Are Friendships Just Business Transactions?

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Recently, I (an 18-year-old about to enter my second year of college) have been attempting to improve my social skills. My main issue, though, is struggling to understand how neurotypical people can approach these relationships so casually. To me, friendships just seem like an exchange of services: Person A and Person B decide to be friends. Due to this, Person A will occasionally provide Person B with companionship and will do favors for them, and Person B reciprocates each individual act. This goes on until one person dies or if a person leaves the friendship after no longer finding it satisfactory. I'm probably being way too business-minded about this, but I honestly can't see how friendships are anything more than business transactions. Can someone please help me see this in a more relaxed, informal way?

It does seem that way sometimes----doesn't it?

It's a real pain in the butt for me, quite frankly.

People shouldn't rely on others so much, in my opinion.

I look at friendships as a matter of sharing of loyalties: I got your back if you have mine. Like an alliance. I guess others have warm and fuzzy feel good views on friendship. Particularly women, the stereotype being that they get together and drink margaritas and talk about men and cry together and hug eachother. Def not me.

No, I don't think a true friendship would operate as a business relationship, rather, a good friend to me would be a like a friendly game of catch in a nice park or a nice yard. It would also be where one climbs a tree and the other stands on the outside and makes sure to catch the other when they fall. They also would encourage that person to climb three or tell them that the tree is too dangers. It also goes to vise verses.

A business relationship would be more empty, in which both parties are in a relationship for the wrong reasons and happen to just be using each other for things.

You can look at a friendship like a social transaction

Both parties give each other things



With the exception of rent a friend and dowry, money is usually not the main point

Although sometimes money is involved

It can be kind of like a business transaction with a lot of, like, trust and intimacy involved. If you don't understand trust and intimacy, I can see how it might seem entirely transactional and sort of "arm's length."

Friendships can be almost like dating in their complexity and nature of the relationship. But they have one thing in common in that both parties kind of know (intuitively) that a friendship exists.

If you make an mutual agreement to meet up again you could call this the start of a friendship.

But in college you can have study groups, assignment groups etc...where it gets a little more complex and can be transactional in terms of how much each party (in the group) derive benefit from the group activities.

Nt perspective. . . . . I have struggled for 4yrs to maintain a friendship with a male aspie (I am female)
It has often felt from my perspective that he views it as just a business relationship. If he needs or wants something he contacts me to see if I’m available, and then long periods where I hear nothing.
For me friendship is about valuing a particular person for their morals, their humour, their knowledge and their personality. It makes me care for them. So I am willing to go out of my way to help a good friend. I will try to think of things they might like to do and invite them along. I would include them in my social events if they wanted. NT friends often tell each other what they like and respect about each other. They notice if the other is struggling and go out of their way to help them either emotionally or physically.
Obviously these differences in needs or wants from a friendship can make it difficult within a cross spectrum friendship I would often feel “used” and my friend would often find me emotionally “needy” I often felt really hurt by what I perceived as his insensitivity.
After a longish break from each other my friend reached out to me, our friendship seems to be good again. I have learnt to just enjoy his company and the times he organises for us to do things and have no expectations from him. In return he is a lot more generous with his time and thoughtfulness around me. . . . .. . It has been a steep learning curve for me, but I do believe he appreciates me and our friendship just shows it in different ways. . . .. . . .. my NT friends don’t like him and feel he takes advantage of my good nature. . . .. but he often does v sweet and kind things for me. I wonder if he does see it as a business relationship. It’s an interesting thought.

No sexual tension. . . . . . . I don’t think he sees the friendship in that way now. . . .. He has done some really nice things for me recently that he didn’t “need” to do. I think we have just learnt a lot better how to manage a friendship of two very different people. I find it interesting tho that the initial poster described friendship as being a business transaction because that is often how it has felt. . .. . .. the changing point was when I had stopped all contact and he actually reached out to me after several months . . . . And not because he needed anything. Made me realise perhaps he did value my friendship, but It may also have been that his “new” friend that he dropped me for had given up on him. . . . . . . . . I don’t question, I don’t have expectations.. . . I enjoy the friendship when it’s there and get on with my life when it’s not

I don’t think there was ever sexual tension. I think i was his “special interest” for a while? Possibly? Bombarding me with attention. . . . Then when that suddenly turns and stops, and you are the one being accused of being too needy, it is very confusing. . . .. . . ,

Also he always surrounds himself with females and avoids males. I think maybe early bullying may have made him wary?

Childhood bullying isn't the only reason to spend more time with females...there's the Georgie Porgy factor as well...

They aren't that, but they ARE that. They are business transactions, but the participants rarely ever consciously think of them that way.

You bond with someone, and start hanging out together. And become friends.

Sometimes people reassess friendships with people, and (myself included) will actually break it down that way. And think to myself (sometimes with the prompting of a therapist when talking about the situation) "what do I GET from being friends with this person?". But its rare that you actually reduce to that crass a level. Usually its just an emotional bond you get with person.

There is a psychoanalytic theory that states all our interactions are transactions - It's called Transactional Analysis

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis