"I want to be friends first"

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When a girl you meet on a dating site tells you "I want to be friends before we start dating" how often do you think that actually turns into actual dating? When I hear that, I hear "I'm not interested but I don't want to hurt your feelings, so I'm going to string you along until you either give up or lose interest." Meanwhile, they've probably already found someone else they do want to date. Which is fine, they don't have to date me if they don't want, but when they say that it usually means it's time to give up.

I see your point. However, I feel that if she didn't have any interest, she may have just said "I think we should just be friends."

I was told we should be friends by a girl I met online 1ce & who later got mad at me when I made a comment about trying to find someone. It didn't make any sense to me. We had an argument & quit being friends.

On dating sites, my impression has always been that that means one of two possibilities. One: "I'm not sure I even want a relationship (but I'm on a dating site)", and that pursuing her would be a two-tier process of her first deciding on the question of wanting a relationship at all, and second on whether or not she wants one with you in particular. Or two: "don't expect me to commit to a relationship with you, but please do commit to to the idea of a possible future relationship with me. Maybe.". Or, put more crassly: "act like we're dating, but don't expect sex.".

These are smoke-and-mirror games. It should be worded “friends first, maybe more” which depends on how the chemistry is working.

People who consistently end up on the winning side of dating are usually seeing other people. If there’s no commitment, a girl you just had lunch with doesn’t need to know you’re going out with someone on Saturday.

But if she FINDS OUT, the magic is gone and she loses the fantasy that it was all about her. Same thing with guys. She’s probably seeing someone else. Is that something you REALLY want to know about?

But then if you had lunch on Tuesday last week, and you meet again in Tuesday this week, and you weren’t really into that girl you met up with on Saturday, and you line up something this weekend with her—is the fact that you went out with someone else last weekend really important? Or are you REALLY interested in whether she spent the night with some other guy one time last week?

I say if you can GET a date with a girl, don’t question whether you’re just friends or something more. Just go with it. If there’s any question of her intentions at the end of the night, try holding her hand or kissing her. If she puts the brakes on, then you know where you stand for that night. Try to go out with her again next week and see if anything happens then. And if you meet someone nice in the meantime, take her to lunch one day. If you’re really interested in the first girl and she reciprocates, you’re going to stop asking other girls out.

I’m fine with “just friends” as long as I’m not alone for the entire weekend. I think that’s a better mindset than worrying too much about where the relationship is going. It’ll be obvious if it’s moving beyond that stage. In the meantime, see whoever you want.

To me, friends first means let's not rush into anything. It says "I'm cautious, but at least I'm sane."

I don't think it means there is no future. Agree with Fnord, the OP is reading way too much into it.

I've had a lot of women say they want to be friends first. Every single time, the ones I've stayed in contact with have announced that their dating someone else shortly after.

I think there's some talking past each other going on. I don't think anyone is saying "no, we're not going to be friends first, we're going straight to lovers!". Of course you talk initially, get to know each other, find out if you like each other and see if theres a connection that can develop over time, wether that time be weeks or months.
I didn't spend hours creating a detailed and intricate profile trying to explain who I am, what I want and who I'd like with me when I do so the site algorithm can present me with some quality potential matches, a few of which might pass a detailed inspection and warrant contacting just so I could send them "sup bb, u want sum f*k?"


By signing up to a dating site, you're putting the cards on the table. You're saying, "yes, I'd like to find a date". By putting emphasis on the "friends first"* thing, you're effectively saying "I'd like my cards to remain hidden.".



*which, in my experience, is much more common in profiles that are short on personal info, but heavy on pictures.

It usually means “You are not hot enough”. Period.

You're projecting, dude. I never said that. But then, that's all I expect from Fnord at this point. We're both on a dating site, which means we must both be looking for someone to date. If you want to meet a few times before deciding, that's fine. But if we go on a few dates and I ask if you want to be a couple, and you say "I just want to be friends first so we can get to know each other" I'm going to be a little irritated. We've BEEN getting to know each other when we went to lunch, went to the museum, went on that hike, got a coffee, and spent literally an entire month texting each other. How much more of me do you need to know? It feels like a stalling tactic, like she's waiting to see if she can catch someone better or will have to settle for me. Either that, or she's not interested but doesn't want to hurt my feelings.