How do you make it stop?

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Hi,

So basically every day after I wake up I lay in bed for hours, basically repeating in my head that everyone is better off without me.

Thinking of all the reasons/ways their lives would be better if I wasn't in it anymore.

Between autism and other problems (chronic pain from a broken back for example) ... I feel like I'm just a drain on everything/everyone.

Lost basically all my friends... No family talks to me. Can't even talk to my sister about anything ... All because of autism... I'm afraid to even try to talk to people anymore, including my own parents. I have it in my head that every word I say puts me one step close to whoever I'm talking to not liking me. Which has proven to be true.

Its kind of the pattern.. People like me at first, then miscommunications and stuff start happening, then that person finds other friends instead.

Combine that with being on disability for 15+ years, I don't have much positive stuff to talk about with anyone, literally nothing new/interesting happens in my life to talk about ... Infact I seem to be permanently negative about everything, which makes people like me even less.

Someone can say they are excited about something, and the first thing my brain does is analyze everything and find the problem with what they are doing. I can't stop it, my brain always looks for problems, always plays devils advocate.

I see specialists and stuff but none of it changes anything... The autism specialist i see has more or less given up on any significant changes and is now more or less "just here to listen" kind of BS.. Which I suppose is good since no-one else wants to listen to things I have to say, but its not improving anything at all.

My parents are the only reason I havent killed myself at this point, and every day that goes by I'm convincing myself that despite me being gone might cause some kind of hole, that they are better off w/out me, both financially and psychologically.

Of course they love me, but I don't think they like me at all... I don't really think anyone does. Lets be honest, if I wasn't their kid they'd stay as far from me as possible, just like everyone else.

I feel like I'm heading towards a breaking point and have no idea how to stop it... or even if I should try. Do I want to extend this life longer than it has to be? For what purpose?

I don't know what to do anymore....

I don't think you should kill yourself. We cannot always see ourselves and our impact on others from an outside perspective. It is true that NTs especially have trouble "liking" us because we are strange. If you have been depressed for a long time, others will feel frustrated they can't figure out how to help you. But they do love you and want to help.

When you are lost at sea in the middle of a storm, and at the bottom of a wave trough, you cannot see what else might be around you. Right now it sounds like you are in the trough of a wave. The rest of the world, including sunny days and palm trees are still out there waiting for you.

Welcome to WP and I hope you post more. I think you will find others who have felt like you are feeling now. And by all means, if the pressure to kill yourself becomes unbearable, get yourself to the nearest Emergency Room, please. You are valued.

Elmo, have you sought counseling? I don't mean the "lie down on the couch and tell me about your childhood" kind. I mean speaking to someone whose job it is to listen -- a crisis counselor, a religious leader, or someone like that.

I've been through a few dark times, too. Talking to someone who cared made all of the difference.

(I'm going to ask the moderators to move this thread to The Haven subforum, so you won't have to put up with snark and sarcasm.)

i feel all the way same way. ya, physical and emotional pain, drain etc. and we allways hide that form ppl near us. we do that. im paranoid at that, and its not really paranoya when somebody hurts me every time they can. but there are people who dont. someone had told me, that if i suicide they will do it too. and it was meant. so im kinda bound to manage it, ya. broke out on them about that s**t. hit my triggers, hit them more baby, im just about to get the f**k off this planet. point is people never are ideal. nor we nor them. and its not exclusive to autistic, to be unable to express affection. communication is a 2 way street and it is highly likely u just dont see how dear u are to somebody. because u tell urself it cant be. because para-fucking-noya making u believe in the opposite. same for all of us. it takes a LOT of support from 1 person for me to start believing them when they say they care about me, need me etc. and then there is a next round. a brain deprived of endorphines is ur own enemy. and when ppl try to well, be considerate for ur autistic needs, give u space and privacy, u can perceive it as them being grossed out. when they are well, confused and dont know how to procede to not hurt u, u can see it as them hating u.
and the night is scar of day, and this s**t wont go away. but it can be lived with. yesterday 2 ppl had to hold my metaphorical hands off me for half a night, and today i feel like seing tomorrow. hardest thing in this state is to dare to cry out. to say IM HURT, please help me. because u dont believe help will come. i didnt. it was a lie. my lie to myself. result of a lifelong gaslighting and several severe trauma i had gone thru. turns out, once this "im fine" shield fell apart, and a lot of people just came over once they saw me for what i am - someone badly damaged. sometimes problem is where u never suspect. it can predate ur birth. sometimes trauma runs in families for many generations, passed by traumatized parents to their children.
so what im rambling about, u need to find the sourse of ur cramps. the deep, and very personal reason to want to die. no, not the obvious one u think u know. there are layers over layers at this age, and knowing ur own motivation is the only way to get a hope to survive. i get thru cramps with help of friends, they know what to do and what sighns to look for in the first place. family doesnt. triggers are allways different, but they all go back to same rig. removing it from ur system is one helluva task, but at least finding it allready makes it less powerful. more managable. how to do that? took me several months following chains of triggers, tearing thru flashbacks, uncovering new layers that had been locked up with amnesia. but i have the training and education u might not have, so maybe u cant do that urself.
maybe u need a shrink, and maybe the first 5 wont do it for u, but well need to keep trying. u've written here, it means u have some will to live left. take it, use it. its ur shield. let go of the defective "im fine" one, that only f***s u up. and then every person who responds, is another tether. this world might suck, but as long as there is somebody who needs u, it makes sense. everybody who stays up at night way past their naptime to hold me, they want me alive. but they never knew i needed this, before i told them.
nobody is a f*****g telepath. and with all our body language problems, with all the walls of miscommunication, guessing what u need is nearly impossible for ppl near u. after years of perfecting "im fine" act, we do it too good, too fast, and nobody gets smart. and then ya. jonny was a weirdo, so what did u expect. some people are also incapable of a responce u want from them. when u need to be cuddled, and they will yell their lungs out at u for wanting to quit. because they really give a f**k and want u around, and are enfuriated that u want to walk out on them. just like that. gone one of those just the other day. when the road is too long to follow, when the pain is too much to swollow, when it seems there is no tomorrow, just hold on. just carry on. sometimes u dont see the light in the end of a tunnel, becuase its a z-shape tunnel. u need to take a few turns.
guardian demon, over.

^^^^ That is beautiful stream-of-consciousness writing. And apt too. Thanks.

that was to me? this is very pleasant. u are welcome. i hope topicstarter reports in, as well. we need all of us.