Who trained your social understanding when you were a child?

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I have been thinking about this recently. I have acquired the very useful skill of passing as neurotypical (on first impression anyway) when I want to. I still struggle to make real friends, but I've learnt to mostly navigate the NT social world. For years I proudly thought this was due to my own intelligence and hard work.

But I now realise my mother laid the foundations. A highly socially skilled neurotypical woman who, on seeing my natural lack of interest in people as a child valued my social education above my academic education.

I must of been a frustrating student with all my “but whys?” But she always gave me an answer that was logical to me. I know not everyone has had that. I'm very thankful to my mother for that.

I wanted to share that. I’m interested if anyone else can remember a kind and generous neurotypical who acted as interpreter and teacher when they were a kid.

Wow, I wish I had a parent like your mother! She sounds like she definitely had a good handle on how to raise a child.

My own parents didn't lay any of that groundwork for me that I can remember; they were very "hands-off" with my sociability, or lack of (my father was responsible for my younger brother and thus did not pay attention to me and my mother, who came from a very strict family background and was in her own way rebelling against that I suppose, believed that the best way to raise a child would be the OPPOSITE of her experience. To wit, she didn't guide me in a social direction in an attempt to let me develop my "own" personality and function...um...not sure how that was supposed to work, but I guess she had her reasons).

But that's not really what this thread is about so I'll stop myself there. Overall I think, similar to how you once did, that it's my own efforts and experiences that have enabled me to function in society to the extent that I can, as I have no recollection of any notable person teaching me those skills- I could be wrong, though. There very well could have been someone who was imparting that knowledge unto me and I simply didn't realize at the time and thus don't remember it now.

Not that how I manage my life even comes close to a NT function...but then, I'm not even entirely sure what makes a NT, and I'm also not sure when I'm actually passing under their radars! Talk about difficult to gauge.

I'd dare say no one. Mom and dad made sure me and my sister learned to say "thank you" and "you're welcome" when we were kids and that we knew to ask for permission before we ate or used anything at other people's houses, but I'd say those are just basic manners.

When I did something socially wrong, like not take a hand extended for a handshake, I was always told it's not okay to do that, but I was never told why not.

I got an asperger diagnosis around the age 9 or so, and started to get interested in the matter around the age of 12, which is also when I started self learning about the social skills that most already have by then from books and another autism forum.

I liked health care lessons in junior high though, for we were given lessons about how to act in a somewhat romantic and/or sexual relationships (since many start at that age.) We even got a notebook about that that had detailed advice about that and how to regocnize one's own feelings. Of course, I already realized back then that it didn't cover all the possible situations that could occur, but now I had at least some kind of direction on how society expects something to be handled so I liked the book.

Sound like from your replies that I was pretty lucky. I would have probably worked out most of what I know on my own, but my mother was a good early mentor.

Kudos to your mom in that area! (and hopefully many others)

My mom is ASD-like and in my childhood she was unwell and my NT father travelled a lot. Typical exchange: Mom - "you have no friends". Me, weakly "I have friends", Mom, yelling "No, you don't!" That's all the "help" I got from her personally. However, she did have the sense to drive me hours to drama classes, where I learned about appropriate expressions, and got me a therapist, whom didn't yell at me.

So, fast forward a generation: I am ASD-like (albeit emotive) and my husband though supposedly NT may be face-blind or have alexithymia. So for my ASD-like daughter (non emotive) --- I can teach her expressions and limited social reciprocity, but I am concerned neither my husband nor I can help her further. So I'm looking for outside resources.

Oh, and my daughter's daycare provider taught her basic niceties and social rules. Thank goodness for that positive influence!!

Nobody,as far as I can remember , trained my social understanding .

Nobody taught me anything, other than table manners which I learned by being a member of a yacht club.

I spent most of my time alone and ignored, living in my head. There really wasn't any active parenting. We didn't even eat meals together as a family while at home. I learned about relationships and communication from The Flintstones. I used to pretend to phone people and have the arguments that Fred had with Wilma or with his mother-in-law, because in real life I was selective mute and didn't express myself.

I'd say mainly my mother and my brothers (they are ten and twelve years older than me). And then, between ages 17-23, my ex. But their 'teaching' came mainly in the form of bossing me around about 'appropriate behaviour' or nagging me about things I said or did.

Oh, I forgot to mention books and TV.

Sound like my mum was kinda special (I already knew that). Sorry to hear most others had to work things out on their own or didn't exactly have "supportive" mentors.