When The Masking Falls.

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Most of us have watched Star Trek when the chief engineer has to divert all energy into warp speed for a quick getway at the expense of weakening their shield generator...
Where "The ship can't take any more Captain!" Type of remarks are heard.
I feel the same in recent years. Despite my years of skills and qualifications in retail sales, they have fallen at my feet. It has come to a head where (I am in the last week of a temporary job assembling bicycles in a well known retail store) even though there is a new part time job vacancy at the store I am working in as someone has left, and even though I am well over qualified for the position through both experience and actual qualifications achieved... (Is a come down from where I once was as at one time I was head of a bicycle department), the store manager told a work collegue who was trying to push me into the position that I wasn't suitable, and rather then fight my case as I would have done in the past, I have to admit that honestly I am not suitable in my current state as I would have a breakdown or something. I am too fragile to consider it. My shields are down. I don't even have warp speed flight mode left to use! I am like a drifting space ship with just enough energy for life support... No longer able to defend myself or even run!

My masks have broken down, but the unmasked me is still hiding as it feels exposed and vunerable.

Yet go back 15 or 20 or so years ago and I was one of the most amazing battleships in the galaxy able to take on any task with the best shields a ship could have... I used to take on anything! I was armed with years and years of "Shield" masking experience and training behind me.
But the errosion of ones shielding systems by the mental errosions of sleep deprivation deto various ever changingshifts along with shock after shock after funeral after funeral of family, loved ones and relations... I have gone from having a huge well equipped fighting fleet to just me and my Mum and a cousins eldest boy with one cousin (The rest have abandoned the fleet and don't want to rejoin) and two brothers, one with children... The other has a wife... We are a motley fleet of drifters...
No wonder we are battle scarred. No wonder I, being an ex awesome battleship is now on life support and drifting...

The battle is not over. More adventures remain...
But the masking is down and needs repair. The weapons in life need reloading. The generators need bringing back online!

Yes. I need an assessment. I need to know where I am. I need a damage report which means my "Craft" needs first to be identified as autistic or NT ad what type it is... So I can order parts! I need patching up! I desperately need repairs... I drift until the crew can assess me. When that will be I don't know. When they assess me then I can see what I need. Get this battle ship back online, or maybe convert it to an effective cargo cruiser to aid a new battleship... Anyone want to join me when I am ready? Haha!

I once encountered a guy who had what one might call a great "radio" voice. What one might call deep and sonorous. I asked him if he worked in radio and he said that he did have an offer, but he was too intimidated by the prospect of being on the radio in case he made a mistake.

I suggested that all radio people make mistakes. The trick was to have a "tool box" full of good "recovery" lines to use so that one could recover quickly from blowing it.

In a similar way, one might excuse mask dropping by saying;

I'm sorry, I have one of those tension headaches.
I'm sorry, I didn't sleep right last night.
I'm sorry, I find I am getting distracted more frequently lately and I don't know why.

One can also include a little humor;

I'm sorry, my parole officer says that if I kill one more person, I could really get in trouble.
I'm sorry, my medication usually keeps me from hallucinating.
I'm sorry, I am trying to figure out how to blame Trump.

Mask wearing can be taxing. One may have to search for a situation where one needs to wear a mask less frequently, or can get away with less of one.

Oh MG .. Autistic burnout ... know it all too well. Sorry you’re experiencing this, but it’s clearly a signal, to make changes, and abort the mission for a time. In my case, I wound up with pneumonia at 26, and then pleurisy. Needed to retreat as I’d become a workaholic, and had pushed and pushed myself beyond all limits. Could no longer function on auto pilot. Needed to retreat for 3 months. Go easy on yourself, you need TLC. I found a good article for you...https://boren.blog/2017/01/26/autistic- ... d-passing/

Not possible to make changes as already have to the extent that most years I have no income as I don't work. Currently I had to take a temporary part time job to keep car on the road, as living here needs a car. This week is the last few days. Four hour a day shifts are a bit much for me these days so I don't see how I can work again and earn enough to support myself. Can't sign on as I have to be available for full time work.... Also can't cope with signing on anymore so most of the last ten years I have had no income or the occasional seasonal temporary job all being minimum wage and part time low hours (Not that I cn do any more these days).
Maybe I am getting old? Haha!
Trying to de-stress. The more I try the more people see I have days with nothing so try to fill it for me and we a continual convayorbelt of visitors.
My Mum and I often spend the day out in the cr just driving to have a day off from entertaining, though long car journeys are not really relaxing or resting.
We seem to average about two seperate visitor groups a day from a single person to about 14 to 16 people a time. My Mum seems to be a people magnet! Haha!

Just wrote you a response, went to post, and lost it, twice ! *Note to Self: Must save all future posts(VIPs) ... aah!
Ok, let’s see, I wrote something about, how you and your mum must be incredibly, warm, hospitable people who friends/family just love to be around. Either that, or you’re baking is bringing people in from miles around ? Your life is stressing me out ! Everyone needs a little time to themselves, right? Don’t get me wrong, I love people ... I really do ... in small doses. I have people coming to stay next weekend, but they will leave after 2 days, and then I get to breathe again. I hear you on the work front, and hopefully the assessment and some support will help make a difference. You are not “old”. Yes, we’re all getting older. Still, you “need” time to yourself. So does your mum. You two sound lovely! Life is precious. Take good care of each other.

My Mum seems to attract people. I am sure though that if I am found to be on the spectrum that she is as well. I am friendly etc, but I tend to find difficulty in finding my own friends. I do have two friends but one I see once a year and the other I see every other month.
Other friends are more family friends (Usually my Mums friends) or my younger brothers friends as my youngest rother is very different and seems to need friends around him and attracts friends. I am the opposite in that I find it ever so hard to find good friends and I also find that I am an introvert who needs quiet times to recover.

So I read what you wrote and when it came to job, money, survival...I thought that it just doesn't make sense because of your intelligence and ability to reflect and humour.

I don't know star treck, I loved real stories.

What helped/helps me a lot is "knowledge" about trauma and the nervous system and our need to feel safe in order to thrive.

Thank you for the reply.

This is what I believe has happened. For the last decade I have hit burnout, which has worse now then it has ever been before.

Though I work (My last few days in work. Temp job) three or four days a week 4 hours a day, I struggle to get through the 4 hours as most if the time my body is weak (Limp mode) due to a continual partial shutdown. This morning it took me about 10 minutes to go from three parking spaces away to the shop as I couldn't walk until I had de-stressed. I keep hitting anxiety. It is wierd. I have a stressful thought (I can't help it) and I feel my body.... as if it squirts something into my blood supply which then starts off partial shutdowns.
The worse the day has been, the harder it is to recover. Why I can't take any job where it is not short term and part time and short hours per day. 4 hours a day means the first two hours pay for my transport and lunch... And also emergency tax etc.
Many years I earn nothing so no income. Some years I work part time averaging about 1k to 2k a year. Money goes to keep car on the road, as bus stop is 2 miles away, so when I feel like this I can't walk. My Mum now (Due to age) can't walk to or from the bus stop.
Mum pays for my food. I keep car on the road. She does not drive.
I slowly sell my trains (My special interest so I have collected them over 40 years), often at very low prices to keep car going in the years I have not worked.
I should be signing on at the jobcentre but I can't face the stress of it, and I am not allowed to unless I can say I work full time.
I can't do job interviews any more. Hence why the part time temp work in a place I habe worked many times before has been the only way I have managed to work. No interview. I know the staff. I know the work. I know the job. But I have deteriated so much now I can't see me ever working again. It has been soo hard. Two days left now I believe. The difficulties are hidden inside me. I try never to show. To show means fuss. Fuss means no recovery from shutting down. I expertly disguise partial shutdowns... But it means it is soo hard. Pretent to work by putting all energy just to lift my hand to make it look like I am working... Then staff member passes. I then have to sit down and recover before I can work again. Why I can't do shop floor work. Behind the scenes work is all I can manage.
I can't do it any more. Just the next two days will be incredibly tough. Only 4 hours a day, but really hard to do.
When I am relaxed and recharged I am physically strong. However, so many visitors keep coming on my days off in a continual stream. When I don't work people keep thinking they can book me to drive them places at my expense! or they ask me to do things as they say they don't have time... And according to them I have nothing to do all day....More stress then working! Ahhhhh! Have to keep quiet and not defend myself or I will say "I have to drive my Mum around all day (She has to often go to help many others who are not coping at times...She does not drive. She gives her all which means I habe to help her as I have to drive her and people try to get me to lift heavy things when I am shutting down, as they say my Mum is old... (Reality is my Mum is often stronger then me due to partial shutdowns etc). Partial shutdowns are "Hidden". They don't see the struggles. They refuse to believe. They claim I am lazy. If I speak out my Mum goes in tears as she feels she is holding me back because I drive her... I have to keep quiet. Take the blame.. Feel 100 times worse.).
Mum and I work very well as a team together as long as others keep their comments to themselves and don't keep visiting to try to get me to get involved in their things (They invite my Mum to places knowing that it will force me to be in social occasions as they feel I need more contact with people to help me.. AHHHH! I am trying to declutter my life so I can recover from long term burnout... Not for every day to be taken up with other people trying to get me to do their work for them!)
[Worked up. Keep making spelling mistakes. Keep altering what I write so I don't offend and to correct mistakes. AHHH! Then "Are you a robot" thing comes up... GRRR!].
Anyway. Just me getting stressed. Unloading my concerns... Sorry. Its not that bad. I am just being negative.

Just want to reassure, that where possible, I’m advising hastening assessment date via an advocate, if all else fails, due to concerns over health and ability to work. The demands being made of you, though well intentioned, are more harmful than helpful st this time. Hang in there, MG. will help wherever possible.

What would happen if you just tell a sincere doc that you can't work right now, that you need rest? What are you mainly afraid of?

Has been mentioned in the past, but back then I assumed the partial shutdowns were some sort of allergy which I was never able to trace.

To be honest, it is me, as if I have to be on sick, then I have to go to my local jobcentre to claim, which is the very place I don't want to go and also the reason why in the past I can't face signing on... Though I can't face working either due to partial shutdowns. (My last day which is a 4 hour shift is tomorrow. It has been tough).

Years ago I was more confident and able to mask myself through life... These days I am burnt out.

Okay, focus on surviving.
What do you need to survive another year, assumming you don't get better?

It's a burnout, the ship needs serious rebuilt and rearrangement, at the moment it's not obvious if you have enough power to keep the life support up. As your defences are low, seek for allies and safe space.

Feel like sending you a link of a traumatherapist who's videos really help me. He also does some in English.
If you'd like,let me know.

Thanks all.

I am hoping that things will quieten down soon.