Jaded and Frustrated

Page 1 of 2 [ 31 posts ] Go to page 1, 2 Next

Joined: 9 Aug 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,765

29 Jul 2019, 7:41 am

I've still never had a girlfriend and that doesn't look like it's going to change anytime soon. The resulting depression from that has caused me to behave in ways that have created other major problems I need to deal with, like weight gain.

I can't move out of home because I've got no one to move out with now, and if I moved out alone I wouldn't be able to save much money which would leave me in am unfavourable position. I don't have any desire to move in with roommates who I don't know, and I'd rather stay home than do that. There's only a small area radius where I can move out due to needing to get to work and not having a car.

I don't have a car, have no one to teach me to drive and I don't even know if I'd be cut out for driving. I really wouldn't want to cause an accident, but there's no real way of knowing if driving is going to be something I'd be able to do anyway, but not being able to drive is inconvenient.

I'm in a low-paying job that isn't going anywhere and I want to do better for myself, but I don't know what career to aim for, or how to figure it out, or how to get into that career after completing study. I'm dissatisfied but don't know what to do.

Overall I'm just sick of a lot of things. I don't feel that I have enough space in my house, I can't get a car or drivers license, I don't know what to do about my job situation, and nothing is changing with my f***ing pathetic lack of a love life which has been the bane of my existence for 10 years. I don't know what point there is to continue going when I don't see myself getting to a place where I feel content with my life. Quite frankly I often wonder why I'm still here, and why I haven't decided to end it all.

I wouldn't care if I knew the world or my life was ending because that would put me out of my misery.

kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

29 Jul 2019, 10:46 am

Do you know somebody who could take you out to a mall parking lot (carpark) and start teaching you how to drive there?

It took me a while to learn to drive----but I did it!

I didn't know if I was "cut out" for driving, either. My mother didn't think I would ever learn to drive----but I did!

Trueno
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 2 Jul 2017
Age: 69
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,788
Location: UK

29 Jul 2019, 10:51 am

I was a late learner driver. I thought it would never happen.

Best wishes GI

_________________
Steve J

Unkind tongue, right ill hast thou me rendered
For such desert to do me wreak and shame

Prometheus18
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 18 Aug 2018
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,866

29 Jul 2019, 10:53 am

Why don't you just try learning to drive? It takes a lot of perseverance, but you'll manage it in the end. I'm also told that this increases the level of your appeal with the opposite sex.

SecretOpossumCabal
Snowy Owl

Joined: 9 Jan 2017
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 155
Location: Boston

29 Jul 2019, 11:18 am

Do not do NOT fall into the trap of thinking that a girlfriend will solve your depression, it will NOT. Nor are women interested in 'saving you', throw this emotion away, you will NEVER fulfill it and I see all too common among young men.

Do you NEED to move out? Moving out will only making discovering who you are/what you want to do more difficult, as you will have much less time to entertain hobbies, if your host is ok with you staying where you are, (especially if you dont have any bills to pay) then stay there and try to put some funds into entertaining new hobbies that you might have an interest in.

IMO, start working out and focusing on improving yourself and discovering what you like to do, at your age you can well master anything with enough time and discipline, and don't fall into endless distractions. Men have a very dormant capacity that is incredible when unleashed, that is, when we find our calling we gain a sense of duty that is unconquerable, working out keeps your mind sharp towards this direction, so this you HAVE to do. Men with a sense of duty are not at all phased by the lack of a love life, thus this sense of duty is a trait which young powerless men NEED to acquire on their journey starting out, as it gives us a patience that allows us to endure this powerless phase in our lives, in our 20's we're discovering who we are, in our 30's we gain agency in who we are, then in our 40's mastership over who we are.

But you have to focus on yourself, exterior circumstances will not save you or make you feel better, it's going to have to come from within you, but you have that capacity, you just have to explore who you want to become. This will require a LOT of patience, but so does any other endeavor worth pursuing. So BE patient!

Prometheus18
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 18 Aug 2018
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,866

29 Jul 2019, 11:21 am

SecretOpossumCabal wrote:

Do not do NOT fall into the trap of thinking that a girlfriend will solve your depression, it will NOT. Nor are women interested in 'saving you', throw this emotion away, you will NEVER fulfill it and I see all too common among young men.

Do you NEED to move out? Moving out will only making discovering who you are/what you want to do more difficult, as you will have much less time to entertain hobbies, if your host is ok with you staying where you are, (especially if you dont have any bills to pay) then stay there and try to put some funds into entertaining new hobbies that you might have an interest in.

IMO, start working out and focusing on improving yourself and discovering what you like to do, at your age you can well master anything with enough time and discipline, and don't fall into endless distractions. Men have a very dormant capacity that is incredible when unleashed, that is, when we find our calling we gain a sense of duty that is unconquerable, working out keeps your mind sharp towards this direction, so this you HAVE to do. Men with a sense of duty are not at all phased by the lack of a love life, which is something that young powerless men need to acquire, as it gives us a patience that allows us to endure this powerless phase in our lives, in our 30's we gain agency then in our 40's mastership.

But you have to focus on yourself, exterior circumstances will not save you or make you feel better, it's going to have to come from within you, but you have that capacity, you just have to explore who you want to become. This will require a LOT of patience, but so does any other endeavor worth pursuing. So BE patient!

Damned good advice. I do think moving out will help Mr. Inquisitor, but only if he is then living by himself; moving in with friends, you're quite right, won't help him to "find himself", but quite the opposite.

smudge
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 Sep 2006
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,716
Location: Moved on

29 Jul 2019, 11:45 am

Do you have many friends who are women?

_________________
I've left WP.

kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

29 Jul 2019, 12:21 pm

I have found that being friends with women----helped me understand women better.

The Grand Inquisitor
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 9 Aug 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,765

29 Jul 2019, 9:35 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:

Trueno wrote:

I was a late learner driver. I thought it would never happen.

Best wishes GI

Prometheus18 wrote:

Why don't you just try learning to drive? It takes a lot of perseverance, but you'll manage it in the end. I'm also told that this increases the level of your appeal with the opposite sex.

Of the four things I listed, learning to drive is the least important to me. The first being the girlfriend thing, the second being the job thing, and the third being the home thing. Driving makes the list mainly because it's something that has the capacity to help with the first three. If I didn't need to drive for the first three to come together, I'd be okay with not driving, but not being able to drive seems like it's going to impact these other things.

I don't have anybody to teach me to drive at all. My mum never got a license, and she seems to feel similarly about me as kraftie's mum felt about him. I am also legally blind in my right eye. Glasses improve my vision significantly in my lazy eye, but I probably don't have as good peripheral vision as people with better vision, so I'm not even sure whether I'd be allowed to drive in the first place, and if I was, whether my vision issues might have a negative effect on my driving that could be dangerous. I think more than likely I'd be allowed to drive with my glasses but not without them. If not, I'm almost certain I'd be allowed to drive if I had contact lenses, but I had a couple of issues with my contacts the last time I had a pair.

I could try going for my learners license but then the question ends up being what do I do next?

The Grand Inquisitor
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 9 Aug 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,765

30 Jul 2019, 8:21 am

SecretOpossumCabal wrote:

Well it depends why you're depressed, doesn't it? A lot of my depression directly comes from my lack of success with women, so it doesn't make sense that getting a girlfriend wouldn't help anything. If relationships weren't enriching in some way, nobody would get into them, so this idea that getting a girlfriend won't help my depression when an inability to do so is largely the cause of it doesn't make much sense.

SecretOpossumCabal wrote:

Do you NEED to move out? Moving out will only making discovering who you are/what you want to do more difficult, as you will have much less time to entertain hobbies, if your host is ok with you staying where you are, (especially if you dont have any bills to pay) then stay there and try to put some funds into entertaining new hobbies that you might have an interest in.

I don't need to move out per se, but reasons for me to want to are stacking up. I live with my mum in a small unit and I don't feel as though I have enough space, and there are things I'd like to have in the house, like my own tv and that sort of thing that there just isn't enough space for. Also, if my mum and I have a difference of opinion on how the house or space should be organised, or something like that, my opinion isn't going to count for as much as hers, which is understandable, but not a dynamic I particularly care for. I also don't do my own washing, cooking or anything like that, and I'd like to, but I'm so used to not having to in this environment that starting to do these things seems very hard. Living independently would force me to do these things in a way that living at home just isn't going to.

There's also the fact that if I did meet someone, I'd be in a much more favourable position if I had my own place to take them.back to.

There's also the fact that, because we're in public housing, the amount we pay in rent is based on our income, but my income won't be factored into that equation until I turn 24, and if I'm going to have to pay more rent, I'd rather do so in an environment where I have more space and am able to arrange things how I please. I'll be 23 in a couple of weeks, so unless I want to start paying more of my income towards the rent, I have a year to move out.

Even if I don't move out now, it's concerning to me that I don't have a reasonable path available to do so in the future. I don't want to get to 30, or 35 and be in the same situation, so something will have to change before then, and the sooner I can figure out how to facilitate that change, the better. Even if I don't enact it straight away.

So while I don't need to move out necessarily, the way I see it there are a lot of benefits to doing so, and not moving out yet would be more fine if I had the ability to move out when I decide the time is right.

In terms of hobbies and interests, there isn't a lot to work with there. In all honesty I just don't do very much, and frankly I'm not interested in doing very much, and I'd imagine this has to do with depression to some degree. The closest thing to a hobby I have nowadays is listening to podcasts on politics, social issues, those sorts of things. I don't tend to leave my house very much other than for work and sometimes for socialising, but there is nothing compelling to leave my house for. When it comes to socialising I don't tend to initiate anything nowadays, I just go and socialise with others when they initiate. Platonic relationships have become fairly unimportant to me.

SecretOpossumCabal wrote:

IMO, start working out and focusing on improving yourself and discovering what you like to do, at your age you can well master anything with enough time and discipline, and don't fall into endless distractions. Men have a very dormant capacity that is incredible when unleashed, that is, when we find our calling we gain a sense of duty that is unconquerable, working out keeps your mind sharp towards this direction, so this you HAVE to do. Men with a sense of duty are not at all phased by the lack of a love life, thus this sense of duty is a trait which young powerless men NEED to acquire on their journey starting out, as it gives us a patience that allows us to endure this powerless phase in our lives, in our 20's we're discovering who we are, in our 30's we gain agency in who we are, then in our 40's mastership over who we are.

But you have to focus on yourself, exterior circumstances will not save you or make you feel better, it's going to have to come from within you, but you have that capacity, you just have to explore who you want to become. This will require a LOT of patience, but so does any other endeavor worth pursuing. So BE patient!

Working out is something I want to do, but I struggle to establish a routine with it. I generally don't have any energy left when I get home from work, and I already get up early in the morning for work, generally not having gotten enough consecutive hours sleep. I often go to sleep a half hour or so after getting home from work, so from about 3:00pm to 3:30pm, and wake up again around 6 or 7, and then generally have a difficult time getting back to sleep at 11 or 12, with 5 or 6 hours sleep for the night if I'm lucky. I just generally don't have much energy.

I also don't have much space at home for working out, as I said my house is very small, and I do have a gym membership, but on the rare occasion that I go, I feel awkward working out around other people. This is another way in which getting my own place may have the capacity to be helpful.

I don't ever see myself not being fazed by a lack of love life given the circumstances.

I wanted to start dating ever since I was 12, and not only did that never end up happening, I had to watch my peers date while I couldn't and I became fed up by having to watch pretty much everyone else partake in an activity that was really important to me that also never happened for me. The whole dating thing is difficult because it encompasses the past, the present, and the future. I never got to date in my teens when most people start dating, and there's a large part of me that is bitter about that. I can't date now and so that bitterness is exacerbated. And I don't know if I'll ever get to date in the future, given the precedent that's been set. I'd 100% rather just be buried now than never ever get to date, or even not have a relationship before I turn 30. I understand that patience is important, but after over 10 years, I have no more patience.

I'm firmly convinced that life would have turned out very differently for me if I'd had a normal dating trajectory and a relationship history by now. Being alone would be more palatable if I wasn't singled out as someone who never ever gets a taste of romance despite craving it. I think exclusion is something that I've always been sensitive about, and this feels like just about the most ultimate form I can think of. I think if my 15 year-old self had known that I'd get to 23 without ever having a girlfriend, I probably would have killed myself then and there.

The Grand Inquisitor
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 9 Aug 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,765

30 Jul 2019, 8:23 am

smudge wrote:

Do you have many friends who are women?

Not many. None that I would consider myself close with.

kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 87,510
Location: Queens, NYC

30 Jul 2019, 9:33 am

Go for the "learners license," called a "learner's permit" in the US. See what happens. If you feel you have difficulty with peripheral vision, then go no further. But you might not. Try the mall parking lot/carpark.

Sometimes, one eye could fully compensate for the lackings in the other eye.

It's just much easier to drive in most places than it is to take public transportation.

If my wife were forced to take public transportation, it would take her at least an hour to get to work every day (an hour under IDEAL conditions). She drives to work, and takes only 15-20 minutes.

IstominFan
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 25 Nov 2016
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,114
Location: Santa Maria, CA.

30 Jul 2019, 10:25 am

I was a late bloomer in the driving department, too, probably one of the oldest first time licensed drivers here, at 48. I never thought it would happen. In 2017, I did something really stupid and couldn't drive for three long months, but I got my license back. I am going to be extremely careful from now on and use my common sense. I would like to attempt more out of town trips in the future, but common sense tells me I shouldn't at this time.

As for dating, that is one area I will likely have to wait a long time for, if it ever is a possibility for me.

shortfatbalduglyman
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 4 Mar 2017
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 10,600

30 Jul 2019, 10:30 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

I've still never had a girlfriend and that doesn't look like it's going to change anytime soon.

Match for com

However even if you don't get a girlfriend, "life" goes on

They reject you, but not necessarily because there is something wrong with you

A lot of people just want dates that are similar to them

Maybe you are different

The resulting depression from that has caused me to behave in ways that have created other major problems I need to deal with, like weight gain.

Counseling

Medication

Support group

Books

s**t I do the same thing.

Emotional overeating every day

Or every meal

I can't move out of home because I've got no one to move out with now, and if I moved out alone I wouldn't be able to save much money which would leave me in am unfavourable position. I don't have any desire to move in with roommates who I don't know, and I'd rather stay home than do that. There's only a small area radius where I can move out due to needing to get to work and not having a car.

Some cities have better public transportation

Although those cities $$$$$$$$$.

I don't have a car, have no one to teach me to drive and I don't even know if I'd be cut out for driving.

Driver's ed

Not many people are "cut out" for driving

That doesn't stop them from driving

I really wouldn't want to cause an accident, but there's no real way of knowing if driving is going to be something I'd be able to do anyway, but not being able to drive is inconvenient.

Nobody wants to crash the car.

They still crash the car.

Then they drive again

I'm in a low-paying job that isn't going anywhere and I want to do better for myself, but I don't know what career to aim for, or how to figure it out, or how to get into that career after completing study. I'm dissatisfied but don't know what to do.

Books

Overall I'm just sick of a lot of things.

Likewise

Me too

I don't feel that I have enough space in my house, I can't get a car or drivers license, I don't know what to do about my job situation, and nothing is changing with my f***ing pathetic lack of a love life which has been the bane of my existence for 10 years. I don't know what point there is to continue going when I don't see myself getting to a place where I feel content with my life. Quite frankly I often wonder why I'm still here, and why I haven't decided to end it all.

Nobody knows "why" they are alive

There doesn't have to be a good reason

I wouldn't care if I knew the world or my life was ending because that would put me out of my misery.

smudge
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 Sep 2006
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,716
Location: Moved on

30 Jul 2019, 10:40 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

smudge wrote:

Do you have many friends who are women?

Not many. None that I would consider myself close with.

Do you want a bigger circle of women friends? Because I think it's more likely you will get used to women and know better how to get a girlfriend.

_________________
I've left WP.

Summer_Twilight
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 13 Sep 2011
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 5,254

30 Jul 2019, 12:32 pm

Hold on, you are only 22 years old and just because you are where you do not mean your life is over. Just because you don't know what you want to do with your life career-wise does not mean your life is over. What are your hobbies and interests? Maybe go and focus on those while working there. As for living on your own, it sounds like you have an option to save up your money while at your parent's house and then move out when you are ready. In the meantime, learn independent living skills.

Page 1 of 2 [ 31 posts ] Go to page 1, 2 Next

Jump to:

Jaded and Frustrated Post Reply New Topic

Jaded and Frustrated