The ability to prevent a meltdowns means I am not autistic?

Post Reply New Topic

Today I had a bad day.

I am a little ill - I woke up feverish and the first I ate was a throat ache pill because my throat was sore.
But I couldn't stay in bed (and I didn't want to) because I had classes I wanted to attend.

I left on time but my friend, classmate and roommate forgot her wallet so we had to return to get it. She freaked out and I had to calm her down. She loses consciousness when she gets too emotional and the last thing I wanted was skipping the classes due to her epilepsy-like attack.
When we got her wallet and I managed to calm her down another problem appeared - a road construction forced us to change the route and lose some more minutes. I knew an alternative route (I am a person that makes sure to know all routes in an area, in case something like that happens) but we were short on time and even I started to worry we might be late.

Then the classes - it was introduction day and I had to speak about myself in front of 8 other people.

The lesson itself was fine but I found out my friend is not feeling good, there was another girl with the same condition as her that wasn't feeling good either so I was really afraid I am going to see an epilepsy-like attack soon.

When the classes ended I left the building, explaining I have to hurry for my part time job (which was true - and because the classes ended 15 minutes late and feeling guilty for not being able to take care of my friend but also being afraid I might get a meltdown myself if I seen the attack or even worse - if I were to go to the hospital with her - emergency room is a major trigger for me - all the waiting, while hearing people in pain and feeling the smell of homeless/drunkyards.

On the way to work I had to escape from the smell of a homeless person anyway. He was sleeping in back seat of the bus I took. I had to travel in the crowd of other people that escaped from that seat. Fortunately it was just one stop.
Then I had to switch to a tram. But I had to wait a few minutes and there was a message about some timetable changes due to two accidents within last hour (they were resolved, but trams were going not like the schedule says).

It made me late to work.

Then right in front of my workplace I saw another car&tram accident (luckily it wasn't the tram I traveled in). I knew I am late anyway so I took a photo and put it in the internet for others to know (there are some fb pages that tell you about such situations if someone reports - I figured there is probably a bunch of people waiting for the tram so they should know their tram won't get there anytime soon and what the reason is).

Then I got to workplace 8 minutes late. It was probably OK because I am always late anyway (lol) and I did tell them I have classes right before work - but it made me stressed anyway.

And the work was overwhelming - I had to print and glue together 960 pages (40 x 24 page long notices) and the coworker wouldn't even decide on the font and then the printer was overheating because it never printed so many pages in a row. The noise and the forced breaks at random moments were really annoying.

And my friend called in the middle of it, asking if I can pick her up from school because she still doesn't feel well. I felt happy and guilty at the same time, as I told her I can't because I am working and my workplace is a half of hour away anyway. I figured someone else will help her (apparently the teacher took her home in the end - luckily she didn't collapse on the way).

On the way home I went to a clothes shop because they had a huge sale (90% off). There wasn't surprisingly a lot of people (perhaps noone knew yet) but there was another thing bugging me - I had operation on my hand last week and the bandage I have (it's covering 4 stitches) went undone and was moving everytime I touched anything, causing some pain. But I really wanted to buy something on the price. So I forced myself to endure it.

When I got home I was really hungry and my hand was quite painful so I didn't know what to do first - cook or take care of it. But I decided to see how my roommate is doing before that, because I was worried about her (I didn't even know if she got home safely yet, although I supposed she did because I was her shoes in the hall).

She was talking and talking and talking and it took me a while to explain to her I have to eat something. Then she decided to go to kitchen too. And I learned all the pots I like using are full of her food. Fortunately she agreed to share some with me so it ended well, although I felt kinda bad for using her like that, after how I ignored her.

Then she talked more and more and more and more despite seeing I am clearly falling asleep while sitting because I was so tired of the damn day (shutdown was it?). Then I said I had to go to a shop because I won't have any bread for tomorrow and she told me to wait another 30 minutes because the shop near our house is really crowded at that hour.

So I waited, while having an stomachache (I don't know if it was her food, or just eating a lot after being too hungry).

When I got to the shop I learned the crowd is still huge. And that there is no more bread. It was the end of it. I wanted to escape from the shop, or cry, or yell. But I endured that, knowing it would be pointless because it would make everyone look at me, ask me if I am OK and perhaps even having to deal with the security and it certainly wouldn't give me any bread. So I ended up looking for some food that would do for tomorrow breakfast. I changed my mind a few times and eventually I bought a bunch of random stuff (sweet pancakes, mature cheese, sour milk and potato chips... WHAT THE HELL?).

While waiting in the line (only 2 cash registers open) I felt really hot and sweaty and I was about to meltdown again and considered leaving the groceries on floor and escaping the shop, especially seeing the long line before me. But I figured it won't only leave me with nothing for breakfast but also make the refrigatable food spoiled and create some waste for the shop. So I endured.

I snapped when the cashier told me "Good evening". It was more than I could endure for some reason (although it was a normal thing for her to say to a customer). I told her "It's not good at all, it's terrible!" and told her about the lack of bread, the long waiting line and asked her what I was supposed to do to get priority in the line. She pointed at the priority lane and I laughed at her, saying the cash register was closed when I was waiting and only opened 2 customers ago (it was true, third cash register - the priority one - just opened, after I waited for 10 minutes). Then she said in that case I should take my groveries, push my way through the customers to a nearest cash register and tell them I am not feeling well. I wonder if she even knew what she was suggesting. Me, taking the groceries to my poor bandaged hand (the cart wouldn't get through the crowd) while on sensory and emotional overload and pushing my way through 15 people. Really?


That's it.

It makes me wonder - could I be "not autistic enough". I was able to endure all that and get through my day somehow? Am I actually quite strong to survive that kind of life? I have disability level 2 but I have trouble asking for help and I put others first so I seem better than I feel and no one knows what is actually happening. It makes me wonder - maybe that kind of thing is normal and everyone is that stressed/overwhelmed and just endue it all the time? Maybe I am not disabled after all? Maybe I am just imagining things? What if everyone is in that kind of pain all the time and they just don't show it because they know it would be "pointless"?

It's normal for small kids to "meltdown" when they are uncomfortable, right? But they grow up of it eventually. What if the discomfort level stays just the same and growing up means you control the reaction better? What if all adults just endure it? Wouldn't it make me just an adult that simply pays too much attention to the discomfort every human being experiences but learns to endure as they grow up. I am a strong willed autist or a weak willed, immature NT? Before getting an Asperger diagnosis I was actually diagnosed with something called "immature personality". Maybe that's that, actually?

No, not at all. It means that you are gaining emotional maturity.

I think it is quite possible to learn how to cope better, so stressors like that don't result in a meltdown...just more difficult with autism.

It's possible of course, but I think it's more like you're just getting better at coping with things. Having no trouble in daily situations and having learnt to deal with the trouble are two different things.

The 'severity' of 'symptoms' can change according to one's maturity and capability, but not autism itself.

The answer is 'no', you're still have an autistic brain and you're still 'yourself'.


Autism isn't a fixed condition, it's more flexible than most people think.
And it is, after all, a developmental condition -- not an outright stagnancy nor some stopper like most types of disabilities do.


You can have the most reliable and even skillsets and profiles, most adaptable mindsets and the most stable personality, yet it doesn't make one less autistic.

It only makes one presently less relatable towards most autistics, or the idea of what makes one autistic...
Been there, done that.


I've been in several realizations and changes already -- many of which can make question their identity as an autistic, all because of their own idea of autism.
I've reached to a point that I questioned my identity as a human being, along with everything that is attached to it.
And there will be more of it in the future.

Just savor the moment of progress.
And keep breaking needless cycles as you figure yourself out.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.