My Family Unit Is Toxic and Abusive *TRIGGER RANT*

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Hey guys, sorry I am coming on here with another rant and it is also ridiculously long and over detailed because I can't get my mind to shut up. Also I do not post much on here otherwise, but I just want people to know what my story is and that I feel like the most screwed up autistic female on the planet. I do not know why it all came to this.

As you may have read my past posts about how I was emotionally abused by my professors and isolated in university and have had problems with severe depression, drug use, suicide thoughts, reckless and self isolating behavior, and lacking severely in enrichment activities (sports and social activities in which I can make/keep friends in particular) and relationships. I also have a repeating cycle of attracting men from bad places who are abusive or unattractive to me who try to take advantage of my vulnerability at every chance, and also fail to keep any relationship. So-called relationships are only a few time meetup type encounters then the guy reveals his true colors to me. Sometimes after taking advantage sexually. I also have next to no real friends and people who were my friend in the past or could be my friend seem to ignore me and not want to talk to me.
My parents call me a vulnerable individual but they fail to admit that they abandoned me and also emotionally abused me and my brother. The issues with my parents and brother (who is violent because of the drugs he is on which my parents buy for him) are getting to the point where I am arguing with them daily and I am on the verge of taking my car (which I pay the insurance for and is in my name, I also have savings and an income to 'emancipate' my self with) and running away, travelling a little bit and seeing the states. Possibly finding somebody I know from the internet to stay with and transfer residence to another state. Far far away from Florida, where I was isolated and sheltered from the world and abused by the education system and the people closest to me...

As I may have mentioned in a past post, I live in my house with my aging parents and my older brother who is physically and verbally abusive and a drug addict. I am afraid I cannot relax at all anymore because I have woken up to a sickening reality. I believe I have been driven to mental illness (depression with psychotic features and thoughts disorder ie ranting) because my parents are toxic and abusive and abandoned me to be abused by even worse people (the university professor led bullying situation and also random guys who emotionally abused me badly and some raped/took advantage sexually). I hate to blame other people but the truth is the way my parents raised me and abandoned me into severe abuse situations like that has caused not only untreated PTSD (which they did not help me get therapy for when I cried for help constantly since that situation, and then blamed me for not taking interest in getting the therapy for it when I truly needed it. I believe they gaslighted and hot/colded me on my emotional needs and they do this for so many issues and needs I have) but also I am constantly failing to form and keep relationships and friendships due to all of this.

Particularly my mother is controlling and never trusted me or my brother as children as thriving self worthy individuals. My mother is a very anxious type A rigid/stressed personality and I believe the way she raised us made us unable to think for ourselves. Literally. That explains why I have had a hard time taking interest in wholesome activities since I was very small, and became very lost in my own thoughts and "special" interests, such as anime/manga, vidya games, drawing cartoons and gerbils, which led me to get teased outcasted and bullied by my peers. This on top of being put us on psych meds at a young age and I think that caused a lot of problems and me and my brother have been on these medications for a very long time and I believe these medications cause helplessness and spiritual destruction. I got off the meds 9 months ago and find my depression lifts when I am alone away from my family unit and meeting new people. It is now obvious to me that my mother particularly and my dad and brother are literally draining my energy every day and I am afraid that was the initial cause of my depression as a teenager, as well as having been on antidepressants before I was ever depressed. My parents also did not take us to do enrichment activities that would help us later, such as winter/spring break vacations (we never did anything), and they kind of just left us in front of the screen a lot without anything good to do or a way to meet other kids after school. It was not the case our entire life as they took us to church til about age 10, they also took my brother to baseball and karate, and took me to swimming and gymnastics when I was very little, but the dysfunction I believe started very early on from when they had my brother on Ritalin at age 6, and since then this has devolved into the current toxic co-dependent parasitic situation.
One example of this lack of helping your child be curious of the world is that we lived in Orlando and I never went to the beach in Florida until I was about 20 which I decided to do on my own. That was around the time my mother put me in a single dorm having a severe mental breakdown where my peers ignored my existance and I slept in the dorm alone almost the entire spring break and decided to go back "home" on the last day to see my gerbils and to the beach. That day my mother would not even go with me and my dad went and read a book away from the beach as I lay on the beach alone. After that, I didn't go to the beach until I quit my job 4 years later... Ironically now to try to make up for this, my parents built a lavish beach house which they guilt trip me for making them do for me. They told me they built the house for me and I should appreciate it but I do not enjoy living there as the people I am with stress me out especially due to my brother's abuse which has left me mentally scarred on top of the university flashbacks. I am very unhappy there because I am constantly lonely and just want to move out to live on my own. I also have thoughts of romantic longings to the point that I just wish I had a guy to just sleep with at night because I literally am in mental terror when I am alone in my room at times (I know that is co-dependent and also needy but I think humans biologically need a mate or companion of some kind in that way and to feel that I am kind of mentally almost incapable of that because of my condition and inability to find somebody compatible with me is also tormenting to me)...

Also, my mother has taken us to Michigan for several months on end each year since I was about 8 (I'm 28 now and I am here in MI with my mother, she dragged me here almost against my will without everything I needed and I am stuck here without my car in almost complete social isolation with nobody to talk to. The only folks I interact with around here are people at a church camp down the road that I wander around as an outcast. And I've also met some random guys fishing. One random guy I met trying to learn to fish almost tried to take advantage of me for money for a hotel. I just got gear my self recently, hoping I'd figure it out on google or find a nice person to show me how, that guy at my job told me I should find somebody to teach me to fish but I never did), Anyways, since that age we have spent the summers here with no disciplined activity. I had friends here who I'd wander around the park with, left me early on, when I was a teenager. Strangely also, there are 2 big hiking parks down the road from here which I didn't go to really til I was 19 or so, as well as the church camp having sport activities I'd like to try such as tennis and soccer but they do not have programs for adults and I do not know anyone to rent the sports with. I have literally nothing to do here with no friends here for the past 15 years and my mother has not helped me have any activities either. I am literally alone inside my head most of the days here and at the house and I can now understand why I broke down mentally since age 13 and the progression to my depression and suicidal tendencies. I was isolated from other kids for too long and not taught the right way to have activities that would enrich my mind and build character in order to attract good friends. I was set in front of a screen like I am now on drugs and my mind is half rotted...

Also there was a time while I was working a few years ago when i was desperately trying to get better and drove my self to church and to try to make friends there. I drove my self to work every day for over a year and also tried out a roller derby and hanging out with my friend from university. And I was also meeting guys from dating sites to try and find somebody to have a real relationship with. I was really trying to pull my life together at that time and also withdrew off the SSRI's and AP's I was put on again, then around the time I was dropped from that job and raped by a internet dating site guy, started having severe flashbacks to being isolated and abused in university. Then, my brother set fire to the condo my parents bought for him to live in, my depression got so severe that my brain was shutting down when I was trying to drive home from work. This is an example of how my parents did not even actively try to help me in my life until worse came to worse. And also evidently same for my brother (he has also raged at them in the past for abandoning and 'trapping' him there in that condo and I'm starting to see maybe it was justifiable rage). And the most they did for me after I quit that job was put me back on Prozac and antipsychotics which further has brain damaged me and caused me to not have any curiosity in anything except self isolating and staring at a computer screen.
This also happened in university when I was trying to volunteer at 2 places (ironically one was a horse stable for mentally disabled and emotionally abused kids. I even bought lessons at a stable near my university which I also drove myself to by myself, and like every thing in my life didn't keep up lessons with) and trying clubs and activities which I dropped out of and my parents did not play an active role. They also neglected to sign me up for disability or autism services or any services that would help me there socially or give me guidance or to let anybody there know that i was being abused. They neglected and abandoned me claiming I was an adult wanting independence. I told them they abandoned me and emotionally distanced by not asking me how I was doing and what was going on with me, and they flipped the story on me saying that I wanted to be on my own but why would I want to be on my own when i was falling apart at the seams from the professor abuse and drug overdoses. In fact I drove 120mph multiple times on the highway in my mom's van back to Orlando from uni and blew off the side mirror on a traffic cone. I road raged multiple times due to the harassment at uni. Another time I crashed the van on overdose ativan and told my mother I wanted to kill the professors and she still neglected to help me and hear my cries for help. I even told my classmates and nobody cared, and the police didn't even know how messed up I was... What is wrong with her? What is wrong with society? Why am I the mentally ill one when my cries for help and emotional needs are not being addressed by my own parents? It is no wonder I am attracted to older men...

At this point even though I want help desperately to get a social activity, I am arguing with my mother constantly every day here because I am angry that I feel she is a toxic influence on me now and that I have no independence here and I am angry that I have no way to meet people in a good setting. I am also angry at her for isolating me and not helping me thrive and develop friendships or have activities to do that would be theraputic to my autism, growing up. And also I am angry that I cannot get a real boyfriend despite being (or having been) a relatively attractive female who is capable of giving love to another....

......... I know I cannot blame my parents for all of this but it just feels that emancipating myself is the necessary next step. And I am afraid I will do it in a reckless way, such as driving really far away and meeting guys I have talked to from the internet. Because I just want to get away from it all and the advice 'you can't run from your problems' I think is bad advice because when certain other people being toxic to my development are my problem then I can run away from that and rebuild myself from the ground up. Despite the supposed disability I have. Travelling and the open road refreshes me and it's calling my name...



Sorry I went off on a tangent. It's just really messed up. When I was in the mental hospital 6 years ago I started to really realize how cold and uncaring my parents were truly, emotionally, to me. I do not know why I am still putting up with this? Because? I was put back on Prozac and antipsychotics again for 4 years until 9 months ago... And now the veil is lifting and I am realizing that maybe the way they raised me and my brother has caused some kind of severe emotional mental scarring which led to my self destruction?....

And it's just ironic that finally my depression is lifting and my spirit is coming back. I can feel it... The essence within me that animates me as a person, my personality, my feeling in my heart of having a soul and love from God and nature and also other people, my abilities and clarity of thought, and flow of thought (when I am not ranting in my head but can find a calmness, my thoughts are more playful, positive, goal directed and kind to myself) . When I can get away from my mother my mind clears and the weight lifts off my shoulders. I am sorry to say that.
And I am taking interest in outdoors activities and trying to meet people to have some interactions. I really just want to do something good in my life. I want to make art that has a great message to fight corruption I witnessed. All of this has to do with the New World Order and their agendas to pollute peoples mind and body with psych drugs and as much pollution and bad media, and as I've seen, corrupt education. And evidently the NWO is also destroying entire families with the drugs and systems they push. As well as spiritual messages that could bring people together to not allow what happened to me to happen to anybody, especially not somebody supposedly raised white middle class. That's just sad isn't it.

Am I crazy and delusional for feeling this way? I know my ranting is mentally ill, but I just know when I can get away from all this noise and past trauma my mind starts to clear and I gain clarity in what I need to do to become happy and have a real purpose..... I feel like my parents have me in mental/emotional chains, whatever has happened to me up until now is really holding me back from even having a chance at thriving...
Is that a delusional feeling? Like somebody is spiritually draining me? My own family is draining my spirit? The same way my abusers in university did...
And then, on the other hand I feel that actually being by myself now and meeting new people is bringing my spirit back and a calmness within me. This calmness gives me clarity to think of my survival at the present. And also, necessary next steps to get out of this situation that's depressing me, and have some goals and ideas for a better future.

But anyways, I'm sorry for this rant. I just need help really badly. I am afraid I might be sent to a mental hospital but I do not really feel that depressed, I just feel trapped in a toxic family which has caused my self doubt and depression. I do feel angry though, because I just want to find somebody to feel happy with and not drained and controlled. And I'm also angry at the amount of crap, neglect and meanness I've had to put up with by so many people.
My mother clearly has a parasitic and toxic controlling relationship with me, making me her constant companion and.... I really need a divorce. LOL .... I need to break free of this matrix somehow. I need to break free and get my own activities. I may end up joining some kind of highly disciplined group just to try to have somebody with good intentions help rebuild me as a person. Because I really don't want to devolve into some mentally ill deranged and disgruntled lady who could destroy my self or hurt other people because I do indeed feel completely neglected by my family, society and the system....I do not know why this all happened.... I feel like the most screwed up autistic female on the planet..... I just wanna.... Feel okay and happy again... And I just know how... My family is toxic and I have to find a new 'family' or at least one person who can protect me from all this crap.... If not maybe I should try to just be totally independent, but I do not want to get taken advantage of or killed due to my autism....Sigh.... I just want my own life... My own dreams.... Positive goals....Activities...Friends.... I just wanna be free

I don't know if any one will read this or have any advice about what I've ranted about, about my family's dysfunction, my clearly controlling dysfunctional parasitic/draining/abandoning type relationship with my mother, how to leave all this behind, what will I do to gain independence and peace of mind and get out of this situation asap.... Any advice necessary I need badly....I do not want to end up a mental patient for life because of all this... I just wanna be free... Thanks

Dont expect anyone to save you. I made the mistake once of thinking someone would save me. No one did. People are pretty much about themselves. The best thing you can do is learn how to become strong. Im not sure how you could do that but learn to depend on yourself. Its like the old saying goes " We are the ones we have been waiting for."

I didnt have time to read your whole post, so I dont know why your family is toxic or why you cant get away from them. But Im sure someone here will take the time to read it and give you some usefull advice. Good luck.

Thanks well tbh it's another crazy detail post I said too much but I just wish I knew a way to get strong inside and live independently. But I also just wish somebody in my life would have actually protected me from evil but they never did. And it makes me really sad and upset having this history with my family I just wish I knew somebody who would protect me and show me how to survive in this world... Everybody seems to come and go even people I wish I could keep in my life just seem to move on easily and forget me. And the only reason my family keeps me I think is for control and abuse. I guess I have to teach my self every thing from now on and discipline my self and find my own activities because my parents won't help me and proved that they didn't want to.... So I might join some kind of disciplined group like the Christian teen challenge or some kind of US military type program idk... Or maybe even some kind of communal place like a farmstay... But anyways my mother is right here in the same room and it's making me uncomfortable so I need to get out soon...

quick edit: I know people and the Bible says to respect and love your parents but when they f**k you up this bad and keep you locked in their house all your life I just can't take it anymore. I have to get away and survive in the real world and find happiness. I can't do that living with them... They wouldn't help me...

Your absolutely right. Getting involved in something is a positive step forward.
Maybe you can make some new friends to give advice about the bad parent thing.