I had a face to face, one on one business meeting today at work with someone I'd never met before that lasted for an hour. The meeting was scheduled a few weeks in advance. The meeting was at my place of work in a setting familiar to me. It was a meeting that required me to be absolutely 100% "on my game".
It required me to listen intently, answer complicated industry specific questions eloquently and to prove that I'm knowledgeable in my field. It required me to be personable. It required me to put on a "mask" of normalcy encompassing verbal communication as well as facial expressions and mannerisms where appropriate. Thankfully, I was successful, but it required as much mental engagement and focus as someone playing a game of table tennis (aka ping pong) for an hour.
It's not an exaggeration for me to say that when I'm conversing with a person I don't know as described above, nearly every single aspect of what I say and what I do is a conscious and mechanical action. Unlike breathing which is an unconscious action/automatic, everything I must orchestrate. I hope to give a short and hopefully interesting illustration of what I mean.
In the illustration below, italics represent my inner thoughts during the conversation. whereas bold text represents a conscious command I give myself to deliberately act. The interaction takes place at a rectangular table in which I'm sitting directly across the other person.
Hold your pen, but don't play with it too much. Be calm.
Smile and nod your head.
This is where we exchange pleasantries and "get to know each other a bit better". It's friendly chit-chat.
Ok, he mentioned that he's been with his company for two years and used to work with his Dad in a family business. Maybe that will be useful information later in the conversation?
Make eye contact now. Maintain it. He looked away. Look away.
He's making a point. Validating the point as a good one should make him feel good and show him that you're listening to him.
Hold out your hand with your index finger pointing out and gesture toward him with a smile on your face and say "Exactly!".
Smile again, open your eyes a little wider and raise your eyebrows a little.
He just itched his nose discreetly. Is he indicating that I have something in my nose? I don't feel like I have something in my nose. Wait, maybe I do. I'll just inhale through my nostrils in the off chance I do have something in my nose and exhale through my mouth. I'll look for an opportunity when he looks away to quickly brush my nose. There......no, there was nothing in my nose.
Nod your head.
Your face has been too wooden for awhile; smile just a bit and look interested.
I have to burp. My lunch had garlic and pepper sauce. I don't think burping is an option right now.
Swallow.
Ok, he's obviously making a joke.
Laugh slightly and smile a bit.
Ask him a question about the information he just brought up, tell him why you want to know, but be as brief as possible.
I have to swallow again. I don't want him to see me swallow because I don't want him to interpret that as me being nervous. Wait for him to look down at his papers or something. That will give me enough time for a hard swallow. Swallow!
Nod your head.
I want to convey a sense of calm and confidence and as if I'd be totally fine if this meeting lasted for a few hours.
Look more interested and more intent. Focus!
He seems to think that a book I've never heard of is helpful for people in our field because he's talking about it and giving some examples from it after I told him I wasn't familiar. He's still talking about this book.
Look interested.
More about the book...
Ask him how to spell the name of the author and write the author's name down on your paper and thank him for suggesting it to you.
I have a tickle in my throat. I feel like I need to cough. I don't think I can stifle it. I wish I would have brought my cup of water to the table. Should I turn my head to the side and cough as lightly as possible or hold my fist in front of my mouth and cough?
Cough lightly once while turning your head away slightly.
I think you all get the idea that NONE of that was automatic. None of it. Every detail was a deliberate and orchestrated action on my part. If I did not do that, while I wouldn't have been non-verbal, I would have been completely devoid of emotion or facial expression and I wouldn't have made eye contact when talking to him. I would have looked down at my pen and would have focused on playing with my pen the whole time with a very strong desire to not talk or really interact at all.
I feel that for most people, the act of communicating with others is largely automatic. "Auto-pilot". For me, communicating with others feels like my body is a machine with many internal levers, ropes, pulleys, cranks, wheels, switches, etc and my mind must deliberately operate each and every one of those things simultaneously in order for the contraption to function "normally". I've been that way all of my life.
Does this sound like you?
16 Jan 2019, 5:29 pm
