Stressed over marriage proposal fallout.

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Joined: 16 Aug 2015
Age: 39
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Location: england

06 Oct 2019, 5:37 am

Where do I even begin.

Tuesday gone my partner had taken me out to a luxury Japanese restaurant which I love didn't think of anything ulterior about it just thought standard date.
The nice meal out enjoy company and sex when we get back kind of deal.

What I didn't expect was for him to propose so we sat there and he asks me to marry him and shows me the ring which is the style and design I always wanted except rather than white gold he's gone for platinum.

I know I love him to marry him but I rejected his proposal which would have hurt.
The rest of the meal went by in silence and the drive back was as well.

I tried to explain that I love him but I feel that getting married would be the following.
Stressful as we would need to prepare everything and think of who to invite.
The fact that eyes would be all on me and I'm clumsy as anything and I'm worried I would make a mistake.
I have a severe body image problem and I don't see myself looking pretty in a dress.
I also think of marriage as a form of suppression the fact you have to take his name though based on his relationship with his real dad he would take my name if it didn't look silly.
I tried to explain this and he said he's ok but he's been distant and he's gone quiet. I can't even get him to make love to me and I begged him to.

I feel like I wounded him badly he says it's fine and part of me does want to marry him it's the above that scares me.
I just feel every decision I do I hear it towards harming him as best as possible.

MaxE
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06 Oct 2019, 5:55 am

aspieprincess123 wrote:

I tried to explain that I love him but I feel that getting married would be the following.
Stressful as we would need to prepare everything and think of who to invite.
The fact that eyes would be all on me and I'm clumsy as anything and I'm worried I would make a mistake.
I have a severe body image problem and I don't see myself looking pretty in a dress.

Did you actually explain all this or merely try? Clearly he doesn't see any of this as an obstacle to getting married, after all it is you that would be standing next to him at the altar in a wedding gown, and that's exactly what he's hoping for.

aspieprincess123 wrote:

I also think of marriage as a form of suppression the fact you have to take his name though based on his relationship with his real dad he would take my name if it didn't look silly.

Regarding the name part, I thought a lot of people don't do this when they get married nowadays. My daughter-in-law didn't do it. I had told my wife I would be happy for her to keep her name, but she apparently chose not to because she had an issue with it being mispronounced (the pronunciation of my name is quite obvious). Nowadays she has said she might have kept her name if she had it to do over.

In a recent post you had mentioned that your partner had considered emigrating. Maybe you should try to emigrate to the US (I gather his technical skills are somewhat in demand). Here in the US we seem much less self-conscious about the things that seem to concern you, in fact I think some Europeans look down on us for our relative lack of concern regarding our body image.

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Amity
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06 Oct 2019, 6:34 am

Are you sure this is a forever relationship? Marriage doesnt need to be part of the equation for the two of you to be committed to eachother long term.

A wedding ceremony wouldn't need to be big, or involve fuss, it could just be the two of you and two witnesses, or perhaps a civil partnership is an option instead?
If he knew what type ring you've always wanted does this mean you have discussed marriage before now?

aspieprincess123
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06 Oct 2019, 10:00 am

Amity wrote:

I think we both would want a simple affair but I know both my parents and his would take over and start pushing for what they want. I do want to be with him forever I just don't think marriage is needed for that.

We never talked about marriage but I did mention that I like white gold or silver as I don't like the colour.

Maybe I overreacted cause I have this part of me that wants me to wear the dress and have him tell me how much he will look after me in in sickness and in health.

I just worry he now feels I don't love him. He was offered a job in Saudi Arabia as he's a Cisco CCNP qualified he easily gets double my wage and that's before overtime

Trueno
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06 Oct 2019, 10:41 am

Do you want to be married but don't want the ceremony?
If so, do what I did... don't tell anyone. Just go off to a registry office of your choice, wear what the hell you like and drag two witnesses off the street. Then go to a local pub, have a pint of Stella and a bag of nuts.
This may also save you a load of money which you can then spend on an amazing holiday.
Tell everyone you got married when you get back... they'll have to deal with it... or don't tell them!

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Amity
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06 Oct 2019, 1:59 pm

aspieprincess123 wrote:

Amity wrote:

Being connected to another person legally for the rest of your lives together is a big deal, once the state is involved neither of you can just walk away. Thats good and bad depending on your perspective.
If you don't want to get married, dont do it, but you will need to reflect on why exactly this is... if I proposed to someone and they couldn't give me a specific reason for the rejection I might assume they weren't serious about being with me long term.

The 'in sickness and health' part, is just words, words that can be said while in the pretty dress at a blessing ceremony that just the two of you attend.

I prefer to not be married (again) and never be taken for granted, because I will retain my independence and the ability to walk away without anything tying me in place.

How do you react to surprises normally? Some autistic people tend to dislike them, even if they are pleasant surprises.
I think you need to have a very honest discussion with him and soon, the longer you leave it the longer he has to fill in the blanks with assumptions.

Saudi is not a place I would choose to move to, it wouldn't matter what good intentions your hubby would have, it's the culture that would dictate your quality of life. If you are quite liberal, you could find it a place that's the complete opposite of your value system.

ASPartOfMe
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06 Oct 2019, 5:02 pm

As far as not looking good in a wedding gown or dress the only two people whose opinions matter are him and you and since he proposed and has had frequent sex with you he is fine with your body.

As mentioned above you do not have to take his name. My sister in law retains her original family name. I am guessing here but he might be old school and expects you to take his name and is offended you do not want to do that, maybe he feels the same way about a traditional wedding, you have to ask him.

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aspieprincess123
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07 Oct 2019, 5:18 am

My partner is anything but traditional he would be fine if I kept my family name to be honest.

I do have severe body image issues but he keeps telling me I'm pretty and he loves me I just feel horrible looking in the mirror when naked.

He decided not to take the Saudi job up he said it would require to give up too much of our freedoms and he hates hot places as well.

Part of me that is a bit childish wants to be walked down the aisle and have him lift up my veil and kiss me. He's not been nasty just aloof and he won't make love to me keeps saying he's tired or busy.

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07 Oct 2019, 5:41 am

OK. If you could have the perfect wedding, and you got to decide everything in it - would you love to marry him?

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HighLlama
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07 Oct 2019, 5:48 am

aspieprincess123 wrote:

He went all out for you, and you basically told him that your anxiety over one day trumps your love for him. Of course he is distant and angry, and not going to want sex. If you really want to marry him then you should both decide on a ceremony you want. Stand up to your parents and work together. You'll both be much happier in the long run.

aspieprincess123
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07 Oct 2019, 10:46 am

HighLlama wrote:

aspieprincess123 wrote:

I know and I'm kicking myself over this.

To be honest if I could just go to a registry office and elope and then come back married I would so that in a heartbeat.

Maybe if I just tell him what kind of wedding I want he could plan it. It's the logistics of planning that scares me as well

jimmy m
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07 Oct 2019, 11:06 am

It sounds like you would like to be married. It's just the wedding part that scares you. So be a little spontaneous and propose to him. Pick a romantic spot. Bring him flowers. What is the worst that can happen, he might reject your offer.

It's called a do-over.

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SaveFerris
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07 Oct 2019, 11:10 am

aspieprincess123 wrote:

I tried to explain that I love him but I feel that getting married would be the following.

Stressful

.

Tell me about it :roll:

My GF is desperate to get married , I can't face it and I don't know why except for anxiety. Just talking about it makes me feel weird ( I can't articulate what's going on )

Can you have internet marriages :lol:

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smudge
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07 Oct 2019, 11:32 am

jimmy m wrote:

I really do not think this is a good idea. You need to talk to him about your fears, and try to tell him how you truly feel about him, including that you want to be with him for the rest of your life.

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HighLlama
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07 Oct 2019, 3:56 pm

aspieprincess123 wrote:

HighLlama wrote:

aspieprincess123 wrote:

I really hope it works out for you. He obviously wants to make you happy--if you tell him what you want, and what you can handle, he will probably be happy with it.

BDavro
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07 Oct 2019, 4:46 pm

The loving and wanting to spend forever with that person I get.

The marriage part, and by that I mean the Wedding event itself, is just hellish and looks like the ultimate form of torture for an aspie.

As Ferris said, and extrapolated a little, can we have an online wedding?

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