Meeting a girl in real worl when you have zero social skills

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I am good at interacting with physical environment, even more than average i know how to find information and navigate in physical domain, however when it comes to virtual (social) world i am totally clueless what i am doing plus i have speech disorder.

My barrier is social skills everything i do to locate the women is useless because i cannot communicate to her what i want properly and being a failure in that sense all my life i don't have what it takes to even try and start a conversation offline.

I have enough skills working with physical world to survive zombie apocalypse, but i cannot make a female friend this is killing me.

Any advice?

Do you mean meeting a girl in the street or in a shop? this is almost impossible to do, particularly for a male.

Starting off online and then meeting up or joining some kind of interest group and getting to know girls is more

doable these days.

I 2nd this. I had NO luck but bad trying to get in relationships with women offline. However I met both my exes & current girlfriend on online forums(the ladder two were this one). I've been living with my current girlfriend for 6 years now. I think I communicate & express myself better online. I relate to having a speech disorder cuz I have a tremor disorder that sometimes affects my voice & can cause me to stutter & slur. It's usually not bad & some days I don't even notice it but being stressed, tired or anxious can make it alot worse. I also have social & generalized anxiety & was very stressed & anxious trying to meet women offline. I tried to befriend women offline that I knew alittle like from work or something but they were never interested in me. The women I got along with & was close too offline were older than me & talked about how they wished their daughter or granddaughter would be interested in someone like me. I had zero interest in older woman because I did NOT want a woman who would act like a parent with me. I'd much rather act like a parent with a girl than have a woman act like a parent with me thou equal but in different ways kind of like I have with my current girlfriend(she's about 6 & half months older than me) is really good too.

I believe this is what is referred to as being "a typical male".

The key to meeting decent women, in my opinion, is to talk to women like they are regular people, not like they are some mythological, mysterious creature.

And "talk" to them like people when you're talking online with them, too. Talk about family, about what you eat, about novels. About your aspirations in life. Try to avoid talking about politics and religion at first.

What sort of speech impediment do you have? I have a slight stutter, which can cause problems.

Be yourself.
At this point, what I have learned is that if you embrace your social ineptness and learn to roll with it with confidence, it can actually make people feel more comfortable around you.
If you are constantly focused on it instead, people can sense your anxiety and discomfort and absorb it.

So this is what helped me. It is also currently being studied for therapy . It was a shortcut. Autism didn’t exist when I was young. So I had no access to help. My therapy as a kid was getting beat up when acting ret*d.

Take mdma. It made me autistic -> normal. I could socialize. I actually didn’t feel like jumping out of my skin.

Downside. Drug dealers will not sell ou actual mdma. Dosing properly is hard again due to moron drug dealers. It can make you anxious which is why I would have a beer or 2. Again , this increases your chance of kidney failure from dehydration heat. Depression. Dependency.

The effect gives you lasting perspective. It is not physically addictive. It is healthier on your system than alcohol.

It is a short term solution. It is not a long term strategy

Also ,

20 years later. I still have trouble. I cannot not be weird. It is just on micro expression level.

Looks didn’t make a difference. I am apparently as good looking as you get , I am as fashionable as you want to be without adding to weird.

That didn’t help. Honestly he sad truth is I just spent a lot of time being good at something and people have only ever initially liked me for what I do , not who I am. It’s sh***y. It doesn’t get better.

I think fluffysuarus gave some great advice in seeking out some sort of interest group to join where you'd be seeing the same women more than once.

We've all seen a scene in movies or TV where a man makes a clever quip or gives a well received compliment to a woman and based on that single interaction, that scene ends with her giving him her phone number or something. That's not reality. Even if it has happened in reality, the frequency would most likely be statistically insignificant.

Since social interaction is primarily speech based, I'm not sure what your speech issue is, but trying to find some sort of group may be even more important in your case (ie seeing the same women, getting to know them in a group setting and having them to get to know you).

Off the top of my head I would wonder about seeking out an art class, cooking class, common interest group of some kind, take a community education course on a topic that interests you and just be yourself. Ask questions out loud, maybe crack a joke to the group and just go to something where you figure you may never see any of those people again, so....who cares?

I hope you do well out there.

Many people meet their partners at work (15%) according to a study published in Bustle. More than through church or hobbies (9%).

I don't know how someone would meet someone at church, I mean, I go because the bible says to gather with other believers, but during church I focus on God, after church I just want to leave, and at most may give some commentary to the pastor on the sermon, and then get out.
Maybe during other church activities like bible studies, but I at least remain focused on the passage, meaning and God, the other people are barely in my vision a lot of the time unless they have an interesting interpretation that makes me think.

I met my wife at work.

I've had three girlfriends from work.

And I'm not nearly as good-looking or as smart as Kip....

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 29 Oct 2018, 5:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.

.......
............???????


and where does that leave the other 76 percent???

76% are in threads like these, duh.~

This is long but I think it may help you so bear with me.


If it's alright, I'll ask a couple of questions for clarity:

1. What specifically do you mean when you say that you have a "speech disorder?"

2. By the "virtual world" are you referring to the invisible web of social interactions and relationships that you have to manage and navigate through to function in the real world outside of your house or to the online internet world of dating websites and such?


Note: When I use the word "you," I do not mean it in an accusatory way but only to refer to a hypothetical male, not necessarily you personally. Also, I am going to assume some things based on the info you have provided but I could be wrong in my assessment of you and your personal situation so definitely feel free to tell me if I've gotten anything wrong.


It sounds like the problem you are describing is an inability to "open" or initiate a conversation with a stranger without having any prior relationship or rapport with them. I also get the impression that approach anxiety (the fear that you will face a negative and/or hostile reaction/consequence if you attempt to initiate an interaction) is part of the problem. Is this more or less correct? If so, I can definitely share some info with you that has helped me with those problems and hopefully it will make a noticeable difference for you as well. Let me know if this is so.

As for making specifically female friends, this is not something I would generally recommend as, when heterosexual males (I am assuming that this is what you are) set out specifically to make female friends, it is usually the case that they are not looking for a friend of the same sort that they would look for in other males but instead they are looking for a female or collection of females whom they are on some level attracted to, have the potential to be attracted to, and/or can be their connection to reach other females who might be potential objects of attraction. There is either a conscious or subconscious desire in these cases that the female(s) in question will at some point warm up to and discover their attraction for the male and, at that point, there will theoretically be less danger for the male to express his true feelings/intentions and take the relationship to a more physically intimate place.

Having played this game in the past myself and having known many other guys who did the same, I can say that the reason for it is most often approach anxiety combined with and compounded by a fear that, at some point, we (the male) will make some sort of mistake and/or face hostility for some reason and be blamed, shamed, and possibly punished for it. These concerns are not unreasonable if you are going in blind without knowing what you are doing or how to manage interactions which is why I very strongly recommend putting in time and effort to learn and practice social skills.

Frankly, if you want friends, I recommend that you not bother worrying about what gender they are and simply seek out other people with whom you share common interests and hopefully can meet in person fairly regularly in order to build rapport and accumulate shared experiences that you can bond over. It will almost certainly be the case that these will be other males as males and females (even autistic ones) are wired very differently and so rarely share the same interests and even more rarely share them to the same degree of intensity.

If you want a female with whom to be physically intimate and possibly even committed with (I suspect that this is the case), I recommend not starting from the friend zone as you will mentally sabotage yourself that way and you will just wind up being the non-threatening nice guy who that girl (and the other girls you are "friends" with) goes to when she needs to cry on someone's shoulder and complain about how that jerk they just broke up with was such a jerk while, as your shirt becomes soaked with her tears, you secretly envy him because, unlike you, he actually was able to be intimate with her which is what you have wanted deep down from day 1.

To be honest, being "friends" with women never seemed to get me what I wanted. I do not mean this to say that those women were bad. I only mean it to say that I did not get what I wanted and our friendships seemed to be one-sided with me giving them what they wanted and me not getting anything I wanted in return. Admittedly, this was largely if not entirely my own fault as the result of my not making my intentions and desires clear from the start and of operating on the false assumption that the most effective way to become physically intimate with a female was to befriend her and essentially wait until she is tired of dealing with all the other guys who are not pretending (as I was) to be her friend at which point she will at last retrieve me from the friend zone and move me into the more than friends zone (FYI: This never worked the way I wanted it to). It also felt dishonest in that I pretended to want things that I did not so as not to give them the impression that I was motivated by a desire for anything more than a non-physical platonic friendship.

The solution to this, in my view, is not to fall back on the excuse of "I have no social skills" as the world will not and cannot reasonably be expected to know at the start of every interaction that you are autistic and even less can they be expected to understand all the ins and outs of what that means. Furthermore, the world will not turn itself upside down and inside out just for you. For these reasons, the most sane way forward, and the one most likely to yield positive results, is to put in the effort to learn and practice social skills manually as you obviously did not do so naturally and intuitively like a neurotypical would have.

Even for a diagnosed autistic (one of the girls I am seeing right now knows that I am - and I was in special education as a kid because I was not allowed in a normal classroom so I have not always passed for normal) it is entirely possible to become socially competent and successful (whatever that means to you) with the opposite gender. I have been romantically and/or physically involved with around 40 women I consider to be attractive in 4 very different countries, including my own (the US), on 3 different continents now (I'm not a love tourist, I have just spent a lot of time living and studying abroad) so I can say with some confidence that being autistic does not necessarily mean that you must also be celibate or alone and my own real life experience bears that out.

Personally, especially if you are more relationship-minded, I would not generally recommend that you juggle a large number of women at once as that is not for most guys (contrary to popular belief, most guys want a stable relationship) and it gets exhausting maintaining communication and meeting schedules with more than 3-5 women at a time. I've gone as high as 20 at once and had absolutely no time for anything else so it sucked because it felt like it was just another job instead of something fun. At a certain point, it stops being enjoyable for its own sake and starts being just a status/competition thing. Especially if you are more relationship-minded, I think it is actually wiser in the long run to date a bit and then select a girl whom you actually enjoy spending time and doing things with. This is not necessarily the same as having a shared interest. You don't need to both be interested in Egyptian politics or Warhammer 40k to enjoy a board game with friends or a hike to a waterfall together. you do not want to end up being that creepy old player with white hair in the nightclub in Ibiza whose chat lines are out of date and who is not up on the latest fads and trends so cannot connect with the inebriated club girls 30 years his junior. Unless you are financially loaded to the point that your money alone is enough to magnetically pull scantily clad young women to you, that does not seem to be the most fun way to enter your twilight years.

I do however strongly recommend that you move learning social skills up in your priority list and make moves to start getting that part of your life more under control.



I should not have to say this but, given the currently hysterical climate we live in, I will anyway:

For the record, I am not a pickup artist or a misogynist and I do not think less of women or harbor any irrational resentment toward them as a group. I am just open about my intentions from the start and I don't hide in the friend zone hoping that one day, after she has been dumped by enough "jerks" (nearly every ex-boyfriend or one-night-stand is a jerk for at least the first week after a separation in my observation), she will notice how loyal and nice I've been and fall back on me as her Plan B at which point I will be forever in competition with the memory of whichever ex she was most into whom I will be occasionally compared unfavorably with when arguments arise. I do not mean that I tell every woman I meet whom I find attractive that I want to get physical with them. I just don't overtly tell them that I do not want that so, when things escalate as they do, there is not a "but we are just friends" psychological barrier.

Essentially, be polite and civil but do not lie like a creep about just wanting to be her friend and do not bring up your desires or lack thereof unless specifically asked about them. Also, do not go after coworkers, classmates, or any other female whom you will still see or, God forbid, have to work with/for very frequently even if things go badly even if she is attractive. How many people does an average person date before they get married? A lot. Odds are, whoever you are dating now is not the one you are going to be with until one of you dies so make sure that she is not someone you will have to see all the time if/when you both split.

NT people, including women, do not want everything laid out before them in black and white. They want to go along for the ride and get wrapped up in the emotional journey without having the fourth wall broken and having everything explained to them. Let them have that and enjoy the ride with them. Part of the fun of watching a magic show is that you have no idea how the magician did a trick. If it were explained to you as it was happening, you would probably be less interested in the show and you might even leave to go see a different show.

I also do not hide behind the myth that women are mysterious (they are not - they are just different) or that it is impossible to meet and interact with them in a normal daytime setting as opposed to a crowded nightclub or bar with all of the loud noises, flashing multi-colored lights, and strangers rubbing against you that all of us autists love. My own experience has made it impossible for me to believe either of these things in the same way that my own experience of having lived in South Korea makes it impossible for me to believe that it is an entirely uninhabitable and war-torn third world hellscape (a notion that some of my relatives still stubbornly cling to). I am incapable of using this myth as an excuse for not improving my social skills and self care. Unless you are severely physically disfigured or have some kind of tragic body odor problem, you can improve yourself to the point that you can become successful with the opposite gender. It will not be easy and you will go through a process of trial and error but you can do it. Don't be a victim. Be a winner.

Most of the time, when I see guys "failing" (in their own words), it is because they have placed themselves in the friend zone and, through their speech and actions, convinced the females that they belong there so those females simply treat them as they would treat one of their other female friends while continuing to seek out the guy(s) that they want to be physical with. These guys get upset that the females have "put them in the friend zone" when the reality is that they put themselves there and they will remain there for as long as they continue to be dishonest. It is better to just stop wasting your time and energy and tell a woman whose friend zone you are currently languishing in "I do not want to be your friend. I want more than that. If you want the same, great. I understand if you do not though so just tell me if that is the case so I can move on." This may cause tension or even tears but it is better than lying to a girl for months or years while pretending that you only want to be her friend.

I hope this helps at least a little bit. There is a lot more regarding technique and mindset than what I can write here and I can recommend a number of books and resources to you that have helped me a great deal as well as some practice drills that I've used myself to become pretty successful with women romantically speaking. Let me know if you are interested.