High-Functioning Autistic Woman Fed Up with Camouflaging

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Hey all,

I'm 26 years old and just found out that I have high-functioning ASD within the last year. For most of my life, I've camouflaged just adequately enough to not have my autism recognized in any sort of useful way, but poorly enough to still always be the social anomaly. I also have ADHD, so that seems to have helped in concealing my autism as well. I've reached a point of being totally fed up with changing/controlling everything about myself to make NeuroTypicals comfortable (no offense meant to you NTs); it's so taxing and draining, and I no longer have the mental or emotional energy for it.
At the same time, my newfound intolerance for the societal demand that I camouflage doesn't eliminate my need for social interaction, so I've been attempting to find others like myself. The thing is, I feel like I'm not even that similar to most other aspies that I've encountered. The most concise way I can think of to describe myself is as a combination of the characters Sheldon Cooper and Amy Farrah Fowler from The Big Bang Theory (Yes, I know that's a problematic show. It just happens to have the two characters to whom I most relate) - and I don't encounter others like that very often.
So I guess I'm here to inquire: Are there more people like that - like this - out there? How do I find them??

Best,

Lavender

First, Welcome Aboard! I hope you find your stay here rewarding.

Second, we're all different from each other -- there is no single ASD 'type'.

Third, how do you find people like you? You already have!

(Confused?)

Many of us are also tired with camouflaging, masking, or just pretending to be something we are not in order to keep the people around us from treating us badly -- THAT is where you'll find the similarity. Many of us also have ADHD or other 'comorbids'. We have all experienced everything from simple misunderstand to outright cruelty at the hands of people who would not tolerate how different we are from them; so even if we are not the same, we are closer to each other than we are to the neurotypicals around us.

Again, Welcome Aboard!

Welcome!

I agree with Fnord in that we are all different. Which means that trying to find others exactly like you will be hard.

I merely look for acceptance. People who accept that I am different and still treat me with respect.

I socialize by meeting people who share my special interests. I am so good at what I do that many people aren't really that surprised to find out that I'm different when they meet me in person.

How did adhd helped conceal you asd? I also have a late diagnostic with adhd and I was wondering if it has something to do with me flying under the radar.

Welcome to Wrong Planet, Lavender.

Firstly, I agree with what's already been said. I think it's also worth remembering that you don't have to treat these things as absolutes. Masking is just a tool, though as you well know, there's a price to be paid for using it. But there are some situations where I find that the cost is worth paying in the short-term when the alternatives are likely to hurt me more - particularly with people who are highly intolerant of difference, but whom I'll have very little contact with. Pragmatically, ten minutes of masking can just be a lot easier than getting sucked into a lengthy, unwinnable debate sometimes. I see it as a cost/benefit ratio to manage rather than as an absolute ideological choice, and little different to the way that NT people show different facets of themselves in different contexts. I vary it depending upon who I'm with and where I am, and sometimes suppress some traits but not others (I've found that stopping eye contact seems to be quite a good "ice-breaker", but that will depend on what you find easiest to explain to people.)

Taking a less absolute approach may help in another way, too. You may be surprised how much you have conditioned yourself to mask; to the point that it's not as easy to switch off as you imagine. This might lead to disappointment or frustration if you were intending to simply let the mask go all at once - so allowing yourself to do it more gradually can take a bit of pressure off yourself and make any unexpected reactions from people less demoralising.

And finally; if you are going to take your mask down anyway, there is little to be lost by casting your net wider for friendship. I have several good NT friends who just so happen to be the kind who have little problem with my unmasked self. Other friends are autistic people with whom I only share a few traits, but it doesn't really matter - because I only see them in contexts where it doesn't really matter (a trite example: you don't have to like the same paintings to enjoy music together.) This does require a bit of thick skin, because some people, both autistic and non-autistic, will reject your unmasked self - but then, nor would you have truly been friends with them if you presented your masked self; so nothing is really lost.

I hope you find Wrong Planet as beneficial and enjoyable as I have.

You need to find more time finding yourself before you can match up with other people like you.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0163187/
Premise of Runaway Bride. She spends so much time being the ideal mate for someone...
Just like camouflaging.

Welcome to WP!