Dating a workaholic

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I'm currently dating a workaholic. He sometimes cancels dates to finish all his work deliverables. He's such a sweet and loyal guy but I can't seem to shake off the feeling that I'm just his number two priority, next to his work. Am I just being clingy and selfish? Or do I have to do something about this?

Chances are it'll work out, that is if you're willing to accept that you're very unlikely to ever be his #1 priority. I'd say that's your only choice next to calling it quits.

I know a guy who got caught string multiple GFs along at the same time. He had the clever idea of dating girls with the same first name.

At least the guy is doing something which is economically viable....

rather than, like me, being sort of lazy.

A person who is able to fulfill his/her quota----is likely a more desirable person to date.

Is he NT or ND?

I've put my wife through the ringer since I'm a workaholic. I have not taken a vacation more than just a day or two here or there to make a 3+ day weekend in.....13 years. No one week off, no two weeks off. I run a business so I have the excuse that I'm chained to it 24/7.

I had a huge revelation recently that I have not shared with her in that I now believe a big reason I have not wanted to take an official vacation is that I really fear an upset to my routine and I have phobias.

I hate flying. I'm OK with being up in the air since I've made peace each time I've flown with the fact that even if it's a remote chance, the plane could go down, there'd be nothing I could do about it and I'd be dead. I was on a flight once where the turbulence was so bad that many of the people were crying and the flight attendants, strapped in their jump seats had genuine fear on their faces. At the start of it, a Bloody Mary flew from a flight attendant's hands and splashed like blood all over the wall and a window. That visual didn't help! Mostly though, I hate sensory overload inherent in an airport, security lines, etc. Now, the possibility of bedbugs in an airline seat??

I hate hotels. I'm chemically sensitive and fragrance sensitive. The cleaning chemicals they use in hotels makes my nose run and sometimes gives me a headache. Even with earplugs, the air conditioners keep me up and I get almost no sleep. Now, the possibility of bedbugs??

Boy, I sound like a barrel of fun, don't I?

I may be changing jobs soon in which I'd have guaranteed vacation and I would not be responsible for the health of the business when I'd be gone. Also, we're thinking about renting a camper or something and going somewhere. We'll see what happens. I know a vacation would be important to my wife and kids and so I'm really trying to be more mindful of that and work toward making things like that happen in our lives.

My Dad is/was a workaholic which is where I think I probably got it from. I'm convinced he has ADHD since he can almost never relax, nor can I rarely fully relax...

Last edited by Magna on 30 Jul 2018, 12:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

If I were a workaholic, I wouldn't be in the clerical bind I am in right now......

Why don't you randomly cancel a few dates with him and see how he rolls with it.

Frankly - knowing all I know in my old age - I probably would look for a different boyfriend. If you marry this guy, your life will be sapped of adventure and spontaneity, in favor of his need or desire to be wrapped up in work. While you can tolerate that for a while, after years and years it gets pretty old. It also cheats any children you may have.

The two of you are incompatible.

I actually see potential in the relationship.

"Sweetness" and "loyalty" are valued by many women. And is certainly valued by our OP.

This is a guy who finishes what he starts, which bodes well for his future prospects.

Of course, if his work continues to preclude him from being a good friend, lover, and father, then there could very well be problems.

The two of them should work on the "workaholic" aspect of him.

Because she can change him? Good luck.

Now....that wouldn't be good: trying to change someone.

I wouldn't advocate that at all.

I would advocate personal growth on the part of you two, though.

When I was first starting out, all my romantic relationships got shoved way behind my education and work.

Work is foundational to relationships. It affects how much someone CAN spend time with you and how well someone can show how much he loves you.

I get that often you might feel you could trade all the “stuff” for more time and intimacy. But at the same time this makes the relationship a lot less interesting and you’d grow to hate it. Depending on how old you are, how much he makes at work, what growth opportunities he has, he may or may not be able to sacrifice work effort and time for a relationship. You’ll want to be available as much as you REASONABLY can and be prepared to live more of your life together on HIS terms.

If it’s a problem, and it very well could be, I’d say quietly exit this thing.

What happened with me is I lost two jobs and walked out of a third. Over time I had three kids, taught piano in the evenings, and between church and piano lessons had 3 part-time jobs (church staff, non-credit instructor with a community college, and a piano studio at a local private school). Aside from that I’d get band gigs occasionally along with solo work. After my 3rd child I had to make some hard decisions. I’m down to only two part-time jobs, quit the community college, and not currently playing with a band, but still do the usual weddings, funerals, and private parties. I still compose and produce music, do volunteer work, and all-around just help people every chance I get. At one point I was a stay-at-home dad when things suddenly started picking up.

My point is things have to change once the babies show up. Once you know you aren’t going anywhere soon, it’s best to settle back and enjoy the ride for a while. That doesn’t mean slack off or not look for raises and promotions. It just means harder, longer work no longer really works to your advantage. You’re at a point at which you spend more time delegating and in quality control. You leave work at work and make more use of your time with your family.

If you get the impression that this isn’t going to change, it might be a good idea to get out of the relationship.

What you DON’T do is make this all about you. I’ve known a lot of guys who are the exact opposite. They’ll drop everything to go running home to wifey. That’s fine if it’s a matter of life or death. But “I’m looooooonely” or horny and making him pay for it if he DOESN’T immediately run home is just wrong. Are your expectations realistic and reasonable? Then you aren’t being clingy or annoying. So before you take this to the next level, be honest with yourself and make sure you really know him and, just as important, yourself.

Thank you for your comments. I really appreciate your opinions. I don't want to give up on him because when he's not working, he can be really sweet and caring. I already brought up my concern to him and some of his friends. One of them suggested that we should try couples counseling to see if it would work with us and help to manage our conflicts in work-life balance. He still hasn't given me his answer yet. But I feel that he's also leaning to the idea.

I don't know how serious your relationship is, but the idea of "couples counseling" would have made me uncomfortable back in my dating years if the relationship wasn't far enough along in my mind to warrant such a significant undertaking.

Ouch

His work is his #1 priority. Will he ever change and make you a priority? Maybe, maybe not. Will you be the one to change him...probably not.

I have been in relationships where I wasn't a priority. I dealt with it for awhile, but it eventually felt like I was just a toy that got tossed in the corner, and only played with, when they felt like it.

If you have a problem with it now, you will have a problem with it later, and it will only get worse, until he either changes, or you eventually get tired of it.

I would have a sincere and honest talk with him, and let him know what your concerns are, and if he might be willing to work with you on this. If he doesn't think it's a problem, or isn't willing to work with you, it might be time to let him go.