Unwanted thoughts about loved one

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Hey guys, I have really been struggling with strange, fixating thoughts and anxieties, particularly for the past month or so.

I am engaged to the woman of my dreams -- a woman who is beautiful, kind, patient with me, understanding, and very emotionally stable. It's such a blessing to me that she can handle all of my anxieties and love me through them. I love her so much, love being with her, and I can never seem to spend enough time with her.

Unfortunately my anxieties won't let me just enjoy our relationship. I keep having strange fixating thoughts. For example, I consider her to be a very beautiful woman, but sometimes I'll see her in lighting that my brain isn't used to seeing her in (e.g. fluorescent lighting). I didn't used to think much of it, but lately my brain will become hyper aware of how she can look slightly different in different types of lighting, and then I'll start having anxious thoughts like "What if I'm not really attracted to her" or "What if I don't really love her".

I know these thoughts aren't true, and I've never actually found her to be unattractive in any lighting. But once my anxiety gets going, my mind starts questioning everything and my thoughts just keep spinning around in circles and it's hard for me to stop. Sometimes it will even cause anxiety and panic attacks.

She is the love of my life and she means the world to me, but I can't seem to get rid of these fixating thoughts and all this anxiety. I've had other anxieties / fixations in our relationship, but I've been able to work through the other ones, I just haven't figured out how to get through this one yet.

I'm looking into medication as a possibility (my anxiety was a problem long before I started dating her), but I just wanted to know if anyone had suggestions about how I can resolve these fixating thoughts and anxieties, or at least stop them from coming up so often. Thanks in advance

My advice would be to shift your focus onto the good parts of your relationship, physical or emotional. When you find yourself in the situations you describe try and do a couple of things:

1. Most importantly, DO NOT (I say again DO NOT) chide or berate yourself at any point. Anxiety is a funny thing and it affects people in wildly different and unpredictable ways.

Your situation is unique to you, so just accept and note that your having anxious thoughts.

2. Calmly (or as calmly as you can) sit and think about why you are panicking, sometimes it is not the most obvious thought. For example, for years I was terrified of riding the train because I was convinced I was going to get motion sick and throw up and embarrass myself. But that only explains what I was afraid of. Going beyond that I saw that why I was panicking was because I cared too much what people thought of me (the other people on the train).
Once you identify why you are panicking it becomes just a task of dismantling the flawed subconscious logic that drives the panic. Often you will find that once you identify the underlying fear and think about why you don't need to be afraid of it the panic will start to dissipate. In my situation I repeated to myself stuff like "Why should I care what other people think of me? Who cares if I make a fool of myself, those people are strangers! So what if I throw up, I'm not going to die!"

3. Once you've realised why you are panicking, reaffirm to yourself the positive things about your relationship (while remembering why you don't need to be afraid). That can be anything from "She really just understands me in a way nobody else does" to "She's got a damn fine backside". Whatever you love about the relationship.

4. Be present. In other words, focus on what is right in front of you in the actual real world. Let go of all the negative thoughts that are swirling round your head and see them for what they are: just thoughts. Thoughts only hold as much sway over the real world as you allow them to. This one is tricky and it takes practice like anything else. A method I used was to find something I could focus on in the real world like a podcast or the scenery out the window.

The nerves won't disappear immediately, or this process may not even work for you because like I said your situation is unique to you. However the underlying logic is universal: let go of the fear driving the panic and focus on the positives, whatever they may be.

Have you ever had bad experiences (the crash and burn type) in a relationship before?

Reason I ask is because it sounds like your hyper-focusing on anything that could hint at the relationship not working out, to try and get ahead of the pain of that eventuality. Then your mind goes into a downward spiral of fear, doubt, worry and panic as is so often the case with Anxiety. Maybe I'm way off base with that though.

If you are interested I can point you to some documents that go through worry and panic in greater detail, and how to deal with it when it comes up.

Thanks Jake, I think you have great advice! I have tried a bunch of different counselors, but no one has been able to articulate getting through a panic attack like you have. I will give those tips a try and see how it works.

You are correct, I've had terrible dating experiences in my past. The first girl I dated was emotionally abusive, and I've been involved with many women who have been unclear about their feelings, left me for other men, played games with me, decided I wasn't good enough for them, etc. I've been romantically involved (in some way) with more than ten different women, but my relationship with my fiancee is the only good, healthy relationship experience I've had.

So I think you're onto something, with my subconscious mind being afraid of our relationship not working out, and then looking for any little thing that could conceivably be a problem to hyper-focus on. It's like a classic case of my anxiety sabotaging our relationship. Do you have any more thoughts on this? I would definitely be interested in the documents you mentioned, or any articles that you think could be helpful!

Based on what you've shared it is perfectly understandable that sometimes you will panic about this stuff. Your mind is obsessively trying to anticipate a potential relationship problem or even a break-up, in order to mitigate the pain that would come with that scenario. It does this out of fear of the past experiences you've described.

But when you think about it you can't predict the future. You may end up having issues with your fiancee (although she sounds too awesome for that), or you won't. You can't predict either situation so focus on what you have with your fiancee right now and let go of the fear of possibility. You can do this by the steps I described.

Obviously this sounds easy when it is typed on a screen but recognize that this may take time for you, that's ok. Be patient and persistent, you'll get there.

Call me out if you disagree with anything I've said, I'm not exactly a psychologist I just have a ton of experience overcoming debilitating anxiety. Here's the resources I mentioned:

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resour ... r-yourself

They come in chapters that you work through in order, alongside worksheets.

It is very natural. The human mind is full of no. of thoughts. Sometimes bad thoughts come, sometimes good thoughts come, so it is better to avoid negative thoughts.

Keep being your self and enjoy her like there is nothing else. Either she gets you and likes you for that or she isn't worth you worries. Keep in mind that you can't be always be with her. You have to trust her. But you can only trust her if she is really into you and for this skips all others. As long as you have doubts she will not decide for you. That doesn't mean that you should act like a blind idiot. Let her realize that she is past as soon as she isn't with you only.