Social Rejection

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Social rejection is probably one of the most painful things a human being can experience. The simple reality is that some people (not thinking of anyone in particular, but this probably does apply to certain people here, including myself, in certain circumstances) behave in ways that are perceived by a large majority of other people to be socially unacceptable, ie. self-centered, rude, aggressive or whatever etc. and this kind of behavior simply does not fit in. People do not want to spend time with such people because it feels unpleasant, and they maybe even are rude to these other kinds of people, (which rudeness, to me, is generally unacceptable), but the existence of this kind of rude behavior is a fact. Then these other people who are treated rudely feel rejected, and sometimes do not accept responsibility for any of their own behavior, some of which they cannot help, but some of which they CAN do something about. The sad fact is that as long as these socially rejected people continue to completely blame other people and not at all look at how their own behavior may be playing into the way they are being treated, they are stuck in a terrible perceptional glitch which hinders their further emotional/psychological developmental progression and leads to even further suffering for themselves (and many others also). So how such an imo self-defeating behavioral syndrome work, particularly in causing suffering for other people?

I'm used to it, now I just contain my social interactions to the internet and stay to myself as a result

I'm not sure I get the question you are asking, but to treat this as a talking point... it's not possible for the person to experience inclusion while they are stuck in the downward cycle you describe, online or in real life.
Yes social rejection hurts, I've also given up on chasing the meaningful (in person) friendships I craved to have in the past. I thoroughly enjoy them, but I lack the ability to meet the other persons friendship needs due to a socially demanding job. I chose financial independence over social needs, I only have so many spoons as they say, and this was the best choice for me to make. In fact I am lucky to have had the options, many people don't get to choose.

Thanks for the responses. Sorry. I can get over-intellectual. I was asking what is the specific dynamic behind this kind of social rejection. I have seen some autistic people blaming their autism for why they are not accepted. To me that way of looking at it seems self defeating, especially for higher functioning autistics, in that it is too simplistic. In short, personality plays into it, also. I would like to inquire into that.

I do blame my ASD for all the social rejection I have suffered. The social rejection I've suffered doesn't happen to many NTs. If I was born NT, I would probably have fitted in through high school, just like all the other girls who were NTs.

The social rejection was so intense that it has made me feel rather reluctant to make close friendships as an adult. I'm just so afraid to hear the words "don't keep following me" or "I wasn't talking to you". I have worked on not being too clingy or too talkative, but then that means I have subtly become too standoffish and so can't form close friendships with people. I'm good at reading emotions and intentions through body language, but there are some things body language doesn't tell, and most NTs (in most cases) seem to know how to approach a friendship without seeming too clingy or annoying.

Not only have I had social rejection in childhood, I've also had it in adulthood too, with women in their 50s and 60s. It's like they were ganging up on me because of a couple of harmless quirks of mine, then one day they humiliated me about it. I just don't know why some people need to make a fuss about a person's quirks that are harmless. I've met annoying people, and I've felt like telling them how annoying they are, but I don't, because as long as they're not hurting anyone or behaving inappropriately, I just accept it as part of that person and move on. But no, some people just can't handle that, and it seems that ASD also makes me appear "weak", otherwise people would not humiliate me by pointing out my quirks.

Hi Joe. So you were not born Nt. That seems to be a fact. What is the next step for you so you can move past this? However you were born, that is the way you were born. Negative emotions are different than feeling grief. Negative emotions can twist a person up inside and even make them physically sick, and from my experience, negative emotions can take a person over with the drop of a pin, ruin the inner joy and distort the experience. At least this is the case with me. Therefore I try to work against that, not by shoving the feelings down, as I have done that and it did make me sick with horrible migraines many years ago, but by feeling the grief, not all at once as that could be like drowing in an ocean, but a little by little, drop by drop, a few seconds at a time. Simply feeling it. I know that is very difficult. God do I know it, but consciously feeling sorrow is different. It can cleanse a person from within. Yes, by my experience, negative emotion is dirty. It is a form of poison. Maybe it is different for you, but I am speaking from my own personal experience.

By the way, imo, Nt's, as some call them, are NOT born knowing how to act. They have to study people's responses and learn how, by trial and error. All people do that. Even animals do it. There is no reason why you cannot continue to study your own behavior in relationship to the behavior of other people and continue to learn and adapt, just like everyone else. As far as I know, at least some people, even possibly many, including both autistics and Nt's or people who have lost a leg or even people who have committed a crime and are incarcerated, are continuing to fine tune and adjust their behavior, Maybe not all people, and I pity the ones who are not, but at least many people. I strive to be in the society of this kind of people, and we can learn from each other and be a support and encouragement in our ongoing efforts, but I also do not object to being around the other kind of people who are stuck in the mire of negativity (not saying this is you, Joe, as I have seen some generative responses from you, so I do not think you are completely stuck, but rather trying to work some of these understandably difficult feelings through) as not reacting to these negative people is a wonderful opportunity for practice. I do have all kinds of negative experience and rejection, myself.
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Just got very angry a few minutes ago at someone from the horrible sub-acute care hospital where my (now kind of ex)boyfriend is cause he's paralyzed from a stroke. They will not let me call him anymore between certain hours in the morning because it is too much trouble for them to put the phone where he is able to reach it and/or help him pick up the phone, and I need to talk to him this morning cause we are going there and I do not want to run into his ex wife.. I tried to get him in a better care facility and near me, not forty miles away, and also get into his apartment and get his driver's license and checks so he could pay for the transfer and get him out of there and also so he could pay his his rent and not get evicted and lose everything he owns, but the real estate company is very difficult. They actually have been picketed by fifty people for unfair practices and it was written about in the newspaper. Then he ex wife, the Slovenia stalker came here (from Slovenia:-) and completely took over and undermined all the work I had done for three weeks---on the phone eight to ten hours a day trying to get information about how to help him. Now he is stuck there and they cannot get into his apartment. I have been dealing with horrible negativity and anger, but the reaction I'm having is my problem and something to work with. Nt's deal with this kind of thing, too. Many people are ignorant and people have to deal with it. That is life. They were not born that way--well actually, not true, People are born ignorant. So what caused all of this that is happening or is it just happening? Is there a way to cause things or do things just cause me to do this and that?

Dearest Joey,--an inquiring mind wants to know.

That's a great point. Breaking down all negative social interactions to being determined solely by autism is very self-destructively deterministic.

When I was young, I wondered where one could get some personality. Eventually, I learned that my aspie mom had given me an attachment disorder by waiting until I could talk to interact, doubling my inherent social awkwardness.
I'm currently watching https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_cont ... Ebtf7uS6P8 a talk that includes a study showing that even missing a bit of sleep makes interaction less likely.

It's such a cliché to suggest that social rejection is one of the most painful experiences in life. Only a suburban, middle class westerner who has never experienced hunger, war, living in a dictatorship, arbitrary imprisonment and other such things could make such a statement.

i agree with you

In each of those situations, solidarity with fellow sufferers and active resistance with them can be the highlight of a life. Isolation, OTOH, makes progress impossible and self-harm probable. Time in solitary confinement can be harder to recover from than many wounds.

For your sake, pray you never lose your financial safety net and get forced to work some shit job where, in addition to grueling work, you're also on the social-outs with the bossman and all of his underlings.

Social Rejections doesn't simply apply to making friends. It can affect every aspect of life.

Again, you don't realize how lucky you are and how hard it is out there. Count your blessings (and try not to be so smug and dismissive).

And you should stop assuming I have not lived through all of that. However, it sounds as if you may never have known social acceptance while also under duress. Misery does love company, and solidarity is wonderful for self-esteem.

Last edited by Dear_one on 06 Mar 2019, 8:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think you've just agreed with Prometheus. If you were a suburban, middle class westerner etc etc, you probably don't realize how lucky you are, have blessings to count and have a propensity to be smug and dismissive. Full marks to anyone in that position who manages to think more deeply about things.

As above, I don't understand what ezb's issue is here. My whole point was that I'm super lucky (for which I'm correspondingly grateful) to be financially well off and therefore have no right to complain about peanuts like not having any friends.

Exactly.