep it in my mind. I've definitely observed that he does not respond well to pressure. He also enjoys quiet play time by himself, which I think is a form of rest for him. We certainly try to encourage him in the things he enjoys.

I absolutely agree that having a couple of friends is just fine. I'm not worried about that side of things. Except perhaps for a vague concern that he might be an easy target for bullying when he gets older if he remains shy and withdrawn. Still, he has a very self-confident older brother who could stand up for him.

As for the idea of helping someone be less sensitive... perhaps it's not realistic and I certainly wouldn't want to do it in any kind of forceful way. I only really started thinking along those lines after a conversation with a mum who's also a scientist interested in such things. She tells me her son was very slow to develop when he was very young due to hypersensitivity. She thinks she managed to reduce this by giving him regular massages while gradually introducing new textures to trail over his skin and letting him get used to them. I also think that as a teenager and adult, some of the things that helped me did so by acting as a kind of exposure therapy, getting me gradually used to eye contact, touch and general rapport with others. This also perhaps relates to what happened when we took him camping. There were lots of other kids and activities and he was shy and clingy for quite a while. But by the end he was really coming out of his shell and joining in with everything. After that he had a big confidence boost in school and started engaging with his teachers much more - they made sure to tell us all about it!

Parents have the right to raise their children as they see fit.

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While reading your message, this puzzle problem went through my mind:

https://mindyourdecisions.com/blog/2016/03/20/the-seemingly-impossible-escape-sunday-puzzle/

A game theory puzzle? You might wonder why.

See, autism has been out there for 75 years (since the 1943 paper of Leo Kanner). So, the first question anyone should ask is: how much do other people already know? Second question should be: using what they know, have those people (parents, doctors, educators, researchers, etc.) been successful? Third question should be: if they have been successful, where would all that success be documented? Would it be reasonable to assume that information would be widely available, given that so many people ask about it?

See, in the game theory problem, the two prisoners never talk to each other. But, somehow, they know exactly what each other is thinking. And they manage to work together (never exchanging information directly, once) and free up themselves. What's the moral of the story? The moral of the story is: because we know other people also have access to information and are also thinkers, we can cut to the chase and figure out the consequences, without even having to interact with the other people, at all.

So the questions from me to you are: are you sure you are not repeating the same mistake of millions of parents out there? Have you researched on whether those parents and their children are happy? Have you seen/heard of their happy stories?

- - -

Now, coming back to the two prisoner's impossible escape puzzle. How did I ever make this connection, when I read your message?

See, that's the difference between autistic people and normal people. Autistic people see things that no one else can see. When raised properly, they also solve problems that no one else can solve. Their brains are connected differently. They are more focused and don't get distracted by other things. At the same time, their brains can trigger all sorts of non-trivial connections to find unusual analogies.

Believe it or not, your son is no different, from me. You see him as non-responsive, slow to react, not able to provide explanations easily. But what you don't see is: his brain is busy thinking about other things, looking at other aspects.

Mother Nature made him that way. Mother Nature does not make mistakes. Not at this level. You have to understand that your son's traits are intended by Mother Nature, to a large degree. Those traits are there, for a purpose.

- - -

Autism, and underdevelopment, are two totally different issues.

The thing that worries me is, people out there don't know how to raise autistic children.

Case in point: both of my children were non-verbal, non-social, when they were younger. I, unlike other parents with children on the spectrum, never placed much emphasis on developing my children's verbal or social skills. When my children were younger, I simply drew pictures for them, taught them to read (from 2 years old ... before they were 3 years old, both of them were already able to read books ... despite being non-verbal.) Other parents sent their children to speech therapy, social skills training, behavioral therapy, etc. Some 6 to 8 years later, do you know what happened? My children are verbal, and much more social than their autistic peers. Most importantly, my children are smart and happy, smiling every day. They are in regular mainstream public schools. Do you want to know what happened to the other autistic children?

- - -

See, those parents that placed so much emphasis on speech therapy for their children, actually ended up with non-verbal children. Those parents that placed so much emphasis on developing their children's social skills, ended up with children that didn't even make eye contact. Those parents that placed so much emphasis on behavioral correction, ended up with violent children. Have you paused to think why that has been the case? How much more counter-intuitive can all this be?

I never thought for one second that my children are defective. To me, they are just different. They have a different timeline. Sure, neurotypical children are ahead of my children in certain areas, but my children learned to read at age 2, and my son wrote his first computer program at age 5. See what I mean? I am not going to turn my children's lives upside-down just to please other people out there, especially when those people have no clue about autistic children, whatsoever.

There is something very universal to how to raise autistic children: you develop them from their interests. Also, because their brains are wired differently, they follow a path of development that is different from their neurotypical peers. You need to be aware of that. So, if you see your child behind in certain aspects (slow to respond, distracted, lack of social skills), perhaps it's best not to pay attention to those issues. Those are not the important issues[*]. Do you really think that those other parents I mentioned earlier failed because they are not as good as you are? Do you know what? They started exactly like you: they thought that they were better than other parents, and that they wouldn't fail if only they tried harder. Yet, they failed. That is why I brought up the two-prisoners' impossible escape puzzle: you've gotta be aware that other people are thinkers, too. What makes you think you are different?

I have seen all too many "autism warrior parents." Unfortunately, I haven't seen one single success story, out of all of them.

[*]The important issues are how to develop your children's brains. The autistic brain is like a leaf in a cold early morning: it has some large dewdrops on it. Those dewdrops are like magical energy sources that will allow your children to develop, but those dewdrops do not cover the entire leaf. If you keep pounding on those dry spots in your children's brains, they will not develop properly. Your job is to spread those dewdrops, from where they are, to other parts of your children's brains. Complete the logical thinking part of their brains first. You don't need to worry about their verbal or social development: those parts, your children can complete on their own. And frankly, while you are developing their logical thinking part, you are actually also developing their verbal and social parts.



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Develop your son from his interests. There is no substitute to that. You can develop all his skills from his interests.

I'll give you an example: elevators. My son likes to ride elevators. What would you do when your son likes something? Do you know what I have done? Take a look:

http://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=366234

Schools will come and go. Schools are just a transient phase to children's life. Life is much more than just schools.

Make your children strong first. Fully develop their brains. Instead of social skills, develop their presentation skills: let them talk about their interests. Everything else will come later: they will develop themselves, no need to worry. When you have a smart and confident child, everything else will fall into place.

You son just develops differently. And if you pay enough attention, he will guide you and show you the path to his development. He will show you the way. But you need to be an active participant. See, other parents would look at elevators just as something odd ... something curious. But they would stop there. And so their children would not develop. I instead got my hands busy. It's not just elevators ... your son surely has some different interests. When my son got into Venus flytraps, we bought him books on these plants, let him watch YouTube videos about these plants, and his school teacher asked him to draw pictures and write essays on Venus flytraps, etc.

Follow his interests, develop him. And please don't worry about those things that you worry. Because, you don't want to follow the same mistakes that so many other parents have already made. Trust me, I have seen enough. Those parents are not happy. Their children are not happy. There is no point in becoming another data point in the sad statistics.

It is not that you or your son needs to accommodate schools. It's the other way around. Schools are the ones that need to accommodate your son's development needs. Look at the larger picture: schools will come and go. Schools are not everything. Frankly, many of the most successful stories of autistic children come from families that do homeschooling. Besides, people are not always that evil. If you look at my case, you will see that most of the times I am extremely successful in working together with my children's teachers. Many teachers do have pride in what they do. You explain to them, and they will listen.

Last edited by eikonabridge on 17 Jul 2018, 11:57 pm, edited 8 times in total.

Thanks so much for sharing. One quick comment is: since you have spent quite some effort in writing it all up, you have a story to tell, and you have a message to convey. The whole story needs some sort of a punchline, or bearing, to thread it altogether. Could you present your punchline or bearing up front? A bit like the abstract in scientific papers ... You could make it suspenseful (open-ended) if necessary, but readers would appreciate your answering the "why" of your book. A bit like the “Why do I want a job?” question you mentioned in your book about your job interview.

More comments later, but probably privately. Very nice to meet a person like you in this forum.

Eikonabridge hi, thanks for your reply. I hear you when you say that children cannot be trained out of autism, and that parents who are "autism warriors" don't seem to end up helping their children.

Thinking about it, perhaps I didn't do an accurate enough job describing my son or my approach to parenting. I do understand very well how a lot of damage has been done when autism has been seen as nothing more than a set of symptoms to be "cured". I should also add that my son doesn't have a clear cut case of autism, only some odd traits which I recognise from my own childhood. He doesn't seem to have mind blindness or special interests. I said he was good at maths but that's only really because we've practiced at home - he's not hyper-logical. He has also been slowly becoming more engaged and confident, just not enough to reach the level that's generally expected by schools at his age.

I'm also not being pushy, clinical or anything like that. I'm just doing the kinds of things ordinary parents do, and only keep on doing anything if my kids are enjoying it. I was only hoping for a few suggestions on what kinds of fun parent and child activities might help develop particular neurological processes, which would help my son in the areas he still struggles - provided of course that he finds them enjoyable!

Nonetheless, I found your post interesting. It makes perfect sense that if a child is very focused on one special interest, that interest is probably the best way to reach them and help them develop. Nobody learns their best when they feel like they're being forced to do something they don't even like, because it's "important" for reasons they don't yet understand.

You say that your kids are doing well thanks to your allowing yourself to be guided by them and not the other way around. It sounds like you're a great parent to them. I'd like to add that my parents also did a great job raising me, and as such I feel like I do have some first hand knowledge of at least one kind of approach that can work.

But I can see how I might not have chosen the best place or the best way to ask my question.

Correct. Just like an Asian or Black person cannot be trained out of being Asian or Black. Just like a dog cannot be trained out of being a dog. That being said, autistic children can be developed ... underdevelopment has nothing to do with Autism. Albert Einstein, as bright as he may be, is underdeveloped in many areas. That's the problem of having to raise oneself.


That probably describes myself. The thing is, I've seen all too many cases. I have personally met with hundreds of families with children on the spectrum or near spectrum. Even here, you can find recent a thread where a child receive first a negative diagnosis, only to have it reverted to positive diagnosis many years later. See, many inexperienced clinical psychologists tend to give negative diagnosis, as if they were doing a favor to those families, preventing them from receiving a stigma. Those parents would then like breathe a big sigh of relief. Sometimes, at most a PDD-NOS (Pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified) is given. Sometimes psychologists just tell parents that there is nothing wrong with the child. But then, later you see these children having problems in schools, like having temper issues and becoming disruptive in classrooms. Even for children on the spectrum, parents tend to choose to hide the diagnosis: as if autism were something shameful. All what parents want is for their children to "blend in." To be part of the neurotypical "normal."


And I did not show particular special interests until 9 years old or so, according to my parents. I was verbal, social, made friends and played with other children. But we all know the more likely truth was my parents have missed early clues.


That is a matter of perspective. I often use the example of baby sea turtles. Baby sea turtles are born independent the moment they break out of their shells. They would start to crawl, run, jump into the ocean, start to swim, and fetch food for themselves. All on day one. Sure, if you compare human babies to sea turtle babies, human babies surely do struggle. Human babies don't become fully independent until 18 years old, as compared to the one single day of sea turtle babies. But, do you see human parents getting desperate on day two, because they see their human babies not able to walk, swim, or fetch food for themselves?

See, we only stopped spoon feeding our 10-year-old daughter this year. To everyone else in the world, particularly psychologists, ABA therapists, etc., they would all gasp at seeing/hearing our story, particularly because my daughter is so high-functioning that most people cannot even tell she is autistic. Did we even care about other people's opinion? We never did. Did we ever think that our daughter would never be able to feed herself if we didn't train her? Ha. Why do we need to train her if we knew that that was a skill that she would pick up on her own later? Haven't we just proved our point, since we no longer need to spoon feed her?

I know few parents can go through the same route we went through. Most parents get ashamed easily. Most parents succumb to peer pressure all too easily. Most parents get alarmed seeing their children being different from their peers.

See, there is this saying: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." I guess because I know who I am, and because I know who my children are, I've never needed to succumb to peer pressure from psychologists, therapists, school teachers, other parents, etc. I've learned that the day I entered my PhD program. Once you enter a PhD program, you are your own authority. There are no more authorities for you to look up to. You are an equal to everyone else in the world. So, nope, I've never felt I needed to fit in, blend in, anymore. When I hang around with autistic children in public places (e.g. shopping malls), if they spin, I spin. If they rock, I rock. I am not ashamed of being odd. I know who I am. (Sure, my neurotypical wife would just sit there ... ha ha. She would never dare to do the kind of things I do, in public.) That, is the confidence that I want to impart to my children. From young age I tell them, that their destiny is not to fit in, but to stand out. That their role in life is to be leaders, not followers. That's how I raise my children.

See, no one psychologist, therapist, school teacher, or other parent can possibly argue with me. Why? Because they all can see with their own eyes how happy my children are. I have a very strange way of raising my children. See, those people that would like to tell me how I should raise my children, they themselves have children with more problems, they themselves are not even happy.


This is the WrongPlanet, after all. Ha ha. There are many people here that are proud of who they are. Have you downloaded the book "The Aspie Code" of Jimmy M earlier in this thread? See, there is a picture of a dog, with this legend:

This is a dog. It is not a defective cat. It is very happy being a dog. It is loyal and intelligent. Just don’t abuse him or try to change him into a cat.

That, pretty much summarizes it all.

I think that exposing him more to activities he is good at and making him socialize with kids his age would improve his social and communication skills. Then, slowly introduce him to other activities where he shows less enthusiasm but is presented in a more interesting way. This way, he would learn how to communicate his newly acquired skills to others (kids and you), but in a more familiar setting since it's with children too. He'd be able to open up with adults in time, since he has learned how to form relationships with kids his age.

I think that exposing him more to activities he is good at and making him socialize with kids his age would improve his social and communication skills. Then, slowly introduce him to other activities where he shows less enthusiasm but is presented in a more interesting way. This way, he would learn how to communicate his newly acquired skills to others (kids and you), but in a more familiar setting since it's with children too. He'd be able to open up with adults in time, since he has learned how to form relationships with kids his age.

The thought I want to add to this thread is that his process may be due to processing issues, not sensitivity. It is quite common for ASD children to have either slow or hyper processing speed, which makes it appear that everything they do is at a very different pace from the rest of the world. Processing speed is NOT intelligence; a person can be brilliant AND have slow processing speed. It is the speed through which you experience and move through the world.

My son and I both have slow processing speed but more than make up for it by our ability to see connections and absorb data. Still, if you were behind me in the old days when a person might have taken a check book to pay for something, you would have been impatient. It just takes me longer to go through the steps of ordinary, every day tasks. I'm not doing more or less than anyone else; I just can't REACT that quickly. And it makes me HORRIBLE at reaction games, especially anything played with a ball. I've certainly tried, and some I've managed to enjoy, but I am not convinced that any amount of practice has ever managed to change my speed. I develop better workarounds and skills, but my actual processing speed never changes.

Processing speed was a component of my son's IQ tests, by the way, so if you have done any of that testing you can look to see if that could be an issue. IQ tests are a common way to help assess ASD children, because ASD children often have a large amount of scatter among the different components.

Many on the spectrum can also have issues with focusing in certain situations. It might be something that does not interest them, or it might be in a time and space where noise or other sensory stimuli are distracting the mind. Neither of my children can handle certain noises. They can't think or react in those situations. Both of them have developed routines for things like studying that maximize their ability to focus.

If you want to help your son through these minor issues, you will probably need to accurately identify the source. Although, the "work from your child's interests" advice ALWAYS helps. Pay attention to your child, and let his reactions guide your choices.

All good comments. But I wanted to address this part. To me, there are two distinct types of autism. One type is slow, 2D. Another type is fast/hyperactive, 3D. The two types actually match to the two types of artificial neural networks that we use nowadays to do deep learning in artificial intelligence:

https://www.ibm.com/developerworks/library/cc-machine-learning-deep-learning-architectures/index.html

One type is CNN (Convolutional Neural Network), which is used to synthesize "concepts":


Another type is the general RNN (recurrent neural network) family (including other subtypes like LSTM and sequence-to-sequence), which is used to capture "processes":


Autism means enhancement of contrasts. So it is interesting to see that in some autistic people, their "CNN" component is more accentuated, while in others, their "RNN" component is more prominent. Inside our brains, the "CNN" (concepts) and "RNN" (processes) components are intertwined, weaving the overall "Hamiltonian" (or "thinking machine") of our brains. In a sense, the "concepts" and "processes" components are like the Fourier Transforms of each other.



The representatives of these two types in famous physicists would be Richard Feynman vs. Albert Einstein. It's interesting to see that what make Feynman famous are his stick-figure diagrams (known today simply as "Feynman Diagrams"):



while what makes Einstein famous is his elevator (General Relativity):


The pro-picture type people are great lecturers and are good at explaining things. They are easier to communicate with. They serve as liaison between the neurotypical population and the pro-video population. However, if you ask me, personally I think the pro-video/hyperactive type people are the ones that truly achieve astonishing results. To me, they are smarter. They achieve things that I cannot possibly achieve.