I struggle with being "too much" for people; anyone with me?

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I'm a girl in my late 20s.
For a long time I didn't think I could possibly have ASD because I'm actually pretty obsessed with people. People are one of my special interests; I've even used the phrase "I collect people" - I "collect" their personality traits, their moral standards and convictions, the kind of relationships they form and the decisions they make within those relationships etc. I also love creating characters in my head, which are a mishmash of all the people I've "collected".
Anyway, that's just a sort of backstory so you get the idea that I do enjoy socialising (half the time; the other half I'm trying to get away from people)

I've always been perceived as intense. As a child I was super bossy and pretty oblivious of others' wants; I just wanted to make up all the rules and tell everyone what to do. Kids and teachers didn't really like me, but I couldn't care less at the time.
I'm completely different now; I'm a "chameleon" and I tailor my mask to the person in front of me, both to seem normal and to make sure they don't dislike me. But despite my ability to hide a lot of my true self, I still cannot stop being intense; being "too much."

Example: Someone I'm speaking with (NT) will make a comment about something - politics; the environment; a celebrity; whatever, and I will respond using the knowledge that I have collected on that subject and I am super passionate about exchanging knowledge. However, I often find that most people don't care about anything that much; for as long as I can remember I've been baffled by those who are not interested in learning new things about the very topics they have chosen to bring up in a conversation with me. I often get the impression that "normal" conversations should only be shallow and light and whenever you start getting passionate about something, it's like a loud fart; the atmosphere suddenly gets uncomfortable. The only people I can talk to about things in depth are my best friends and partner; all of whom are on the spectrum.

I find that people on the spectrum are passionate/obsessive to a level that NT people deem "strange" and that has been one of my biggest obstacles socially. It's actually kinda depressing. Like I said, it's the one thing I can't seem to hide and after a while I always get that look - that "this person is weird" look

Does anybody relate to this at all?
I hope I managed to convey my meaning well.

Thank you for reading.

It may be that NTs find you a little competitive in conversation. You may also have traces of the bossy quality you had as a child. These are things you probably could learn to modulate - if you care to.

I think that is great analysis of the situation; I've had similar thoughts myself. Props to you for having the skill to make such an analysis! I respect that.

My mom has recently been diagnosed with mild autism and she’s definitely a bit much for most people. She’s not very good at regulating her emotions. If she’s telling you a story about something that made her angry, it sounds like she’s angry at you. She also tends to monopolize the conversation.

She tends to only hang out with family because we understand her better than other people do. Sometimes she’s a bit much for me, and I need to have some quiet time away from her.

It’s just interesting that autism can look so different in different people. I tend to be the opposite. I’m very shy and quiet, so people have trouble getting to know me.

It’s good that you have some insight into this at your age. That gives you the opportunity to work on it, unlike most people who struggle in this regard.

Thank you for sharing; it's definitely good to know of others who struggle with the same issues as me. I really relate to a lot of what you say about your mum. And it's true - it's definitely interesting to see how different people on the spectrum are! My partner is actually a lot more like you - he comes across as shy and quiet and people don't really know who he is, which is a real shame because his true self is so witty, funny and intelligent.
I am getting therapy at the moment to help me cope better with life and social situations like the one this post is about.
I hope you and your mum find ways to cope better with your personal struggles too

Since this is your first post, Welcome to Wrong Planet.

I tend to be a little different. My mask is not a social mask. One of the things that are said about many Aspies is:

* Speaking their minds regardless of the social context is true of many adults with Aspergers. They are much more interested in someone’s skills and expertise than whether that person is viewed favorably by others.

I fall into that category. I am very passionate about what I believe and my interest. I do drive people crazy sometimes. All right most of the time. But that is my nature and I am careful not to damage my nature.

This may be one of the differences between male and female Aspies. They are more social in nature and use mask to hide themselves. Their mask are like mirrors that reflect the image of the person they are talking to. It can be very stressful.

Many Aspies have INTJ personalities types. This is a compilation of INTJ self analysis:

“We choose to be ourselves and not care what others think. Intellectually being an INTJ is fun as hell! When presented with relevant, challenging, and coherent problems/books/ideas then we go crazy theorizing! In some ways the INTJ is a mixture between a seasoned professor and a observant fun-loving child.” “our logic is almost never wrong” “If suddenly something captures our attention, we just have to know each and everything about it.” “We are self confident individuals who know our strengths and weaknesses.” “Ideas are our forte. We identify with our ideas.” “INTJs can usually be quite good at accepting constructive criticism, if the INTJ respects the person giving the criticism.” “Things like authority, rank, and seniority mean little to most INTJs. For better or for worse, if I think someone is wrong, I will say so, whether they be a colleague, a teacher, or the CEO of the company. What matters most to many INTJs is getting the correct solution; it doesn't matter who produces it.” “ I prepare thoroughly before giving a formal presentation.” “utter earnestness, sincerity, and thoroughness. And a systems-oriented, big-picture mind.” “We usually see things from a million perspectives.” “We can stay alone for a loooong time: because there is a party going on inside our heads. A 100 voices talking, debating with each other about the best course of action around something.” “I felt very alone and ostracized as a child and youth because I didn't value the same things other kids did, didn't act the way they did, was consistently at the top of any scored intellectual activity (which always makes you less popular), didn't know how to gain the acceptance of my peers and didn't quite have a language to describe these feelings to my parents or others.” “Super Human Analytical Skills. I rely on this instinct often and it serves me well. Usually my snap decisions and judgments are spot on and brutally harsh.” “I learn quickly, sometimes intuitively. I can ride a motorcycle, go to sleep, play a computer game or otherwise ‘turn off’ active thinking, and come back and sit down and know exactly how to solve extremely complex problems. It's not that I didn't think about it, but instead my mind thought about it for me.” “ I’m hardly ever bored, because there are worlds, inside worlds, inside worlds in my own head.” “I am also an intensely private person. Most of the time even my closest friends and family don't know exactly what I'm thinking about or feeling because I prefer to keep it to myself.”

Most people can't absorb that much information in one go. Their head gets full and they can't absorb any more.

Thank you for the response and for the welcome

I really like that you said "that is my nature and I am careful not to damage my nature." As much as I respect social rules and will make an effort not to cause negative emotions unnecessarily, I also feel like making it my aim to be palatable to everyone is in a way a betrayal of who I am as an individual.
I do somewhat envy ASD men in that sense - they are unapologetically themselves. Of course this causes it's own problems, but there are pros and cons to absolutely everything.

The INTJ self analysis is really fascinating! They definitely sound like ASD traits! I can see both my partner and myself in a lot of the quotes, but I am in fact INFP and my partner is INTP (he is pretty close to INTJ)
You are INTJ I'm assuming?

Yes, I definitely have seen evidence of that; that's part of my social problem - I am overflowing with information whilst hungrily collecting more. In a way I need to offload some of that information by sharing it with others, but sadly, a lot of the time they aren't interested.

I am a slightly different beast. I have two personality traits. I am an INTP and an INTJ. You can think of the INTP as the characteristic called INTELLIGENCE and INTJ as the characteristic called WISDOM. My INTJ personality protect my INTP. Wisdom steps in when all logic fails.

Most people transition through the normal stages of childhood development. I didn't. I stopped in the "pleasing four" stage. I am a child at heart, filled with the wonder and curiosity of a 4 year old. Most people develop a personality trait as they grow up and this becomes somewhat set in concrete. But the interesting thing is because I have not grown up, my personality trait is more like clay. It is moldable.

There is a goal that all Aspies should aspire to. There was a name for us throughout the generations. We were called nonconformist. These quotes summarize what we should become. But you have to develop a pretty thick skin in order to make that transition.

Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do. – Rob Siltanen: Apple, "Think Different" campaign

It gives me great pleasure indeed to see the stubbornness of an incorrigible nonconformist warmly acclaimed. - Albert Einstein

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. - Mark Twain

Our wretched species is so made that those who walk on the well-trodden path always throw stones at those who are showing a new road. - Voltaire

Not all those who wander are lost. - J.R.R. Tolkien

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life. - Winston Churchill

Do not follow where the path may lead. Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

A "normal" person is the sort of person that might be designed by a committee. You know, "Each person puts in a pretty color and it comes out gray." - Alan Sherman

The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself. - Friedrich Nietzsche

The average man is a conformist, accepting miseries and disasters with the stoicism of a cow standing in the rain. - Colin Wilson

Freedom began on the day the first sheep wandered away from the herd. ― Marty Rubin

If you can learn to offload just the little bit of info people need at the moment people will appreciate your help a good deal more.

Thank you for those quotes; they are great! I'll have to make a note of some of them.

You remind me of myself actually; of the part of me specifically referred to in the topic of this thread - you collect information and like to share it when you feel it's appropriate. I appreciate that

It's good that you have both intelligence and wisdom. The combination of the two makes it much safer for you to exist in this world in a child-like state.

I also agree with your sentiment about the beauty of being a "nonconformist"; it's a difficult thing, but it's something to be proud of, in most cases.

The interesting thing I find is that often people don't really want help, even if it sounds like they're actively asking for it. It's a weird aspect of socialising that I've observed - often NT people will just talk for the sake of talking, whilst I take everything they say seriously and do my best to respond with something practical, in fact, all they wanted was a template social response such as "sounds tough" or "it'll be alright" or "yeah, totally". You know what I mean?

One way to avoid overloading or overwhelming your listener is to ask questions designed to learn the depth of their interest and understanding. For instance I love to garden, especially roses. Perhaps someone politely says, "Oh, I love roses too! Which variety would you recommend for this area?"

Now you need to know whether they really plan to grow any, and in addition whether they want them for cutting, landscaping, or merely as a specimen; do they care if the rose is fragrant, blooms all summer or only once; can they site the plant in full sun or only part-day sun; etc. So my response might be, "There are many factors to consider. Are you planning on adding roses to your yard?" and follow-up questions from there.

If you're not a rose lover, you are no doubt already overwhelmed with the range of questions! But in any case, most people like to talk about themselves and judicious use of questions is a great conversational skill.

That is good advice, thank you. This actually makes me realise that when I do offload information on people, I probably do it quite selfishly at times; so I shouldn't complain unless I make a full effort to ensure that they want to receive the specific kind of information I'm offering.

It sounds like you are pretty good at fitting in with NTs; would you say so?

p.s. it's so cool to see a glimpse of your passion for roses. I love seeing people being passionate

Normal people assume that everyone is alike. I want what she wants. If a rose is good enough for your yard, she wants it too!