Toxic people filter

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For most of my life, the people I've been friends with have been toxic. There's usually been something wrong with them (life problems, addiction, mental illness) that has lead me to "excuse" their toxic behaviour (eg. I can see this person is struggling I will be extra supportive). I would usually loose my other friends running around after these people as they jumped from crisis to crisis.

I had an epiphany a few years ago when someone I had supported for over a year, despite her deceitful and vengeful actions (she would always cry "my daughter is suicidal" whenever I confronted her for cruel behavior. As I do not have children I would excuse her actions) tried to destroy me (socially, professionally and academically) because she was "angry". Over the last couple of years I have cut out of my life every one who I have discovered to be toxic. The rule of thumb I use is if their behaviour is harmful and illegal.

I have a lot of acquaintances now (through work) but not friends. I'm happy with that because my experience of friends is not enjoyable.

What I have learnt is that there are behaviours that people watch out for that they will screen people out of their lives. This does not tend to be discussed openly. I think not everyone is consciously aware of it. It is, effectively, watching for a pin prick then judging an entire person on that.

I would care to hear other opinions on this topic.

well i guess i can pegged as toxic in this story. unstable psyche. when i see reality through several layers of flashbacks, there is not much to call human in me. just pain, that leaks on surrounding whatever. it makes people feel bad. when i am triggered, i can act way out of norms of polite. and the amount of triggers on me well, a bit exeeds average amount of hair on a head. so toxic, and toxic, i guess. some people quite accurately had compared talking to me with walking on a minefield. never know where it will blow. some people have gotten to the other side of that field. surveyed it. at least partially. helping to disarm it currently. getting some results. not hinting at anything. but. well. what if a toxic person has hope?

Oh this is a blessing because I have had a lot of toxic relationships in my life as well as well as faced a lot of rejection. Like you I have confronted people who toxic and have gotten nasty backlash many times. You can't reach people like that because they have such an issue of pride and are obviously too self-absorbed to see how they treat others.

I recently confronted a woman from a meet-up group who used me to let her little girl use my bathroom in my house when her roommate was dropping me off after a meetup and birthday party a couple of years ago. On that ride home, her little girl was doing things that all three of us were bothered by. Then I started correcting her too and her mommy became very hostile towards me which made the ride unpleasant. It made me mad because her little girl had to use to the bathroom really bad which she did not want her going into the house of a "Stranger" but I went along with it. After that, this woman, who was buddies with the leaders of that meetup and I got shut out along with being blocked on Facebook. It bothered me so much that I finally got a hold of her information and confronted her only to be accused of being a "Stalker" and that I am a "Liar" and "troublemaker." In fact, she unblocked me because she had the nerve to bring our drama into her Facebook feed which was really mean.

I also realized too that I don't think this woman is someone who I want to be friends with because she has a lot of problems of her own. Sadly, her roommate excuses her for her behavior. When she asked him to take her daughter into my house, he said not to worry about her and that she gets tired a night and snaps at everyone.

On the other hand...

There is some wisdom to the adage that one should "... keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer".

The origin of the quote is Machiavelli's "The Prince", which is the definitive primer on how to be a dictator.

The first part of the quotation means that you always want to keep your friends close to you because they are people you can trust and rely on.

The second part of this means that your enemies are always going to be out there seeking to harm you so you want to keep an extremely close eye on them, in order to make sure that they are not going to hurt you.

you can be friends with toxic people, but you need to be very aware of who they are.

i'm good friends with an alcoholic. i do not drive him places because he leaves open containers in my car and i do not loan him money because it goes to beer and i never see it again.

point being, you need restraint in yourself to not "be extra supportive" it is not your responsibility to fix everyone with a problem that you meet.

886,
Thank you for your insight because often when you are super supportive of someone like that, it gives them ammunition to take advantage of and manipulate you. On top of that, those are one-sided relationships where the person will come to you with their problems. Whereas when you are going through something, they aren't supportive of you.

Check out this Tedtalk by Sharon LivingstonThis is her story but if you scroll down into the comments section, she posted the 8 signs.: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-94Ql0UphdA

I have been around plenty of toxic people and because I tend to become attached to people, I have a hard time recognizing that. It's only after I have gotten away from these people that I think about their actions and realize their actions.

Some of them
1. Constant putdowns
2. You aren't allowed to be yourself around them
3. They leave you feeling empty
4. They are users
5. They put you on guilt trips
6. They try on up on you
7. They are not supportive
8. They compare your characters to others and how they are more preferable that you are
9. You have to bend over backward for them
10. They can be clingy
11. They are controlling
12. They make excuses for their behavior
13. They get mad all the time and make you feel it

i want to add to a list. also they allways deny it, being called out. and turn it inside out.
and i simply cant say in public who did it to me throughout my life. not like it was one person.

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Most of the time they take their own actions and blame the victim by accusing them of everything that is really a reflection of themselves because they don't want to admit they were wrong. Most of them also become defensive and hostile back so they make you feel bad.

Other times they tell you that you are "Too sensitive" "Fragile" "Imagining things." Other times they will use "I was just kidding."

I think sometimes it is best to just take care of yourself because if you are too tender hearted and kind people will take advantage of that.

I am known to have a kind heart and because of that, I have been able to attract all kinds of toxic people who only want things from me but appear to want to be me friend. Then once they got what they want, they otherwise hate me.

Other things that toxic people do is expect you to impress them and jump through their hoops while they do not lift a finger. I had a crush on an autistic male for a long time who did something like this and ignored me otherwise unless he wanted something from me. When he ignored me, he would avoid me and talk about me behind my back by being insulting. Whenever I called him out, he played the blame game by calling me too "Fragile" whenever I could call him out.

"Toxic" is a rather vague word.

Too often, I suspect, it gets used as an excuse to abandon someone who might be needy or moody but otherwise a good and loyal friend. With such a person, it may be necessary to set firm boundaries, but not a good idea to kick that person out of one's life entirely.

On the other hand, there are other people who are truly malicious and/or otherwise abusive, thus truly dangerous to have in one's life.

Good point, there are people who are needy that often get kicked to the curb because there are people who don't really understand. I seem to see this a lot among people in the mental health community in terms of anxiety, depression, PTSD. You are also right about boundaries

However, a situation becomes toxic when that person is hurting and they continue to step over your boundaries and constantly
1. Put you down
2. Put you on guilt trip every time you turn around
3. Won't let you be yourself
4. You ride their emotional roller coaster
5. If you are expected to make an effort for them all the time and be a support for them but they aren't there for you

Then the situation is toxic

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDNMvuQrcGk&t=47s

I don't know if I have posted this

Agreed. I just think we should be careful and not too quick to judge people as "toxic." (But, on the other hand, we shouldn't be too quick to trust people either.)

Also, if someone is behaving in "toxic" ways due to neediness or moodiness rather than being outright malicious, I feel that, instead of just abandoning them, it's better to give the person an ultimatum that they must seek treatment for their problems if they want to continue the relationship. For example, some people with depression are extremely irritable, thus very unpleasant to be around, until they and their psychiatrist figure out what medication works best for them, which can make a night-and-day difference in the person's attitudes and behavior.

It was very comforting to read this post and be reminded I'm not the only one who can't automatically sense and filter out these people. I've had the same experience of supporting people who I cared deeply about as friends just to find out that they are very bad to have in my life and very harmful to me as a person. It always hits me from left field and looking back I should have seen the red flags, but I made excuses for them instead because I couldn't believe my "friend(s)" could really be that type of person.

I really appreciate the list of things to watch out for as well. I've found that excessive drama is often a sign that things might be rotten. I don't mean someone who has things happen to them they have to deal with (this year has been thing after thing from left field in my life for example), I mean people who actively seek out and cause drama. People who have to have something to complain about or to blame others for and people who refuse to take responsibility for their own actions.

I have the same problem myself where I get to know a person and think they are lovely and then I will see their behaviors as listed above and have a hard time accepting that this person is a "jerk."

One other thing that I wanted to point out in a toxic relationship is that they are not supportive and especially when to know that something or someone is not good for you or a good fit. Yet don't say anything and let the other person struggle or get hurt. Then when it's over, "I knew that was bad for you but I didn't dare say anything."

They also don't want you to have anything or don't care to see you with anything. So while they are cheering you on, they are really rooting for your failure

These types of friends often try on up with you by trying to make you jealous and even if it includes stretching the truth.

Examples:
1. I adopted a second cat when I was 10 from my grandmother's farm and I happened to tell my best friend at the time. Her response was "Big deal! I have new puppies who were just born as my dog gave birth" I knew that was a lie because her dog was a male.