19 year old irrational hatred of 'autism'

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Hello,

First of all, I must apologise for the content of this post. It reflects my son's apparent perspective and I realise that it may be offensive. However, I really need some advice about how to manage the situation.

My 19 year old son lives in supported accommodation for people who are learning to cope with mental illness. The accommodation providers feel the placement is not really appropriate for my son because his primary needs relate to autism and not to a chronic mental health need such as, for example, a psychotic or depressive disorder. Furthermore, many of the therapies are group based and my son finds it difficult to access or participate in these.

The problem is, he rejects his diagnosis of autism and speaks in a derogatory and aggressive way about anyone who has such a diagnosis. We have tried to raise his awareness of autism and to use social stories (or similar techniques) to help him realise that he cannot speak about people in this way, but nothing seems to be working.

This antipathy towards autism affects my son negatively in two main ways. First, it has led him to fear that people will perceive him as 'autistic' and, therefore, he acts in a way that is hyper-social (which can be perceived as OTT and inappropriate by others) and he panics and self harms if he feels he has offended anyone or not spoken quite as much or quite as 'well' as he believes he should have spoken. Secondly, his rejection of the diagnostic label means he rejects any services or accommodation that may be directly autism specific.

I am not sure where the hatred comes from. He was bullied when he was younger and the bullying targeted his disability. He was also exploited/abused and I am sure he associates his vulnerability with autism which he claims he has now 'overcome'. He may also perceive some of his father's difficulties as being attributable to autism (his father also has a diagnosis of ASC).

I have tried to help him understand that his hatred is misplaced and the object of his hatred, if anything, should be bullying, exploitation and abuse, not autism. However, he remains fixed in his views.


Has anyone experienced this reaction in their children and has anyone got any advice about how we could help my son? His reaction at the moment is making his anxiety worse and preventing him moving on in life.

Well, I guess he needs to go through the stage of denial and there is little to be done to speed it up.
Validation is always good, I mean telling him you accept his feelings.
When was he diagnosed? What services did he receive? Bullying and exploiting may have caused him PTSD or CPTSD and he may have connected them to the word "autism". If he is willing to treat his PTSD, it may help much more than any autism-related service. I mean, he can find his way through life with autistic brain but he will suffer greatly with untreated CPTSD.
Best to you!

Firstly, I'm sorry to hear what a terrible time you and your son are having. There's no need at all to apologise, you come across as a devoted parent in a desperately trying situation.

I think that magz is quite likely correct. Abusers often go much further than just "targeting" an alleged weakness; they attempt to make the victim believe that they "deserve" the abuse because of the alleged weakness. Besides rejecting his diagnosis or feeling persecuted because of it, your son may also have internalised anti-autistic rationalisations for the abuse fed to him by his abuser. I know too little about the abuse or psychology for this to be anything but an educated guess, but specialist post-trauma care seems the best course.

Best wishes.

Not offended. We are all pretty use to it by now. Autistic is used the same way "ret*d" use to be.



I was sent to 3 "Programs", each for a year or so pre-21. They don't help. In fact, they hurt a lot. Mostly because people, especially professionals, simply don't understand autism. It's not a mental illness, it's a neurological disorder. It's stress based (nerves) rather then a fault in the brain. So the #1 thing is learning stress management. Most other disorders related to autism, are based off of stress. For instance, if i'm constantly stressed, i'll get depressed. If i'm depressed, and no longer stressed, my Depression goes away. Most "treatment centers" for lack of a better term, are very stressful. Most of the people with mental illness are in their because they are to stressful to deal with in the first place. It's also not a place a teenager feels safe. Stuff happens all the time, and no one reports it.


We all go through this. To me, it use to sound like the diagnosis was more for my mom, for her to believe it wasn't her fault. Put yourself in his shoes. What positive things is he getting from being diagnosed? When i was 19, i viewed it as getting sent away, constantly patronized, and made me feel very stupid for a very long time. There are plenty of negatives, but autism has some huge positives as well. Pattern thinking, visual thinking, Extreme specialization and knowledge in an area you love, heightened senses.... It's a lot easier to accept your autistic when you realize Batman is effectively autistic. Or Nicky Tesla was a fellow autistic. That there is something that CAN give you an edge up on someone, even if you never figure out how to do it.



I can really relate with that. First off, and this is my personal opinion, but i don't believe that is a negative thing. First, he's 100% correct in being afraid of being perceived as autistic. It's the new slang for stupid. It's to easy to dismiss what he says to autism. Both in the "Stop being autistic" and the "He doesn't understand _____ because he's autistic". Same way people dismiss girls opinions because they are "too emotional".

That being said, I went through the same "hyper-social" phase when i was 17-22ish. When i didn't say what i wanted to (even if what i said was socially correct), i would get extremely upset with myself. I have knife marks all up and down my arms from that, and would replay the conversations in my head until i got it right. Eventually i learned how to predict conversations, and now, though still autistic, no one knows unless i tell them. It's the difference of having to take any friendship that is offered vs being able to choose your friends, if that makes any sense.

Also he's 19. Do you really think a 19 year old girl is going to date an autistic for anything other then sympathy? Without the label, he's just a socially awkward teenager, which isn't exactly abnormal.


Because he's a 19 year old male. Vulnerability is not an autistic trait. The perception that someone is vulnerable makes them the default target to be picked on, and the excuses to ignore them. Most every one of us has a problem with not feeling heard. There are plenty of us who arn't what most would consider vulnerable.



His hatred is from the fear of being bullied, exploited, abused, which comes directly from the label of autism, and the limits of autism as well. That fear doesn't go away simply because you accept your autistic. It only goes away when you feel your strong enough to not have to suffer through it again. I think your kid is really smart to realize that and try to "Overcome" it. You can't un-autistic yourself, but you can find away around your limits.

It may look hopeless, especially when you look at what's he capable at the time, but so did I at that time. The trick for me was to realize that I did in fact think differently, and due to virtue of that, i had to find my own path. That "normal" people advice doesn't work for me. I'm almost 40, i got a fully paid off house, 2 cars, a golden retriever, a wife of 10 years, owned several buisness's and am writing this while i'm waiting for a version of my game to compile (a life long dream of mine).

Just a final thought as i write a mini novel here lol. If your kid is willing to fight for a normal life, living with autism and knowing what he is up against....That's not someone i would underestimate or pity. But that's just my personal opinion.

Thank you ShadeX You have helped me to see things a little more from my son's perspective.

You can be autistic and have mental health issues. If your son is being a PITA, don't let supportive housing punt him because of the autism diagnosis. Depression, anxiety...all make the autism symptoms worse.

Also, my one friend with autism lives in supportive housing for autistic people. They have GROUP meetings. They are REQUIRED to go those. So the housing people saying your son can't benefit from the groups is crap. The above friend has no choice. Everyone is required to be out of their bedrooms (x) amount of hours. It's not like "Oh you have ASD and have a hard time being with people, that's okay."

I think her ASD home is more hard core on interacting with humans than the supportive Mental Health homes are.

If your son has any self awareness, his 19 year old life is different from other 19 year olds.

Dating, school, moving away from home, getting a job, maybe friends getting married, your own place with/out a roommate, just keeping a close cirlce of friends....parties, getting invited to parties...I don't know which of these your son has or wants.

Being in supportive house is a hit on the self esteem. He wants to be a 19 year old man. An adult. So he's mad about that. My husband said he resented my bipolar diagnosis because nobody recoils in horror learning about it. That manic pixie girl nonsense. Creative, whacky fun. Artsy. Autism...it's cute kids with issues, horrible press in the media, or Einstein and Newton. Your son probably feels no upside with the diagnosis. Einstein and Newton are cool and all, but that tidbit appeals to a small sliver of people.

My husband went through a huge denial stage with his ASD diagnosis. I would just say, "Fine. You don't have Aspergers. Now what?" I would tell him that's great. He'd benefit from therapy. He could really work on his depression and anxiety. He could hit the job placement center. This is what NTs do to get better.

My husband's ASD stands out like an albatross in a flock of chickens. His therapist humored him with "Okay, no autism, we'll try x,y and z." That went down in flames pretty quickly. Same thing for me with the bipolar diagnosis. I am NORMAL, damn it, and will die trying to prove how normal I am...lol. A zillion crashes and burns later, I finally admitted to myself, yes, I'm gonna have to make adjustments. This is my life. I gotta take the rough with the smooth.

Your son has 19 year old bravado, denial (I've been there), and grief/loss/depression/PTDSD (whatever combo there is). His life looks pretty crappy at his end. He's mad at being mistreated. My husband takes every trauma big or little, and cements it in his head. There is really low level petty kid stuff that he remembers like yesterday at 58. He's still white hot furious about it to this day. That's part of his ASD dealing with those issues like that.

For your son. He's got the ASD diagnosis. If you aren't his guardian, he can do what he wants. I think I would not keep bring up the ASD diagnosis. If he's willing to go along with plans that don't have the "taint" of ASD, does it matter if your son buys into the diagnosis now? If he wants to b***h about the unfairness of the diagnosis, and how he doesn't have it. Let him. Acceptance never comes in one big dump truck. It's usually dribbles and dabs.

Good luck@

My brother in law is a super autist, serious type of person. He’s well into his 30s now but when he was 10 we used to joke that he didn’t have a personality. He has never been diagnosed, and has angerly rejected any suggestion that he is autistic. He is SO autistic, however, that it got my husband and their sister wondering and they both got adult diagnoses, which ended up being positive understandings for them.

So, my brother in law got through technical school. He got a good job making a decent income for our area. He is on his third wife. All three have been pretty, nice women. He chose to leave the first two. The women didn’t leave him. He is an incredibly talented artist and also wonderful father. He doesn’t know this, but he is usually the example I give of an unknowingly successful autistic person.

Unknowingly because 1) he doesn’t accept his autism and 2) he is never satisfied with his life. If you asked him he would probably say he wasn’t successful. But his life looks great to me. He just always strives for more. Which we should all do.

So maybe it’s not that bleak for your son. He’s just starting out. Maybe his harsh additude will end up serving him well.