Mom of ASD teen, needs help, looking for direction

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Hello! I am so thankful to have found this forum. I feel desperate for advice.

I am the parent (single mom) of a wonderful 17 year old girl who I suspect has High Functioning Autism. She has so many of the characteristics. A friend of ours son was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism. They have many qualities in common. We both noticed the similarities at the same time - she even brought it up, saying "I think I'm like him". It was after that I started reading about girls with autism, and how it manifests differently with girls than with boys. It explained so much! Everything, from the obsessions and collections, to the highly advanced language skills, texture sensitivities, physical sensitivities, need for order and routine (we have to drive by the same goat farm almost every day, just to see goats! or parking in the same place), the social issues of not fitting in with her peers, the need for social instruction and coaching. She is pretty and bright and hilariously funny, I think the differences are not always apparent to others right away.

I chose to pull her from public school at the end of 1st grade because she was not thriving in the chaotic public environment. A place opened up in a small Christian school. She thrived. They hired me to teach there, so it ended up I was always around if she needed me. It worked out really well. I have an enjoyable job. I was able to field some troubles, and give her support when she needed it. We have had the same schedule so I could be a parent on the job and at home. It has worked out really well.

It has also been lonely. I have no one to talk with about this (people don't seem to understand or know much about autism). Living the divorced biweekly visits to the alcoholic dad's house was super rough. it was hard on her. It seemed she has needed more time, attention and focus than the neurotypical kids I have known, so I did not date or remarry (I hope to someday, as she gains independence). We have many changes ahead as she prepares for adulthood. I don't know if I should get her tested so we have a definite diagnosis or just go with what we suspect? I'm low income with poor insurance so I don't know what I can afford. Her dad is in the picture, but only on the periphery. I have not talked to him about it, not sure he would handle it well.

I love my daughter very much, and I enjoy her. Her differences make her challenging but wonderful too. I want to do a good job and help her develop the skills she needs to function well as an adult. I don't know how much support she will need, or even how to determine and foster the degree of independence that is right for her. I wonder if it would help to get her tested, and about coming up with a game plan for this next leg of the journey.

Any help, advice or direction would be so appreciated!
Thank you

Hi there!

I'm a neurotypical (NT) person with more than a few autistic people and "Aspies" in her life, and I come here from time to time to learn more, chat or debate a little, and sometimes have a laugh with cyber-acquaintances. I can't answer your question, especially since I have no children of my own, but I think this link might help:

https://wrongplanet.net/dear-aspie-shou ... diagnosis/

Please know, though, that article and the round of responses are but one of many on the subject here.

I know that my local chapter of the Autism Society of America has a number of support groups, including one for parents of autistic teens. A chapter near you may have something similar, depending on where "near" is--and who knows....perhaps you (and maybe your friend) could be the start of something good...?

Here's the national website homepage: https://www.autism-society.org/

I hope this may help you on your journey. Welcome.

Dear HighlandBeekeeper-
have you tried searching for "parents of autistic children" groups on Meetup.com? that is how i found my aspie group way back when. you can also put in a request for a group to be formed, that is what i did. took a year, but a group formed eventually and i was invited in. best of luck to you

There are some Youtube videos by Tony Attwood about Aspergers in general as well as how it manifests with girls that are pretty good. There is a free pdf booklet about Aspergers "Aspergers and Intentional life" http://christianpioneer.com/blogarchiev ... e_2017.pdf

Also an Aspergers parenting booklet http://christianpioneer.com/blogarchiev ... g%20v2.pdf

You mentioned working in a Christian school. You may want to try some different churches and see if you can connect with one where the people are more engaged with each other. This might give you more support than you are finding now.

It is not uncommon for children with Aspergers to be delayed in social development. I observed in Mensa meetings many people in their late 20s and early thirties attempting to sort out social skills that NTs often dealt with in high school.

Hi and welcome . I have 3 adult children on the spectrum, all doing very well. My eldest has his own hair Salon in London, though studied Music(plays multiple instruments/writes, composes/has performed with a band in a video), my daughter has a Masters degree in psychology and works with autistic children and adults as a therapist, as well as a tutor. Both of my eldest have their own places to live. My youngest is turning 21 this year and is the only one diagnosed. I wound up home educating him, after finding he couldn’t cope in either private or public school. I’d worked with children with disabilities for many years, and in my own business, so was very passionate about education. He’s earned a place at a London Uni, and has been an actor/singer/songwriter for many years. He too plays multiple instruments. My advice would be to definitely go for a diagnosis, as your daughter will be able to access certain services should she need them. She sounds lovely! I’m hearing that she’s very “referenced” to the same routes, etc, so am wondering if you’ve been given any guidance on stretching the comfort zone. Eg. My youngest was the same when younger, but has now learned to take trains on his own and will travel anywhere needed. I would never have thought it possible, once. He is the only one left at home with me now, but will move out to be closer to Uni. All the best. Sounds like you’re doing an amazing job! I hear you in the lonely front ... have been in a very similar position. It does get better.

Based on my experience as an undiagnosed Aspie-like student (25 years ago): I think it's important for someone to understand what's easy and what is hard for her - and find ways to communicate that, positively.

I am reading through my college letters and it was rough (I had significant financial stress in addition to school stress). I read that it's rough for a lot of undiagnosed (as in unknown, I'm not implying an official diagnosis is required) young adults. My Aspie-like sister choose not go to college and struggled with alcoholism as a young adult. On the other hand, our 19yo neighbor is diagnosed and is distributing her course load over time and recognizes her limits and is less self-critical. I would have liked that for myself (and my sister).

I wish for that for my children. In May I realized my daughter is VERY Aspie-like (although her previous teachers didn't see it; I gave her current teacher some things to watch for). I am considering getting a "soft" diagnosis - free or reduced-fee, through school or a university program. For me too.

Kudos to you for supporting your daughter thus far and looking for additional knowledge and resources. Wishing you both well.