Hello! PS: some questions!

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Hello there!

I'm not sure if the subject of this makes sense, or if this is the right place to be saying all this, so apologies if this comes out/is all wrong. But if it is then we can all just ignore it and move on! But will say what's on my mind and we'll see if it makes sense.

So recently, my mother (I'm 35) has suggested that I'm aspergers. This has actually been suggested before by doctors. Once when I was a tiny kid (I don't remember it) and once when i was 12 or 13. I sort of logged it away and forgot that it was really even a *thing* until really the last couple of weeks. But its now got stuck in my mind and I would quite like to know, mainly cos I spose the self knowledge would be reassuring and helpful in trying to combat stuff i find tricky.

I've always found life quite a struggle. Which is odd because also I feel like I am capable of getting the most pleasure from the most basic things of anyone I know. But anyhow, so I was quite a strange child, altho not unpopular, just introverted, obsessed with christmas + magic (like utterly obsessed with christmas, I used to think about it almost 24/7 from september onwards and on actual xmas day I would work myself up into such a state about the idea that it was ending that a couple of times i fainted. I have a xmas tree tattoo now) and music. I was pretty standard teenager to a degree until I was 14 when one afternoon I remember it really clearly I got struck by this fear that I was going to be attacked. I started to fear certain train stations, roads. Believe that i was being followed everywhere. Literally used to hallucinate people walking towards me at night into big groups of people carrying knives etc. And I started to notice that I didn't like doing or going anywhere that I hadn't been before. Its hard to explain but if I couldn't imagine something (for example when I was 18 and my friends wanted to go for a night out in a different city), I just couldn't cope with the idea of it. There was too much that I didn't feel safe about. I didn't know what it looked like, who would be there, what might happen to me when I was there. In fact at university I actually got a lower mark in my degree because I dropped 20 credits because I missed the first week's lecture in a subject and I just couldn't bring myself to go into the room where the lecture was after that. The idea of walking into a room full of people when I didn't know what it would be like I just couldn't handle.
Employment has always been a struggle for me. Firstly, and this is nothing to be proud of but its' true, is that I'm incredibly lazy. Like my favourite thing in the whole world is to do nothing. Watching daytime television and drinking coffee early in the morning I find almost transcendentally blissful. Every time. I never get bored of the feeling of it. In fact I think I even like it more each time but anyhow. Also I find the idea of things so scary. Like people always say "you should just get a job in a pub!" but to me that's my idea of hell. Truly terrifying. People watching you. I just go through all the ways I can get things wrong and how angry everyone will be and it just scares me so much. even thinking about it now is scaring me. I have a part time job as a receptionist which I actually really enjoy . Very quiet place, noone really comes in. But its not enough hours and more meaningful work I've never really come into contact with! I had a job last year for two weeks (;() as an IT consultant, but I got overwhelmed cos I didn't know what to do and I started crying and they said that maybe I shouldn't work there anymore.

I've had lots of treatment (cbt and SSRIs ) for anxiety. Was diagnosed with Social Phobia which sort of fit altho i remember the guy diagnosed me was really almost sort of put-out by the fact that I'm happy performing onstage (i do comedy and sometimes music) . I mean I get a normal amount of stage fright beforehand. But overall I really like being onstage. I get really worried if any angry looking men are in the crowd cos I always have this fear that they'll attack me. But its always OK in the end and I always feel calm. The best way to describe why I don't mind it is cos I'm *supposed* to be there. Like I'm more comfortable performing in front of lots of people than I am, for example, sitting on a table in a pub that is reserved from 7:30 when its 7:20. (Like when people say "dont worry we'll just sit here until they ask us to move" that is literally intolerable to me, I don't understand how anyone can be OK about that!)
I've never really thought about aspergers because I think I'm highly empathetic. altho literally like a two minute read on the internet about empathy and aspergers makes me think that maybe its not quite as clear cut.

The way I've always seen myself is sort of like a deer, I feel like I can read emotions sort of psychicly and can pick up incredibly subtle changes in social atmospheres. Sometimes I get this wrong and err on the side of danger. What I cannot stand at all is any sort of tension, especially between men. Like any digging at each other. I just cannot take it. When asked I've always said because its starting down a road that logically ends with dreadful violence, and thats the only way I can see it sometimes. Not always, often when I'm feeling stressed about other things, but sometimes even very gentle digs I'll fast forward to something horrible happening as a result and will play those like a film in my head. Often people don't know I'm thinking this and I'm quite good at navigating it. I will get up and go outside and have a fake phonecall for 15 minutes, pretend i have to go and buy some nurofen,that sort of thing.
Not sure if examples are neccesary but two things come into my mind. Both in pubs actually. Actually in the same pub! god. Anyhow, first I was in the pub and there was a slightly unhinged man who was going round sitting at peoples tables and talking to them. My friends just thought it was funny but I knew that at some point he would get round to ours, or at least the possibitly was too great. And so I just had to leave. Everyone thought I was mad but it just wasn't worth it to me. The fear was too extreme. Secondly a year or so ago I was in that pub and my friend kept turning round and cheers-ing a table behind us. Like every 2 minutes. I didn't want him to do this cos I really hate when people draw attention to me, even inadvertantly, without my consent. And also cos I was worried it would start to anger the people, and then sometime awful would happen. He carried on and eventually I just sort of went into this shutdown mode when I felt like I couldn't talk to anybody, and just worrying and thinking awful thoughts etc.

Now this could all be anxiety stuff. And as I say I am v empathetic and socially pretty able, despite being what you might think of as quite a strange person. But there's a few things that make me wonder about aspergers and as I say it has been suggested in the past. I asked about why it was when I was a kid and I think it was cos I was really hypersensitive to touch and sound (still really hate balloons bursting and hot water, and especially the feel of velvet (less of an issue as the dreadful wheel of home furnishing trends turns), which I find genuinely revolting.

So thats moi! I mean I should maybe talk to the doctor or something to see what they would think. But if anyone recognises any of that sort of stuff or has any thoughts or input , all graciously received !

Hope everyones having a nice day or night! x

In the US getting an autism diagnoses is hard because you either need insurance that covers it or have the money to pay for an evaluation. In the UK it is covered by the NHS.

I can understand your lack of stage fright because you don't really have to interact with the audience to perform.

And, nobody expects you to "get" the audience, so there may be no pressure to pick up non-verbal clues missed by Aspies.

Aspies can do almost anything, if you look hard enough.

Roses for Autism, which does job training, offers training in everything from telemarketing to driving the delivery truck. Not just farming or growing the roses. They trained someone to do arrangements. And of course, IT.

Welcome to the forum!

There is certainly plenty there that I recognise - a couple of us here were talking only the other day about our stage-fright being nothing compared to our "off-stage-fright" as performers. You're also right quite right about the 'lack of empathy' being misunderstood, and in fact some of us seem to struggle with having too much of it, if anything. And the way that you talk about "navigating" social situations while concealing your true thoughts, and the feeling that it "shuts you down" are also very common here. A lot of what you mention might be typical for anxiety, especially social anxiety, but those are incredibly common things for autistic people to experience, as is depression; much more widely than for the general population. Many of us who were diagnosed rather late in life have had a long history of mental health problems, and it's not unusual for them to mask underlying autistic traits.

None of us here can diagnose you for sure, as no doubt you understand, but I think there are enough hints in what you've said to make autism a candidate worth looking into further. You might also learn something more by doing some of the self-reporting screening tests - you can find some on <this thread> which are clinically validated rather than just internet click-bait! And you may get more clues if you connect with other people's experiences here and start having "aha" moments as so many of us have.

You may then decide then to look for a professional diagnosis, or maybe not; but either way, you're just as welcome here!

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I would recommend trying to get a diagnosis if you can so you can be sure what your issue is, Asperger's or something else (which I think is the case for you).

Welcome.

I think it is a good idea to go to a doctor to ask. Take your mother with you would be a plan. (I did this as I tend to clam up and then when my mind thinks of what to say I go into a default setting which avoids the subject, so it took me two years of trying to ask before I finally asked (When I brought my Mum in with me as she could speak or stick to the subject if I didn't). For me it maybe the waiting room which is the most difficult part as it means that I am a little stressed and nurvous before I go in to see the doctor. This also plays havoc when I try to see the receptionist to ask for an appointment (I prefer to go there to book as I generally avoid phones if I can) as sometimss when nurvous, though I hear what is said my mind does not always grasp what is said even though I could be told several times. I only ever get this when nurvous and in a place like a hospital where the stresses of being in those long corridors or in the waiting room at A&E or waiting to have a blood test etc.. I once went in for just a blood test and almost went over the six hour parking limit because I kept fainting every time I tried to get up... And they wheeled me down to A&E to recover. If I was wheeled outside and left in a field on my own I would be fine and recover quickly.